Tis the season::

Tis the season!!  Boy I don't know what is wrong with me, I've been a bitch of bitches. I've been so depressed and don't know why. Maybe it's this time of year, my ex-husband and youngest son haunt my dreams it is crazy. I would have been married going on 20 years but we broke up due to my walking out and drinking at the time.We haven't been together in 4 years but it still feels like I morn him and my past marriage. He is re-married but i don't believe he is happy he did it on the rebound. now I'm planning on getting married and I'm scared to death thinking what if ? Is this the right thing to do or the right time? I'm full of fear which in turn makes me unbearable. I'm trying to snap out of it but my fairy tale wedding is turning into a stormy day already. I'm just stuck. I've been shopping my blues away NOT GOOD I'll need another 12 step program soon lol.Well it feels good just to get this out I just have to snap out of it. Happy Holidays to everyone and KEEP IN GOOD HEALTH.. lOVE YOU ALL GAIL the jersey shore girl... thats another thing the beach is freezing 

sleep or no sleep

Well it is another night and no sleep. I haven't slept at night in so long I forget what it was like. I have this sleep problem and I've tried everything but I just can't sleep. Ever sense I've gotten sober I have been up every other hour and now I just don't sleep.  My doctor has tried everything in the past and nothing works and I've tried everything over the counter and nothing works I get so crazy even my ferrets and cat are sleeping (not me) well I'm going to try to read a little and see what happens.. Till later Gail

memory lane

Well lately like always it is hard to sleep, I've tried everything, everything but a 4th step.. I've tried in the pass months to sit and write but my life seems to jump from one life to another. So many things I forget and then I have stupid dreams and it all comes to me that part of my life. My life seems like a jig saw puzzle sometimes and some of the pieces just don't fit. I decided to just write a personal book of my life and share it with my sponsor someday if I ever get it all together. I see other people that say a 4th step cleared there passageway and they could think more clearer. I still resent the fact that my ex-husband and I can't be friends he just won't talk to me. All those years to be with someone even thou he remarried I just don't seem to understand that he now has another person controlling him. He settled down with what he let go. He married a women with three kids and dominate I had two kids and dominate and both us women drank I don't anymore but they do. It just puzzles me. The closer I get to getting married the more these feelings come up and it is so unfair to Rob he has been great . I've been a bitch and I don't mean too that is just not me.  I go hot and cold I think I'm afraid of marriage the thought of failing just old haunts.  I have to get it together and people outside the program just don't understand, I don't want kids at my wedding and my family is upset over that but this place is just not the place for kids and there is only 50 people max.. limit,  Then I have heard from some that why do it again you already had your wedding days, its not like your having kids or anything, and then i also heard that being married on the beach doesn't even count because it's not in a church.. It is all so frustrating.  I have to write about this  stuff to get it out and hopefully  God will send me a answer.  If not a answer on how to handle this a answer on letting go resentments. Well until next time I will keep moving ahead One Day At A Time... Love the jersey shore girl. Gail

Season changes so do I.

Well it's getting to be that time of year. IT IS COLD burrrrrrrrrr....  We in Nj get teased one day it is 70 and tonite it is 20.*  It is my slow time of the year now and year round work that I have keeps me going until April,,, this time of year i get depressed but then I sit back and think how lucky I am today. I have to remember to be graitful for everything I have and do. My daughter is so into the wedding plans it is funny, she has me booked up with every vender down to the hour this coming tuesday. She is a trip. I love her. Robs kids are happy too and all working on saving money for there trip from fla. to come to the wedding in april. Wehave a confirmed date. April 15 th (tax day hahaa) at 430 pm on the beach at the cape may point Iam just taking it day to day because I can get myself crazy in a min... if I look to far ahead. I'm trying not to worry about money so much that is what I do best in the winter but it just gets me crazy. I'm trying to just remember that God will take care of us and lead us to where we are to be. I do get stressed I even thought of going back to work at the hospital but with all the crap that goes on I don't know I miss the patiences and working with the sick but I don't miss all the upper manger crap. Well I guess the best thing to do right now is just be gratiful that I have choices today and I'm sober and can act on them.. Well God Bless until next time KEEP WARM  Love Gail ( jersey shore girl/

winter is coming

Some preview of future plans....

