Second Set Of Holiday's

Well last year it was a year that was very depressing because all I wanted was to be home with my Husband and Kids for the Christmas Holidays, but this year it's alittle different. Even though I have almost 15 months sober my head still gets All Jammed up at times. I though I was going crazy last week but they say this is all normal. It is really hard to keep in the day sometimes. There are days that I just want to get in my car and run, the easy way out.  The marriage didn't pan out but God did put a wonderful person in my life and he is so at peace with himself that I just look at him and say is he real. This has been a hell of a year, progress is slow and patiences is not my thing but I'm learning. I have alot to be gratiful for, and one is that I do have a second set of holidays, there are many that don't. I have to start writting again or the demons in my head are going to take the best of me. For me to journal is a way to release all that postive and negitive energy out. I did manage to complete my Reiki 1 class and to practice that does help. So until I have something else to write " I'll be back"

PS- A wet bird never flies at night.  (why)

Love yeah all, Gail

Memories The Tools Of Joy.

I had a very busy day today, I was a guest speaker at a Rehab in Woodstown NJ. and then had to get back in Ocean City NJ to open up a meeting I must have drove 300 miles today but it was worth it. Memories the Tools of joy, When I would look back at my life I would just break down and cry. Thinking of all the things I missed with my children, Family etc. I worked at night as a bartender for 24 years I always used the excuses that we needed the money and the money was really good. What a price I paided for that thou, The truth was yes the money was good but it also was a way of getting paid for a night out. I never drank when I worked but Boy I could catch up faster then anyone and that I did. The price i had to pay for getting paid for those nights out. When i look back now I didn't have that quite time with my children before they went to sleep or that loving quite time with my husband. ( he would wait all night for me to come home) and when I finally did he was so mad but that went away with the thought of thank God she is home and she didn't kill herself or someone else tonite. He was also happy that he didn't have to wake up to the kids asking where I was could you picture if he had to tell three beautiful children with uncondtional love for there Mother that Moms not here she was drinking and Killed herself on the way home. (MY GOD) where would my children be today if that had happened. God was with me all the time I just wasn't with him. Now I look back and The memories keep that green for me, Thank God I'm able to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend etc. most most important a Sober Female because without that I would be NOTHING. Someday i might be able to be a wife again, but that same man that would have died for me and lied for me and loved me with ALL he had ( had conditions ) and he was beat so far down that i pray every night for his happiness and freedom from my disease. I hurt the people I love the most and even thou I haven't have a second chance on some things I now have a second chance on my life and with that I want my Memories to be a tool of joy. This past year has not been easy but I can't thank God enough for this second chance I have now sober. I made a year and now I have a year and 3 days new to start my year all over again, sober Birthdays, Hoildays, Memories.  One Day At A Time. Gail (Jennifer, Anthony, Karl Jr. KARL SR. I love you all with all my heart and soul.)

What a Direction.

Well yesterday was my One year anniversary of being Sober. It was incrediable, I have so much to be Greatful for. I said a prayer before I went to go speak and God gave me the words, they just came flowing out. It was the first time in two years that all three of my children where in the same room together and sitting with each other. My husband gave them a ride there and I'm very grateful for that. All at once it seems like my Life has just opened up on a new level I'm going to take it Day to Day there is just so much to write about and my mind is working faster then my typing right now so I'm just going to sit back and reflect on the Gifts of Soberty that God has put in my path and even there its One Day At A Time... Till later i'm just so Full of happiness I have to enjoy it for the time being because like everything " THIS TOO SHALL PASS "LOL God Bless You All: Gail

Your Answers Will Come

 

"Be watchful, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13

 

Do not choose to spend your day in a worried state of mind, for such negative thinking activity can leave you tired, and out of sorts.

Instead, you recognize that God can provide every answer for your every need.  Once again, you feel the peace of God's presence, and with God's help you can go forth to accomplish your goals.

 

You place God first in your every thought.

