What is a Alcoholic Mother

What is a Alcoholic Mother? I found myself looking at the title of this journal and it never stuck me. Alcoholic? That is something that I never expected , I didn't just wake up one day and say well I think I'll be a Alcoholic for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I sit back and say to myself boy the love I had for my children, Husband, Family, etc.. didn't even come into play when it came to the force of drinking my problemed life away. ( and just making the problems bigger and more excussable in my own head) until the day came when I didn't know thr lie from the truth or vise versa. Being in my body and head, I have to learn how to deal with great guilt, loss, shame.  These things have a physical pain attached to them that I feel in my stomach and heart daily. I pray for the obsession I have over the loss and guilt to be lifted just like it was with the drink. But for some reason it is taking it's time. I know that God has a reason for all this pain and shame fear and wary life but I just can't figure it out. I'v been told that more will be reveiled in Gods time. But when is that? I have to learn to not let my will take over and try to lead the way or change things because Everything happens for a reason. I still feel like gods timing is off sometimes to get diviorce papers for my birthday, but then that just showed me that 6,5,4, months ago I would have blown my brains out and other people with me. But I handled it. Yes I got upset, but handled it. I still feel like I don't deserve to lose all that I did lose. My family, husband, house, love,etc. it's a hard egg to peel. The last thing that ever came to mind was a drink, I never thought of it at all that was shocking.so something is getting better. Then I sat back and looked where I was 9 months ago then I realized alot has changed, I have changed. Honesty is natural now, compassion for others comes so easy, feelings I never thought before I had I have now. ( just no other half to share them with. lol ) The Family afterwares I'am all that and more, to reckage is like the storm from hell and i'am going to need a big shovel and lots of helpers to help me clean it up. I have to make God the boss for now. I have to remind myself everyday because lately I do slip into that funk at least once a day, and I really want to get back into having some kind of peace in my life. Well thank God for another day sober one more safe person on the streets tonight without ME driving drunk.

Till Later Gail

Doing what I don't want to do.

Well I did have a tough weekend with all the people here at the shore on vacation. I found myself feeling closed in, unable to breath. I didn't want to go out or to meeting etc. But I decided to face my fears and do it anyway. I went out to meeting for the last two nights and they really helped me. I drove along the coast and took time to see what I take for granted everyday, the sea, waves, boats, sky etc. it was great. I have to remind myself that I'am doing soooooooo  much better then I was 9 months ago.  I never want to go back to that life. It is loney sometimes more then others but in Gods time I will not be alone. I started writting because I haven't in so long and didn't want to so I went and did it and now I feel better. I have to push myself sometimes I get stuck in the funk of things. I found myself just looking at all the happy people and fun and forgot to look at the people that have it much worst then me. I have it pretty good for someone that has lost everything. I found myself not being able to pray so I asked God to help me pray and it is helping.   I just have to remember where I am and what time it is. I am Here, and the time is now. And the meaning of time to me is ( This I Must Earn ). Thank god I have some special people that help me so much and they don't even realize it.God has blessed me in many ways and that I have to keep in mind. Well until tomarro, Sunny 85 clear skys and beaches, it doesn't get better then this. ( for now ) .  Gail

Thank you Angel, for your e-mails. I almost forgot.

Changes like the wind.

Well, it's has been awhile i THOUGHT i WAS GOING TO COME BACK AND WRITE BUT THE UP AND DOWNS REALLY GOT TO ME. i CAN GIVE GREAT ADVICE BUT NEVER CAN i USE MY OWN. On July 1st. I celebrated 9 Months sober. Boy what a trip it has been putting the drink down was the easy part. Living life on lifes terms thats the hard part. I feel like I have been in a coma for 3 years only 9 months of that sober and finally woke up to everybody and everything gone. My husband went with someone else, the kids are living there own lives and now I have to live mine. It's almost like I have to learn it all over again, but then I guess I do. I don't miss the people that I used to hang with or the places I went but it does get loney. 4th of July was a hard weekend for me. I live in a resort area by the shore and all the happy families and children really got me depressed. I was happy for the people having fun but felt so alone with myself, I just wanted to be happy and loved and have someone call me honey or dear. Kiss or Hugg would have even been good. Everyone tells me how good of a person I am, and God will put someone special in my life in his time. I have to go with that I guess for now. I'am really glad I'am able to write again I wasn't able to for a while. I just didn;t know what to write, I couldn't even write my thoughts because they where so screwed up. Hope everyone is doing great. be back soon, Gail