Well today my daughter and I went to cape may point to see about the wedding plans. Nick & Rob where into it too. We went and looked at the reception place ( Union Hall) built in 1914 it is unbelievable. Well we all agreeded on the reception April 16th (sunday) 2007. The plans so far are Susan my maid of honor and I will be picked up at the homestead and take a horse and carriage about 3/4 a mile down beach blv.. to sunset beach it is a location that is three sided by ocean with the capemay lighthouse in the distance , and when we arrive she will walk me up on the beach to Rob ( a friend of ours is going to play the violin during the beach walk and then she will hand me off to Rob ) white chairs lined on the beach beach sand runner to the rocks that are surround by ocean. After the cermony Rob & I will take the horse and carriage back to the historic resort and have the reception we are holding ten rooms and one bridal suite that is located on the three story over looking the ocean the next morning we are having a wedding breakfast and a Beach meeting have to included soberity wouldn't have been able to plan all this without it. Then Rob & I hopefully are going away for four days or so.. I pray everything goes right Gods will. what a fairy tale but reality...  These pictures where taken today before we over loaded on Food and passed out back at our house...  What a dream the only difference is it is coming true...   Love you all God Bless Gail jersey shore girl..

jugements

Judgement that is something I use to do when I drank. Sitting there and judging people because or there control on drinking or juding them by the way they dressed or acted I always thought they where better then me, but I would never say that OUT LOUD. I see it now in different ways people judging people.Like I said in my passed entry the people that I thought would be happy for me now moving on with my life sober and working on life problems One day at a time and making it thur the hurt and pain of soberity, and not only mine but Robs he has 10 years coming up I had to remember he is sick too and our relationship took work. My family and people on the outside seen the hurt and pain at times and just like the people we hurt when we where drinking they don't forget, but one thing they don't keep into play is that I HAVR A PROGRAM todayand I'm going thur my ups and downs sober. I never was married, engaged, had kids, did I ever do sober now I'm moving on with my life and it is about time reguardless of what other people think. I'm going to be married sober and we are too old for kids so we can jump right into the fun and no pressures of bearing children we already did that. I'm entering a union sober it is different then any other time. I've been married before and failed with my drunkness but God had other plans for my future that was out of my control thanks be to him. So I just have to keep in mind not everyone will be happy for us but my live is going to go on. With AA-God and working together and with others we will be a unstoppable couple and we know how to work out the corks now it took time but then time does stand for THIS I MUST EARN...   Looks like I'll have a small attendence at our wedding but the people that are suppost to be there WILL With love and prayers Gail the jersey shore girl....

what a beautiful day.

Rob & I

Nice picture my daughters wine bottle is in the way... hahah

reactions

Boy you really find out who your friends are when you have surprising news. I had some good friends that had tears of happiness for Rob & I and then there where friends that where just down right ignorent, I was told along time ago that not all people like to see people make it. That some people get jealous or just want to cause a whirl wind when people make it thur hard times and come out on top. Rob & I worked hard on this relationship and neither one of us gave up and came thur it boy there are people out there that are just not happy for anyone because they just don't see the whole picture. I know that God works in both our lives and he wouldn't steer us wrong or make it EASY to pick the right road it took time and work. TIME= This I Must Earn..... and we earned it.It's funny how the true colors of people come out and what is even more funny is that I just pray for them today instead of cursing them. That God that old Gail is dead but can come back at anytime with a drink or no program. Boy meets Girl in AA Girl meets boy what a nice meeting place you could even remember eachothers name and what you did. hahaha....   The values I have for my own self has changed I have limits today and dreams and when they said Live is beyond my wildess dreams I thought they where all on something and in time I would find out what it was . But all it was, was good people, a program of recovery, and a faith to jump into the void and have trust in God today...   The gifts are priceless and so are the people.. (most of them) we are all still human so you still have one in every crowd but few and far between.. Till next time Love yeahs Gail Jersey Shore Girl