 

God is always


God is always with you.  In any moment of need, you can call on God.  God is with you and more than ready to show you the way through any challenge.

 

You never have to meet a challenge alone, so why do so?  God and you working together bring right outcomes to every situation.  Trusting fully in God, you experience a surge of fresh energy, and well-being.  Together, God and you are one in purpose and one in accomplishment.  The joy of knowing this fills you with renewed confidence and strength. 




You never have to meet a challenge alone, so why do so?  God and you working together bring right outcomes to every situation.  Trusting fully in God, you experience a surge of fresh energy, and well-being.  Together, God and you are one in purpose and one in accomplishment.  The joy of knowing this fills you with renewed confidence and strength.  You are no longer feeling anxious or doubtful, for God is truly the answer to every prayer.


physical body, God's wisdom can come through your confused mind, and new abundance can flow again through the doors that God opens for you.

 

Whatever is the focus of your faith will surely manifest itself in your life and circumstances.  So keep your thoughts, feelings, actions and words centered in the possibilities of God.  What you truly believe in day after day will become so much a part of you that it will become a partof your life experience.

 

Today, have faith in God and the goodness of God

ONE YEAR TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made it, One year sober today. Thanking God every STEP.  It is great last year my kids where not really in my life. I was someone that they only seen in there nightmares. Just the Despair in my life and the Total Physical breakdown of a human being. And now my 15 year old son stayed up till 12am. to be the first one to say Happy 1st. Year. I'm so happy I speak tonight in Wildwood and it's going to be so powerful. My husaband and Two of my children this will be the first meeting they ever went to. My middle son he is 17 he goes with me all the time. My life has changed so much in so little time. I found myself getting feared up today though, because no one has ever heard my story and now it's going to be a first for alot of people. I speak in the rehabs alot and do alot of service but this is different, this is personal. That One Day At A Time turned into a year, that is really something else. Tomarro this journal will start with the process of another day another year, My experiences, Strengths and Hopes. I thank God and the people that where put in my path, they are great (uncondtional LOVE) thats the only word for them all. I seen a girl tonight that looked just like me ayear ago she is very sick, scared, and boney, can't eat or sleep, she is beautiful and shakey but if she doesn't get it shes going to die..... It is written all over her face. I saw her standing out front of the meeting tonight I told her to come with me into the meeting and tell us her pain, she did (God working) and she got numbers and help after the meeting. Boy those Meeting before and after the meeting are the best ones. I chaired the meeting tonight by surprize and It was such a great meeting, the energy, love, and hope just flowed. To anyone out there that thinks they can't do it, YES YOU CAN because if I did it man anyone can do it, but it is work work work and pain and emotional healing with GOD and AA, and the people in the rooms the power is so great IF YOU REALLY WANT IT. Thank you all for reading and have a great sleep, your all in my prayers Love Yeah Gail

              I fling my past behind me like a robe
              worn threadbare in the seams, and out of date.
              I have outgrown it.
                                                        Ella Wheller Wilcox


A thought:  When you do this, You can never look
back, but you won't want to Anyway.

Everyday Life

Something to Ponder:  The best thing you can do for yourself
is to get over the thought that failure is a stop sign.  Failure should
be part of every day experience.  The more you can't comfortable
with it, the more successful you will become.  We all need to accept
that failure is part of learning and growing.  I know when I was in
my early teens to late twenties I feared failure.  The
most freeing feeling in my forties is accepting it as part of every
day life. 

One can never change the past,
just the hold it has on you.

A thought: 

  Think about courageous choices for a minute.
Remember, one day, all your small but indelible
moments of private courage will burst through.
And both you and your world will have changed
in an  authentic moment.

