Winds of Change:

Well, I'am coming up on 90 days sober. I never thought this time last year I would be able to do it. But I guess this time I really wanted it. The holidays are right around the corner, I guess I always prayed to be sober with my family. ( Husband and children) I still never gave up the hope and prayers everyday that it will work out someday. Tonight was one of those nights I went to the meeting and all I could think of was holding my husband while he was sleeping or just being close to him again. I really try to keep busy and move on, but my love lies in certain areas. I really wish that I could share my sober life with my husband. The kids will grow up and move on but I really messed up my life when I stopped thinking and kept drinking. I was like a twister in peoples lives, destroyer mode. I pray to God everyday for forgiveness. I'am kinda stuck sometimes I don't know what to pray for or do, so I pray for other people. Christmas is a time for thanking and giving. I would love to give my Love 110% but it's not wanted. I did learn alot from being sober and one thing I remember everyday is that You don't know what tomarro will bring. I would love just to go far away and start a whole new life. A sober beginning. I just have to keep prayers close to heart and always look out for the new comer that needs help. I really miss my husband and the family we had even thou it had it problems there was love under it all. Maybe someday I will deserve the chance to be happy and Loved that way again, ( unconditional) I pray for my son anthony he misses his only dad he really had, and now has to live somewheres that he hates. I miss my younger son with his smiles and dry jokes he looks like a angle when he sleeps, and I miss the warm heart and hands of the man I love, and my daughters funny faces that she makes. These are all parts of me that have been deleted by the partying and misuse of my life. These are parts of me that are empty that I pray for God to fill. I'll keep the faith . Thats something I would never lose. Till Later Gail

Moods

Mood's, boy they can come and go. I'am still early in soberity and Thank God everyday for a new day. But one thing I have learned from someone that is very wise, is that I can start my day over anytime. Night Day Afternoon, it doesn't matter. As a women I think we are moody anyway,lol.... But so is everyone. That is what makes our world so different and exciting. For the new comer just hang in there. Remember (they told me) The first three steps are sit down, shut up, and listen.  There is alot of wise people out there and people that really do care. AA people are special they are mostly very REAL people. Just go to FACE TO FACE meetings and your life will change, but moods are all part of it. Till Later Good day everyone, God Bless the still suffering acholics, and your all in my prayers. Love Gail

shortcomings

Well, it is another day of cold weather and wind. Can't wait for summer to get back around. I really miss sitting on the beach and reading. Well I have another day to be gratful for, I have my health, kids, and a piece of mind these days. Still missing home at times, but I guess this is what everyone needed is time. God will show me the right way. My husband and children are always in my prayers but now I also include myself ( not asking but thanking) . The hoildays are coming up and I'am just going to keep busy. Helping other people the way they all helped me. I have to put my feelings aside sometimes and just thank God for being alive and having this little bit of peace in my life now. I wake up every morning at 6am go outside and look up and thank God for anpther day, I try to go thur the day just doing the right thing. One thing to try is ( do something nice for three people in one day and don't tell anyone about it) not as easy as it might sound, but great for the mind. Well i'll right more later, if you happen to read some of my journals please leave a comment, I would love to here from you. God Bless and Love All. Gail  3/3

Understanding

Well it was a great day, finally I have found someone that understands me and knows where I'am coming from. I went to four meetings today man it was fun. The people that I'am with are so special and all have been where I'am at one time in there life. I still pray that someday my husband will understand this disease some, he really is missing out on the best of me. I'am at my best , the best I've been for a long time and only going to get better and stronger. I love life now and see it with both eyes open, head on. My eyes where blinded for so many years from drugs and a booze, that it was unfair to the people that loved me because even thou I loved them I was uncapable of showing it. Now my feeling and thoughts are healing, God is showing me a new blessing everyday. Someday I pray, my husband can understand and come to realize that this is a way of life for me now. I love him and really would like for him to be a part of my recovery but something I just had to do myself. This is a self help program and always have your hands out to help the next person like they did for me. My body and Mind is healing slowly, but strongly. In a way I thank God for the day I hit Rock Bottom, because if I never hit that low I  would be dead, my body was shutting down and my mind was tired without a fight no more. It has only been 42 days, and boy what a difference. It's almost like having those 5 senses back again. It is good to feel, Love share and have peace knowing that God is handleing my life now the way he chooses. Now if only he can give me good spelling. hahahaha, Well till later God Bless thank you another day. Keep my Children and Husband safe, and bless our families. Thank you Tom/Renee'   Love Gail