Sunsets are forever

This Sunset is a painted picture from God... Rob and I (my other half) love to go and watch the sunsets thats one thing we try to make time for, And the sunsets really came to play in this week. We went to dinner with my daughter and my wonderful future son on law Nick on Sunday night it was great. We went to a tribute dinner show for Frank Siniatra the guy we really good. In the middle of the show the singer stopped and said we have a special guest here tonite and then it all started Rob requested a song for me to be sung and when the song was over Rob stood up and said : Gail you know all those Sunsets we love would you do me the honor to spend the rest of those sunsets together with me?: Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and God WHAT A RING I was shocked.
Even thou I've been married before I have need had ANYONE propose to me before it was so funny I was in shock and my daughter sat there crying saying yes. hahahahaa... It was wonderful just another great gift of soberity. Rob and I have made it thou the Good the Bad The ugly and the evil so there isn't much more, but we stayed together and worked it out pain is the touch tone to growth well we grew strong together, I know there are people out there that aren't going to be happy with this all the negitivty but for once I have control of my life and i'm SOBER and a child of God The rewards are just amazing thats something I thought I would never say. We are shooting for a FEB or April 2007 small wedding and to our amazment the first place that was just striking happens to be acho..... free BYOB only wine and beer is wished but no one drinks that I know of so no bar fee..  I'm happy  well more will be realed as time goes on this ring is soooooo beautiful now I know where all the money went and it is time to save now,,,  Rob did a great job and I'm so proud of him no one has ever done this like this for me...   God Bless you all Gail Jersey Shore Girl

After all, the only time that we truly have is the time we find in the present moment. The NOW is the only place that life really takes place!

A god giving day.

Times of quiet doesn't happen that much where I sit down and enjoy them. but today I am!! I had a rough weekend, I was on antidepressives for 12 years and I finally went to the herb & vitimin store and replaced my perscription with a healthier verision. This is only what I did for ME only not recommended. I stopped taking the Zololf the doctor was giving me she kept uping it and I felt worse and worse, DEPRESSED ...  Well let me tell you my experience I went thur a 4 day withdraw of feeling sick mentally and physically and now finally I'm feeling so much better.  I kinda leaped out into the void which can be dangerous but I've been on these kinds of medicines for 12 years and drank with them and took them when I got sober now I have to find out for me what I'm really about so far not bad just for the first 4-5 days. This is not recommended This is something I did ......    Alot of people need medicine and if I swing back the other way in time I will consider going back on it but I feel better everyday so far.. One Day At A time. I just got so tired of the doctors having a pill for everything, I just can't do that today.... I drank to bring me up or down, to sleep or function now I have to reley on God and the program and MYSELF for once..   Till later Happy to be alive today,,, God bless you and yours.. Love gail the jersey shore girl/

dream

Well it is Full Moon and I started a new herbal aproach to health care and PMS what a combo. hahaha. Thank God I'm sober. My body and mind seems to be changing again growing pains at 44 lol. The dreams of the past haven't haunted me in awhile but they are back. dreams of the kids Ex-husband and his new wife and the hopeless feeling. Thank God when I wake up it is a dream and I just tell myself that. This time of year with the weather change and cold beaches it is so seasonal depressive. I have been really struggling with seperation aniexty trying to stick to the tough love problem with my son anthony IT IS HARD.. Thank God for sponsors, what a rare breed they can be. Mine is great. God did put the right one in my path. Well Right now I'm powerless over the changes that are happening to me. More shall be revealed. Love you all till next time Jersey shore (cold) girl . Gail God Bless..