LIST TO LIVE BY:::::

The most destructive habit..........................................Worry

The greatest Joy.........................................................Giving

The greatest loss........................................................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work............................................ Helping others

The ugliest personality trait........................................  Selfishness

The most endangered species....................................  Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.....................................  Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm"....................................  Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.............................   Fear

The most effective sleeping pill..................................   Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease.............................    Excuses

The most powerful force in life...................................   Love

The most dangerous pariah.......................................  A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer.......................    The brain

The worst thing to be without.... ...............................   Hope

The deadliest weapon...............................................  The tongue

The two most power-filled words...............................   "I Can"

The greatest asset....................................................  Faith

The most worthless emotion......................................  Self-pity

The most beautiful attire............................................  SMILE!

The most prized possession....................................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication..........      Prayer

The most contagious spirit.........................................  Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!

For only today!!!!!!!!

For only today, and what a great day it was. I just had a great day. I had a 10 hour job, ( I'm a professional cleaner ) I'm the person they call to put the houses back in shape after the touriest season comes to a end. It's pretty tough job at times but i love it. ( It's soooooo rewarding to see the finished product ). I had bowling tonight, that is something that I'v been wanting to do for years, join a team and Boy it is fun. Well Friday is coming up fast and I have to speak in WildWood for my 1 year ann. it's exciting. It just seems like yesterday I was coming in the rooms. But I don't  want to go though this first year again. So I just be training myself to stay in the day. Sometimes that is hard always projecting ( what a defect 0 hahah. ) But life it's self is hard at times. And you are all right I'am never alone. I have God and people just like myself. I told myself today ( Gail your just going to take a day and be happy ALL day ) and when stuff came into my head I just said PASS and I also reminded myself that days like this, ( THIS TO SHALL PASS ). My bad days are bad but they are coming fewer and fewer, acceptance is the key. I'm a hard headed person and very impatience so I had and still do have alot to learn, but for now I will take Gods blessing of a good day. It is so exciting that my kids are excited about this Friday coming up, Boy what a switch this time last year a matter of fact 9-28-03  I hit my bottom and had a Total Break Down The last person my kids wanted to see was ME the where scared, I was really sick, they told me my Daughter that is going to be 21 sat with me in the Hospital for two nights and I don't even re,ember it. Now boy that is the power of the drink. I pick the first of the month to be my anniversy because thats when I woke up and realized that I was in a hospital and I finally lost my mind. Thank God for God and AA because I'am 100% better today I still have 400% percent to go " BUT FOR TODAY " I thank God and my Children for being the most important things in my life today right next to my soberty, Without God and loving people around me I would be nothing I would most likely be dead. Thank God I'm here and now My kids and I have another Holiday that we celebrate ( ONE DAY AT A TIME ) love to all I have to try to get some sleep. Bye for now and your all in my prayers. Not only for today but always.   Love Yeah Gail.

>"Fate determines who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay,and who you refuse to let go.""

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall who's eyes are I seeing that go to my soul?

I looked in the Mirror today and asked myself WHO ARE YOU?  A year ago at this time I really didn't care to look at that empty person with that lost soul. I can look at myself today. That is something to be grateful for. I don't see that monster that drinking had caused, that person that hurt everyone who was infected by me. I had no soul what a lost feeling when you realize that. " I WAS VERY SICK " I look in the mirror now and see a person that cares about other people and I'm able to reach out and help. I see a Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, even a Wife and thats all the things that I didn't have a year ago. They where always right in front of me but so was that First Drink and that just took over and ruled my every being. I see Love now and I'm able to love. I here truth now and I'm able to tell the truth. I trust now and I'm able to be trusted these are all the things that i have and never seen because drinking told me they where not important or real. I spent time with my Daughter today and I'm so thankful she had the Father she had because she really is in the right direction, and I even Thanked God that she experienced what she did with me because she doesn't Drink or use Drugs. She has better plans with her life and she had Life one on One at home growing up. She learned By my Pain and Healing. ( The whole process ) is really amazing. When i think about this time last year and all the things I prayed for I'm gratful I didn't get everything. I would have never been ready for a relationship of any kind back then even with my children. But now I have a relationship with my kids and I'm able to be sober. Karl Sr. ( my husband ) well today is his Birthday and at first I was so upset because I really wanted to spend it with him, after thinking about it I'm gratful that he is just having one and I pray a happy one if that. All he's been though. I'm so happy that i never did anything in a Black Out physically that would have hurt him or my children. Life begins at 40 in my case 41 because thats when I got Sober. I went to two meetings tonite and heard just what I needed to here. LOVE PAIN HAPPINESS and DESPIRE Thank God that today I can reach out and help other people, Thank God I can eaze someone elses Pain. By doing that I help my OWN. God Bless everyone that never gave up on me, and Thank You for the Most important being and That is God. I could have NEVER done this by myself.  Just One Day At A Time- and pray pray pray, never give up HOPE & FAITH. Gail

