What is a Alcoholic Mother

What is a Alcoholic Mother? I found myself looking at the title of this journal and it never stuck me. Alcoholic? That is something that I never expected , I didn't just wake up one day and say well I think I'll be a Alcoholic for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I sit back and say to myself boy the love I had for my children, Husband, Family, etc.. didn't even come into play when it came to the force of drinking my problemed life away. ( and just making the problems bigger and more excussable in my own head) until the day came when I didn't know thr lie from the truth or vise versa. Being in my body and head, I have to learn how to deal with great guilt, loss, shame.  These things have a physical pain attached to them that I feel in my stomach and heart daily. I pray for the obsession I have over the loss and guilt to be lifted just like it was with the drink. But for some reason it is taking it's time. I know that God has a reason for all this pain and shame fear and wary life but I just can't figure it out. I'v been told that more will be reveiled in Gods time. But when is that? I have to learn to not let my will take over and try to lead the way or change things because Everything happens for a reason. I still feel like gods timing is off sometimes to get diviorce papers for my birthday, but then that just showed me that 6,5,4, months ago I would have blown my brains out and other people with me. But I handled it. Yes I got upset, but handled it. I still feel like I don't deserve to lose all that I did lose. My family, husband, house, love,etc. it's a hard egg to peel. The last thing that ever came to mind was a drink, I never thought of it at all that was shocking.so something is getting better. Then I sat back and looked where I was 9 months ago then I realized alot has changed, I have changed. Honesty is natural now, compassion for others comes so easy, feelings I never thought before I had I have now. ( just no other half to share them with. lol ) The Family afterwares I'am all that and more, to reckage is like the storm from hell and i'am going to need a big shovel and lots of helpers to help me clean it up. I have to make God the boss for now. I have to remind myself everyday because lately I do slip into that funk at least once a day, and I really want to get back into having some kind of peace in my life. Well thank God for another day sober one more safe person on the streets tonight without ME driving drunk.

Till Later Gail