Three Years & going

Well three years and going. I started to write in this journal yesterday but I just had to come back to it. Friday night I spoke and boy everytime I speak its like a newer fuller life verion is said. My day started out get and then I came home ate some strawberry pancakes and turned into a mistery bitch just quiet and isolated ( my mood just switched) I reminded myself to be grateful. I just don't like attention on me I like to give attention not receive it alot but people where just being caring. Every year feels different almost like a death to me the pain just gets easier. My daughter had her engagement party the other day and with the mix of people there I really didn't know how everything was going to work out but it all went fine. I'm so happy for her and Nick is a great guy. My ex-husband and his new wife didn't show up and Jennifer was very upset that the man that raised her didn't come "he was sick at the last min..." But I reasured her that the people that where suppost to be there was. She was hurt and it just brought back some memories of how sick I was and how it made  everyone around me sick he is really sick (emotionally) a new wife can't even take care of that. He got what he left but with alot more money. Sometimes it still hurts but I have a great person in my life too now and we go thur the ups and downs together and we both work hard, I just have to remember he has a program too he is 10 years sober and still a sick pup at time hahahaa... but it all works. Its just strange how the roller coaster affect goes up & down every anniversy is so different The first one I loved all the attention the second one was 1/2 1/2 and this year I was proud but it is just a way of life for me and I find more pleasure putiing attention on someone that reminds me of what I felt like and the thing I went thur.. Theres this women she has 4 months sober she is a doll and I love to here her talk I relate so much to her and what she is going thur, she is the special one ( she just has that light about her) I'm very proud of her.. (maryann)..  I'm grateful today for being alive and to see my children grow my middle son anthony is on my tough love program and you know it is easier this time I guess its just like drinking I have had enough bull shit . He is on his own somewhere, He told me two months ago I was going to be a grandmother I had mixed emotions but excited to and at my daughter partyhe told me no more grandmom they aborted the baby and he was so against that but I had to just say a prayer and let it go, years back I still would have been drunk over that so I see progress not perfection here. haha... Well until later I love you all & your in my prayers.. Love Gail Jersey shore girl

today is three years wow....

My Daughter and Future Son & Law Great couple...

These two are a match from heaven

My youngest son::::  I love him

Busy Thoughts

Boy it is funny how things just get into your head and play on. I tried to go to sleep last night and all the thoughts of the past husband kids etc.. came into my head. I noticed when I'm coming up on a anniveresy I always think deep for some reason. I couldn't sleep after hearing so long all the bad I did when I was drunk it is really hard to remember all the good.I never missed a softball game I always had dinner on the table I had a beautiful house that was always clean to the shine but all i can remember is the bad. I've been stressing lately about finding a house and getting very discouraged everything here is 300-400-500 thousand dollars for a home. NJ is very exspensive and then I start that thinking of what I use to have and sometimes I'm really tired of hearing that all that went away because I drank in my mind at times I just Failed as a wife and everything else. My mom reminded me of all the school trips I went on with all three kids and the outstanding birthday parties and the large family dinners I use to have boy have times changed now all my kids are grown and shuffleing along with there life struggles, and my youngest son and ex-husband are living in the lap of luxery with his new rich wife.. I guess that where jealous, envey,pride,ego come in I have to let it go but sometimes the thought of all this is just overcoming. My youngest son is going to be 18 this is his Sr. year in high school and I feel like all I was good for was just to give birth. He doesn't have time for my simple life and he is just loving the luxery of his living. I call send cards and letters e-mail and he is always to busy. I was so excited yesterday when I saw on my cell phone message from karl jr. here it was a message of expiration, The message I sent him a month ago he never opened and it is not just torward me his sister and brother he doesn't even call. My ex- husband has turned into someone I don't even know ( better then everyone ) he was never like that and now my son is just like him. My son told me three years ago Mom don't fight over me let me stay with Dad because he needs me and your the stronger one. lol if he only know. strong yes but I do have feeling more today then I ever did. This is why I like to journal I can get all this stuff out....  Well until later Love and Blessings to all Love Gail the jersey shore girl.