The End of The Beginning

Well in five more days I will have a Year Sober. I began with surrender and finishing with fight. So far this year I have learned that I'm powerless over every sitution and the things that I wanted the most aren't the things that I'm meant to have. ( I still struggle with that notion somedays). I now have a fight in me to move and improve, to live a happy and free life Sober. In a years time I have gained the respect back from my Children and Family, Some still don't see it clearly but they are coming around in there own time. My Husband still has alot of issues and anger I pray for him everyday, This was not his fault. alcohol has a power of it's own and it claims Lives sometimes all the way to the END. I always loved my Husband, Children, and Family but I'm a alcoholic and my blood runs riot with 90 Proof. I really didn't have a choice when I was under my addiction because the Drink made all the decisions for me. It even told me I didn't deserve a life at all and then meantally took it from me. The only reason I'm still alive is God has a plan for me and I loved my Family. My three Children and Husband where always in my head at the same time the voice of drinking was telling me to end it all, stop the pain kill myself. They are the only reasons I didn't, even thou alcohol took away all my resonable thinking and physical, mental, and spirturial being Deep in side I had a strong love that will always be uncondional. Being Sober is one of the best gifts I ever recieved just to know what REAL love, pain, emotions and thoughts are, life has a whole different color to it. I would go to bed at night and my prayer where" God please take me when I'm sleeping I can't take the pain anymore" now I thank God I can feel Pain and True emotions and give praise and Thanks for another day. I ask God for his Will everyday for Myself and all other people. To make me the best person I can be. And to use me to help other people and bring Happiness, Safety, and Love into everything I do. I can look in the mirrow now and see a person, A beautiful person with Dreams Hope and Faith that is something I couldn't do or would even think to do a year ago. I was a havic on peoples lives and just brought hurt and shame and thats something I don't have to do today because I have a God, Program, and a better way of living instilled in me. I still have my days of the ups and downs and I still have my times of crying but only when things come up That Hurt or don't remember, " My Ghosts" but then I deal with them. I talk about it and get it out honestly instead of just filing it under it never happened and just forgetting about it. A drink for me today is to DIE, I will always be one drink away from my grave and thats not a place I want to go to now, I have a life ahead of me and I thank God and a program that I have today and hope to have forever in my life until the day God takes me home . This journal will be ended on Oct. 1st. A new journal will be started: From surrender to fight ( for life ) what a change.   Love Gail

