Boy it is funny how things just get into your head and play on. I tried to go to sleep last night and all the thoughts of the past husband kids etc.. came into my head. I noticed when I'm coming up on a anniveresy I always think deep for some reason. I couldn't sleep after hearing so long all the bad I did when I was drunk it is really hard to remember all the good.I never missed a softball game I always had dinner on the table I had a beautiful house that was always clean to the shine but all i can remember is the bad. I've been stressing lately about finding a house and getting very discouraged everything here is 300-400-500 thousand dollars for a home. NJ is very exspensive and then I start that thinking of what I use to have and sometimes I'm really tired of hearing that all that went away because I drank in my mind at times I just Failed as a wife and everything else. My mom reminded me of all the school trips I went on with all three kids and the outstanding birthday parties and the large family dinners I use to have boy have times changed now all my kids are grown and shuffleing along with there life struggles, and my youngest son and ex-husband are living in the lap of luxery with his new rich wife.. I guess that where jealous, envey,pride,ego come in I have to let it go but sometimes the thought of all this is just overcoming. My youngest son is going to be 18 this is his Sr. year in high school and I feel like all I was good for was just to give birth. He doesn't have time for my simple life and he is just loving the luxery of his living. I call send cards and letters e-mail and he is always to busy. I was so excited yesterday when I saw on my cell phone message from karl jr. here it was a message of expiration, The message I sent him a month ago he never opened and it is not just torward me his sister and brother he doesn't even call. My ex- husband has turned into someone I don't even know ( better then everyone ) he was never like that and now my son is just like him. My son told me three years ago Mom don't fight over me let me stay with Dad because he needs me and your the stronger one. lol if he only know. strong yes but I do have feeling more today then I ever did. This is why I like to journal I can get all this stuff out.... Well until later Love and Blessings to all Love Gail the jersey shore girl.
1 comment:
You know it's when you start to live in the past that the trouble begins. All the drunken things you did comes back to haunt you. I couldn't begin to tell you all the christmas's I almost ruined because of the bottle. You have to let those things live in the past. Today is a new beginning a new start and so far you've been doing so good. I know it's easy to say......don't think about the past.....but saying and doing are whats hard.
Just concentrate on your good side the things your mom reminded you of. Don't let the past tear you down again. With all your x husbands riches you still have one thing he'll never have. The experience and feeling of being sober and living your life as a sober human being. Money can't buy that inner feeling of pride......YOU DID IT.....
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