By the grace of God

Well today is a sunny day looks like a nice one, I feel pretty good I was re-baptist on Wed it was great we went down to the ocean and did the whole body dunking what a feeling. My pastor and friends at church where there.
Some people don't understand why I did that but all I have to say is I'm now old enough to make my own choices at 6 weeks old I wasn't. I'm coming up on three years soberity on the 1st. of Oct...  I have a whole new like so why not start everything off new.  Right now I'm just taking it day to day that took me some time to do that. I still have to schedule my business cleaning appointments which puts me a week or so ahead but I write it down and worry about it when it comes, I just Let go and Let God do the work now I'm too tired what a relief to know I can do that.. Well until later Bless all of you and have a great day.. Love Gail the jersey shore girl..

In Gods Eyes We Are Seen..

Today's thought is:

Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.
--Pearl S. Buck
We make mistakes because we are human, we are imperfect, we are frequently out of touch with the rhythms of the moment. When our minds are one place, either still trapped by the past or in limbo due to fear of the future, we fail to revere the experience of the present. And only when we salute completely the moment do we respond accurately to its meaning.
Seldom is a mistake as important as we allow it to be. Always we can rechart our steps; never is a task completed without some modifications along the way. Perhaps we'd do well to consider all mistakes as simply modifications in the original plans. Corrections triggered by mistakes may well be responsible for better outcomes. In fact, mistakes may be part of the process necessary to keep our spiritual program focused. Their role in our lives may be of greater significance than we'd ever imagined. However, we shouldn't dwell on the mistake but, rather, on the remedy.

Today I'll have to modify my steps, probably a few times. And that's to be expected.

This is my son Anthony

I pray for him he has come along way... I'm so proud...

Circles of life CAN be broken...

    Well everything is going pretty good, I resigned from the hospital and went full time with my own business I now have a semi normal life it's hard when your day starts on a monday ends on a monday and you wake up it is still monday...   That is what night shift and doing my own business did for me, I let my meeting go and people well now I'm back at the meetings even started a new step meeting and i go to bed at a normal hour and wake up before everyone and have this peace of coffee my cat my ferrets and me QUIET... what a way to start off the day. I was thinking and talking to my son lately he is coming up on 6 months clean thanks to the grace of God all the tickets and fines and past has caught up with him and it is overwheming, I keep telling him WISH doesn't belong in any vocabulary. I see the circle of life that has formed starting as far back as my moms side of the family with her and my fathers side that was quietly disfunctional, The family circle has been abuse, sex, drugs, additions, anger, rage,abandonment I was telling my son that having a addition and knowing about it and being in recovery is something to be proud of because he can break the circle of family life between My son and I was have broken the circle I did with my kids and he is learning now the hard way and hopefully will share it with his family someday. He is so overwhemed I tried to tell him that trust has to be earned and he just doesn't understand but then I didn't either. It is hard to stay out of my sons program he calls for advice and I tell him the best I can from experence and tell him to call his sponsor...  I pray & pray....   I'm getting RE baptised in two weeks now being a adult I took the choice on my own I didn't have a choice when I was 8-weeks old,,, I totally believe in a higher power because I wouldn't be here if there was nothing, God spared my life for a purpose my general purpose will be revealed to me in his time.. But everyday is a purpose now...   Well God Bless all and please keep my son Anthony B in your prayers Thank you ,,,  Till Later Love Gail the jersey shore area.....http://gailwindsnj1@verizon.net