What is a Alcoholic Mother

What is a Alcoholic Mother? I found myself looking at the title of this journal and it never stuck me. Alcoholic? That is something that I never expected , I didn't just wake up one day and say well I think I'll be a Alcoholic for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I sit back and say to myself boy the love I had for my children, Husband, Family, etc.. didn't even come into play when it came to the force of drinking my problemed life away. ( and just making the problems bigger and more excussable in my own head) until the day came when I didn't know thr lie from the truth or vise versa. Being in my body and head, I have to learn how to deal with great guilt, loss, shame.  These things have a physical pain attached to them that I feel in my stomach and heart daily. I pray for the obsession I have over the loss and guilt to be lifted just like it was with the drink. But for some reason it is taking it's time. I know that God has a reason for all this pain and shame fear and wary life but I just can't figure it out. I'v been told that more will be reveiled in Gods time. But when is that? I have to learn to not let my will take over and try to lead the way or change things because Everything happens for a reason. I still feel like gods timing is off sometimes to get diviorce papers for my birthday, but then that just showed me that 6,5,4, months ago I would have blown my brains out and other people with me. But I handled it. Yes I got upset, but handled it. I still feel like I don't deserve to lose all that I did lose. My family, husband, house, love,etc. it's a hard egg to peel. The last thing that ever came to mind was a drink, I never thought of it at all that was shocking.so something is getting better. Then I sat back and looked where I was 9 months ago then I realized alot has changed, I have changed. Honesty is natural now, compassion for others comes so easy, feelings I never thought before I had I have now. ( just no other half to share them with. lol ) The Family afterwares I'am all that and more, to reckage is like the storm from hell and i'am going to need a big shovel and lots of helpers to help me clean it up. I have to make God the boss for now. I have to remind myself everyday because lately I do slip into that funk at least once a day, and I really want to get back into having some kind of peace in my life. Well thank God for another day sober one more safe person on the streets tonight without ME driving drunk.

Till Later Gail

Doing what I don't want to do.

Well I did have a tough weekend with all the people here at the shore on vacation. I found myself feeling closed in, unable to breath. I didn't want to go out or to meeting etc. But I decided to face my fears and do it anyway. I went out to meeting for the last two nights and they really helped me. I drove along the coast and took time to see what I take for granted everyday, the sea, waves, boats, sky etc. it was great. I have to remind myself that I'am doing soooooooo  much better then I was 9 months ago.  I never want to go back to that life. It is loney sometimes more then others but in Gods time I will not be alone. I started writting because I haven't in so long and didn't want to so I went and did it and now I feel better. I have to push myself sometimes I get stuck in the funk of things. I found myself just looking at all the happy people and fun and forgot to look at the people that have it much worst then me. I have it pretty good for someone that has lost everything. I found myself not being able to pray so I asked God to help me pray and it is helping.   I just have to remember where I am and what time it is. I am Here, and the time is now. And the meaning of time to me is ( This I Must Earn ). Thank god I have some special people that help me so much and they don't even realize it.God has blessed me in many ways and that I have to keep in mind. Well until tomarro, Sunny 85 clear skys and beaches, it doesn't get better then this. ( for now ) .  Gail

Thank you Angel, for your e-mails. I almost forgot.

Changes like the wind.

Well, it's has been awhile i THOUGHT i WAS GOING TO COME BACK AND WRITE BUT THE UP AND DOWNS REALLY GOT TO ME. i CAN GIVE GREAT ADVICE BUT NEVER CAN i USE MY OWN. On July 1st. I celebrated 9 Months sober. Boy what a trip it has been putting the drink down was the easy part. Living life on lifes terms thats the hard part. I feel like I have been in a coma for 3 years only 9 months of that sober and finally woke up to everybody and everything gone. My husband went with someone else, the kids are living there own lives and now I have to live mine. It's almost like I have to learn it all over again, but then I guess I do. I don't miss the people that I used to hang with or the places I went but it does get loney. 4th of July was a hard weekend for me. I live in a resort area by the shore and all the happy families and children really got me depressed. I was happy for the people having fun but felt so alone with myself, I just wanted to be happy and loved and have someone call me honey or dear. Kiss or Hugg would have even been good. Everyone tells me how good of a person I am, and God will put someone special in my life in his time. I have to go with that I guess for now. I'am really glad I'am able to write again I wasn't able to for a while. I just didn;t know what to write, I couldn't even write my thoughts because they where so screwed up. Hope everyone is doing great. be back soon, Gail

