I'm not a winter person this time of year I would work, and do all activities inside. I would drink, cook, entertain etc.. The drink was always there, it made me believe that I could do everything I do BETTER. But in truth it just slowed things to a drunken halt. I always started out with good intentions but i would then start running to the store for more alcohol and then make up stories to run to the bar the store the bar the store and then just the bar. The insane behavior that went on the life style of a bar with the people, pool tables, music attention that all seemed so right for me that was my life my best friends. I have to admit that sometimes I feel lonely without all the craziness that went on because the adnormal had become so normal for me. I have to sit back at those times now and think what is going on in my life that makes thats craziness look so appealing. Then I have to REMEMBER where that craziness lead me. I have allot of things in my life that takes up space in my head. My other half, My son, Money, stability, The promises of the program are true but sometimes the fears of insecurity still take up allot of my emotional soberity. I have to remember I don't have it as bad as some but I do have it different then the past. I have to remember that I will have a house of my own again someday as long as I believe in myself and trust God will do for me what I need. This time of year is always hard for me. Even thou I have 5 years plus in the program I'm still a human being with a past and issues, They don't go away over night. Hopefully my son is going into a rehab... Monday or Tuesday I really need to break from that worry. All the things in my head worry, resentments,hurt and fears are going to bring me down but I see them and work on them. They say To face fear you have to walk thur it and always remember I'm one drink away from being that person I was Five years ago. Fear for me stops my growth and I always need to maintain healthy growth, to learn. I need to learn how to understand life on a daily basic and remember I'm here as a tool to help whom ever wants it.
Well till next time.. The south jersey shore girl..... gail