changing tides

Times are forever changing, or should I say growing. I have made a giant leap into gods well and leave the faith to me and the will to him lately. I'm venchering out on my own with my business, It took along time to work for the great repution that I have on the Cleaning Front, and today people trust in me and believe my honesty. What a switch. I'm at a point in my life where I have to take some chances if not they are going to just slip by again again I don't want to lose no more I want to go one foot forward it has only taken me three years to come up with this decision hahaha...  I was tormenting myself with the fact be my own boss or work for someone... It was driving me crazy so now I'm going to be my own boss with my work and just go with thy will not mine. I have been feeling really good lately, the skies at night and day are unbelieveable and god sent. I like the normal in my life today bedtime, wake up early, remembering what I did yesterday. (haha) even in soberity I was slipping back in the stress and not even remembering what I did yesterday. I have emptied my plate alittle. It is almost like jumping into the void head first knowing God is there and will not let me fall if I do the right and honest things I have to do. My crazy son is still clean and sober going on 5 months now what a mircle. Thank God.. That is a gift beyound my wildest dreams come true and that wouldn't be so if I did change myself. Being sober today just feels normal and the adnormal looks adnormal today. I'm graftiful for today but just for today one day at a time I don't project anything ( that can be my biggest let down ) so for today I thanked god this morning and will all day and that will also be the last words i say tonite god willing. To all Have a great day and hang in there, it is a roller coaster ride indeed...   Love yeahs: Gail from the jersey shore area.

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Sunset at Sea Isle City  NJ   Jersey Shore

changes in the wind

Well changes are in motion. I'm removing stress or trying to find the core of it.
i took a leave from working at the hospital and just do cleaning now ( I have my own business ). Alot of stress has been removed but now moving to the home sector? I was thinking all day yesterday when I would have those many days when my first words where " I'm so sorry I will never do that again I was wrong" I said that all the time when I was drinking people where tired of hearing it. Well now I'm tried of hearing it, I live with a person that is Bi-Polar and in deniel it can be hard with the manic flare up otherwise hes a great guy. I need to seperate myself from this. I need peace I have be mentally harassed for the last time. I now know how others felt when I always said I was sorry. It is tiring. I just ask for prayers to give me the streghth and courage that I will need to maintain my ground. I didn't get sober for this I want more in my life..... Peace Happiness & Love for ALL....   Well until later Love Gail Jersey Girl....

Children operate from a place grownups wish to come back to, but have lost in the daily grind of life.

Well I haven't written in a while. I have been in the state of confusion with work and life itself. I took a leave at my hospital job about two weeks ago a job that I like but just got burnt out with all the administive bull shit thats goes on everyday. I also have a cleaning busy and when I clean the weight of the world is off my shoulders... I work HARD but I find graditude in it & I'am my own boss...  I started this week to go to a meeting a day, I wasn't going because I was working or too tired, now there is no excuse. Decisions i'm torn . I have been struggling with the decision wheather to say out of work for awhile and collect what I payed in and do my cleaning, or just suck it up and jump in and do all again. Everytime I think about it anenxiety just takes over. I'm coming up on three years sober and decisions like this is still mind twisting. I work with cridally sick people and I love that part of the job helping others but all the upper management bullshit takes the cake. I see nurses smart long term nurses that will sit in there car and cry before work because they just had enough but they keep working it. I don't want to get to that point. God has something out there for me I just am at a cross road now and down know what way to turn and it is frustrating. My emotions have been sad, loney, frustrated, depressed, and fun at times. reflecting on what and where I was this time in my relationship with my other half sometimes doesn't help we realy had a rocky road,,  but I stayed as supportive as i could and stayed sober though it. any suggestions please comment:::   thank you Gail Jersey shoure girl..

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light at the end of the tunnel

Is there light at the end of this tunnel. This is the time of the year that I'm overwhemed at times with business and my regular work I just don't know what end is up. With spring upon us there is new hope and goals but this is also the time of the year I reflect on the passed. I really wish that part of me would go away. I think about the kids and my x-husband and stuff alot. Sometimes I'm so busy I  don't know what day it is they just run together. I think what I'm going to do is take a week off for my business before the heavy stuff starts for the summer and just do my three nights 12 hour shifts at the hospital and have the days to relax. I have been a ball of energy lately and then I crash for 24 hours. Need to reflect and find my light again. Well its another day and have to catch up will write more later....   Jersey shore girl .Gail

another day thank god

Thank you for the great responds I have recieved, what a encouragment. It is another day and I had a long good sleep that I need seeing the master lies face to face with my sons addiction is like fighting demons, but I will not let them in I have a God that is stronger then that and people in my life that will help. I'm grateful today and still taking it slow. I have to make more time for meetings because I feel the loss when I don't attend them like I use to. I always had work as a outlet for my pain and confusion but this time that didn't even work I had to take a couple of days and regroup thank god I did Thank you for all your support that I recieve on-line it really does help and your all in my prayers.. Till later Love Gail