I'am Back

Well I'am back. It has been awhile sense I have wrote in my journal. I have been going thur some times and emotionally lost track of everything. But I'am still sober. It will be 7 months on the !st God willing. I had to really get in touch with me. Falling into the trap with a friend that just made it easier and I wasn't working my program to the fullest.  Relationships with another man is going to take some time. I still haven't gotten over my husband and I still love him. To be with someone in soberity it is really scarey. ( like the first time all over again) well I guess it really is. Thank you to all that noticed that I wasnt writting and checked in to see if I was ok. You are ALL always in my prayers. I just wanted to write to say hello and i'll be back in full swing of my journal soon. Learning what acceptance is can really be a chore at times, but God and the women in my life are helping sooooooooooo  much now.. Well till later, tomarro a beach day, the shore and the night skies are breath taking now and only to get better and better as summer comes on... Love you all Gail

cont.. Acceptance is more then saying IM

I still have to work and put my moods in check sometimes, when I get into that self pity and obsessive thoughts, I just have to remember what a friend told me remind myself, Where are you? (Here) What time is it? (Now) and you can just start your day all over again at ANY time. Meetings and people are very important, to here people share there life stories with Pain, Happiness, it is a never ending road but it just gets greener and life starts to reform. To see people ( newcomers ) when they first come in, and then after even a couple of weeks starting to want what we have , a second chance on life they get that glow back that look of life. ( and gods will ) it is amazing. I use to beg for a second chance on my marriage, I never knew how important it really was to me because I was blind to all lifes facts, I use to pray ( please god make everything just go back good ) but now I realize He did answer me I have a second chance on LIFE! (SOBER) if anything else comes along it will just be a plus. I have the Love of my children That is god sent, and I do know I'am still loved . It takes time to get to just this point of my life with a WHOLE lot ahead of me, and it feels good. Emotions we all deal with that is life, and they can become unbearable at times but this too shall pass, it's really hard to believe but it does.  I have to accept the things I can't change, because if I don't it could spin me right back to that insane way of living in my case it would be , Not gods will but my Last will and testament I could never live threw my active addiction again, Now that is ACCEPTANCE!!!!!!! God Bless, Love to all, Gail

Acceptance More then just saying IM

Acceptance is more then just saying or omitting you have a problem! When you truely accept the fact that you have a addiction weather Drugs, Eatting, Alcohol, spending whatever it may be that is when the true work comes in. Reality and Life on Lifes terms. Not only with myself but with other people, people we use to call friends. ( Even Family ). People tend to change when you change. One example I went out to dinner with some people that still do drink just a couple at dinner, but when I went with them they weren't sure if they should order a drink or not because I don't drink, I let it go for a couple of mintues and then said go ahead just because you drink doesn't mean I have too. ( They felt weird ) or you get the friends that when they do see you they try to go out of there way to say " Man I feel better, I don't drink like I use to" I drink alot of coffee now. Sometimes it just makes me laugh people change because they can't believe that there ex-partying buddy is sober.  Or they just get very scared almost like they are waiting for you to have your Grand Finialy. My Grand End was when I was at my end or the bottom we call it. Everyones bottom is different! Some worst then others but thats there bottom. In my case it took me losing everything including my mind. And that is a place I don't plan on visiting again or forgetting. God only puts on your plate what you can handle, and sense I was in a addiction and never started to finish most on my plate that's where the work comes in. Most people with a addictive pattern it becomes overwhelming and finally we accept we need help. Some turn to professional help, AA, Church, Etc. in my case all of the above but most important My Higher Power. ( Because I Couldn't do it alone )   cont...........

cont.... From being in your own head.........

The people we hurt are in there own addiction of denial that the person they love the most has changed, has problems, everything will be ok tomarro, but tomarro never comes. ( Until we hit bottom ). Everyones bottom is different a addiction can go on for years, until we kill our souls. The demons that we must live with comes along the path of recovery, and they can be just as painful as the addiction. It wasn't that we didn't love our children or spouse we just fill up with self regret and covered it up with the our drug of choice. The people we affected the most we think will come running back , happy for you and resume life with you again. ( not always ) they are scared, not wanting to go back to that life, hurt, and pain, they are crushed and life has been sucked out of them. The addict is not the only one that needs recovery.  So being in our own heads sometimes isn't good, sometimes it is really hard to seperate fiction from truth, but it does come back in time. One of the hardest things to do is ask someone (What did I do under My Addiction ) alot of people can't understand not remembering ( BLACKOUTS ) as we know them.  Time is a healer, Patiences is a gift.  To all that endored the affects of a addict remember Pain turns into Anger, Anger turns into your own addiction.

                                                                                              Gail W

Being in your own Head bad place to go?

Is being in your own head a bad place to go? Well when you are under a addiction alot of times that is the only place you are at. ( Nothing else madders ) not for the sake of not loving your family or loved ones only for the fact that you have limited space at the time ( You don't think ) everything is normal to you. But in reality things are totally out of control. In the mist of a addiction you do cry out for help but in a different way. It's called anger, hate, self-pity, denial. We lash out at the people we love the most because we trust they will be there to take it. Getting sober your mind is a good and bad place if only you can seperate the lies we have told ourselves and the truth of things that we did do. Most of the time we hurt the people we love the most at not expense but thats our way we have no expense the sky is the limit until we fall.... cont..

life after surrender

You come to a point, when things start making sense instead of just being scrambled in your head. You start thinking a little clearer.When I got to the point of surrender to alcohol and it's torturing affect on the people that had to live with it and loved me, there is a clear window. Almost like clouds lifting with a ray of shine coming threw. To ignore problems and pretend they aren't happening was a great plus to living the life of a Alcoholic, I would just tell everyone I'am sorry and just tell myself it wasn't that bad when in reality it was tranquilising. To think God had abandoned me to find out I was the one who abandoned everyone, but my disease. It takes alot of steps to even get to the first step of recovery, to realize you now are going to HAVE to live a totally different way of life. A meaningfull and productive life. I'am not saying I didn't mean things that I did say in my addiction. I did Love My Husband and Children with all my heart but I just heart people around me because as I know now I was stuck in Hell. When I came to believe that God never left me I left him was heart breaking. But God and my Family has always been there for me and now the picture is getting clearer. I always said when I was younger That if you truely Love something set it free if it comes back to you it was yours all along if not, it was just a lesson learned. When you have feelings that you haven't felt in so long it takes time to take control of them, at first they all race out like do everything at once, but that just confusses people and scares them away. Everything takes time, and time I have,  To use it wisely and in a good way. I love my Children they are a blessing from God, And so was my Husband, God has a plan the master plan I'am just here for the ride, ( The ride of a life time )  Till next time God Bless and Love to all Gail

Detachment

Well, it has been awhile sense i wrote in this journal, alot has happened. I celebrated 4 months yesterday, and have seemed to shift my thoughts for once to myself. The one thing that has been going threw my mind lately is that I can no longer look back sense thats not the way I want to go. I have to face forward and take lifes problems head on. As a fast moving and confusing drunk that I was ( and still can be with that first drink) now I have to take a new direction. I have to be grateful for the things that I have going for me and stop trying to get back what I lost, maybe they where never mine to have. I have learned more about myself in these 4 months then I have learned in the past 41 years. I am a proud person and have self worth. I tend to keep going to that brick wall with all the same questions just to here the same answers praying that someday the people I loved the most in my life will just change face, but my head gets beat up against the wall over and over. So I have to change direction now and walk the other way with new hurtles to jump. One day at a time. I drank out of anxiety, and was arragent against reality. Time to wake up and put my mind to use. I love and miss my children but they are all getting older now and are really busy, I do feel cheated on motherhood, with no one to blame but myself but i'am working on a life time plan. God has a plan for me. Every alcoholics death has been interrupted because by rights we should have died a long time ago, but no we are special people of god! And are put here for a reason, or even maybe the sole purpose to help the new comer. I have lost alot but also gain back my life and respect to come.

                               This we owe to AA's Future:

To place our common welfare first; to keep our fellowship united, For on AA Unity depends our lives, and the lives of

those to come............................  Thank you, Love and God Bless, Gail  (responds welcome)