Happiness is reflective like the light of heaven!!

I had a really bad day yesterday. I made phone calls and talked to people. I knew that is what I had to do to keep some sanity. I was always told if you don't know what to do just do nothing, talk about it and share with people that you feel can help you in that certain sitution. I know me I would have flew off the handle and lost control of the last bit of sense I had and I would have made matters worse instead of better. I really need peace and serenity in my life today and I know that feeling second best to others is just a sick way of thinking. It took me along time to make friends with other women ( I don't really trust them ) they seem to always want what you have until something else catches there eyes. I still have that non-trust and that is something I'm working on. I was brought up really not to trust that was the road that I took my life and it was a loney one to take . going thur this stuff with my son now makes me see how the disease of addiction is such a liar and how we all covered it up so well. ( I knew that he partied at times but nothing like this) he is now in a mental hospital to hopefully be released into a rehab next week or so. I know he is in the right place but I have to stop beating myself up ( How did I not know) ..   I thank God for his intervention and so many people out there are praying and it is working, Prayer does work in it own time. I know God has a plan for me and this is just many of more tests to come my way. Some I will pass and some I will Fail I have to learn to accept that. Failure is not a good suit for me, I'm a perfectionist and it is a real down fall ( at times ) some times it is good and works good when I go to work or help others because I give it my all. Life on Lives term not easy at all sometimes I have to stay in the day and take time as it comes a second at a time. Till later Love yeah all Gail ( jersey shore area )

The sea saw affect

The sea saw affect :

The sea saw affect

Well has been awhile sense I wrote. The chages in life are sometimes so quick that it takes time to catch up with the mental process of things. Alot has happened in the past months. I'm dealing with a major problem of bi-polar with someone that doesn't believe he even has a problem and the mental part of it has been put all back on me. I have to remember that I'm responsible for my feelings but the mind tends to work on you after awhile. I have great people in my life today and most of them if they only knew what I deal with from day to day. I feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel sometimes but I know I've been up against the wall before and it does pass. Thank God that I'm sober still today only with Gods help did I stay that way. I have the world on my shoulders and with little relief at times. I work very hard everyday to be the best person I can be, some don't see it that way. People used to tell me time is the touch tone of relief but as time goes on it just becomes faster and faster , I find myself going totally insane at times. Writing is good for me it does help and also to let other people know that there are not alone. Life on Lifes terms aren't easy at times sometimes never for awhile. My son is in a rab... now and it is really hard to see the pain and to know how it feels such a part of me hurts so bad, but again thank God that I'm sober or I wouldn't be able to do the things for him today as I'm doing. God sends people in my life I'm blessed like that, ( I call them my angels) I'm never alone and I have to remind myself of that because it is easy to feel all alone at tomes when the shit hits the fan. I just want a peaceful life I find the caretaking and mental confusion is my down fall it is so easy to fall into someone elses sickness and to let go of people or person you care about, it really tugs at your heart and that is a emotion that I feel today. Love and Caring for others and just not myself. Before I didn't care much about anything and I find today that some people the more you care the more off the wall they get... Well keep the prayers out there for my son his name is Anthony and for myself I really feel sometimes when is life going to become a smooth road instead of a project that you fix and tear down and fix again, repeated mental stuff can make you a sick person even without a drink or drug,  Fear and pain is the touch stone to relief its just getting thou that valley of the shadow. God bless till next time Gail