PAST

Well I just found a journal from 2002, boy maybe I shouldn't have read it. I was so messed up and really on the verge of who knows what. Even thou all the mess I still loved my husband, I really do miss my family and my Husband, I really never knew how much because I was all screwed up. I'am sober now 42 days, doesn't sound like alot but it is a great start, I still pray for God to direct me the right way. When I was a kid I always used to say If you love something set it free if it comes back it is yours, if not it never was. Well It is one of the hardest things to do, but with a clear mind now I have to handle the pain and heart ache head first. I do believe that God will do the right thing for all. I have to go to a meeting now I will write more later. Gail

Everything For A Reason

When you wake up in the morning at 3AM, why does that happen? Maybe it's God telling you wake up I have something for you to see or feel. I have a lesson for you to inplant in the thoughts of yours for the day to come. No one really knows for sure, but you can feel the peaceful power that surrounds you as you go back to bed to continue that nights sleep. I walk outside and the first thing I see is the beauty that we are all gifted with all around us, but alot of us never take notice, ( shame on them) they are really missing out. Life itself is a gift bad or good, somehow it works out in the long run. God has a plan for me and I believe there is a reason for where i'am at. Being early  soberity life is starting to have color everything isn't in Black and White anymore, or should I say most of the time. Well things arise everyday and if I let it get me down they will, But with the help of GOD i'am going to make it. I DON'T want to waste  the gift of life I was blessed with. Well I'll write more later, God bless. Gail

Co-dependency

Well, today is one of those rainey day's. I knew what kind of day it was going to be as soon as I woke up. I went to the counselor today and we talked. Co-dependency, when your mood is reflected by the way others see you, I never realized how powerful that is. I guess when your relationships are going good or just so busy you don't even think of it but when your mood gets down and you hang on every word that people give you, that is not healthy, the hardest thing in the world is letting go. I think that letting go of people that you really love is harder then letting go of a addiction. My addiction cost me everything that meant something to me. And now if I ever have any chance of regaining it I have to let go, it is easier to let the drink go sometimes before the family.  One of the hardest lessons to learn are to do it for yourself, and be graftful for what you do have and not the things that you don't have, I let it all go to God, he is the only one that is powerful enough to handle this. I will always love my Family and Husband, but at one point I guess they had to let go to, if they didn't I would have never woke up and realized what it is like to be Sober. It's only been 37 days but that is 37 more then I had before. I thank God everyday for my Children, Family, Higher Power (God), and my husband for sticking to his guns, I know realize what and how much love I lost and how much love I took for grantied. Until Later Gail ( going to a meeting) Hello Randi Love u.

Viewing the past

Well today was a good day after having one of the worst nights in a while last night. Boy I haven't cried that much in a while. Last weekend I went to a dance and people told me Gail your on that PINK cloud watch yourself! I said I feel so good nothing could break my bubble. Well they where right. I went into a emotional down fall ( but I never though of drinking ) I just was tired of being sick and tired. I lost my track for a little bit, not remembering what I do have instead of what I don't have. I have so much to be gratful for, great kids, good friends, and my life back. And all the thanks go to my Higher Power (god) or how you choose to see him. Tonight I went with a friend of mine to a place where I first walked in and fell apart, ( the Turnersville, NJ ) meeting, boy it felt good, people came up to me and said I know you don't I and I just said yes It's me Gail, they said Oh my God we didn't even know who you where at  first they said I looked so good, I had a Glow, I said thank you and that the difference was that I'am HONESTLY sober now. The last time these people saw me I was Death warmed over. It was so nice seeing those people again, it was worth the hour ride. I saw a young man there ( about 16-17 years old) tonight, it was his first meeting everyone Welcomed him and they gave him a 24 hour chip and told him 24 hours at a time. It brought a tear to me because I remember when they did that for me. This young Man sat next to me tonight, holding that chip so tight he was shaking, He is in my prayers tonight, I hope he does better with the 24 hour chip then I did. It told me 24 hours plus a YEAR to admit my life was totally out of control. gail

Hopeful November

Good day, I woke up took my coofee outside and said thank you God for giving me another day. ( And a beautiful one if that ) I went to my first AA dinner function last night. Did't know what to expect, Man it was fun. You talk about a room filled with Love and HAPPY people. We are special people, with a blessing from God or our HIgher Power as you see him. Everyone ate, and danced all night and it was done WITHOUT drinking, I had more fun like that then I ever did in my drinking career. For some reason you are not shy, and always smiling. I thank God for every day now, I remember when I would wake up on a Sunday around 3-4 PM and say ' What the Hell did I do last night"  and call around to see what kind of ass I made out of myself. Well this morning I woke up after a function feeling good and Remembering EVERYTHING including the people I meant and even leaving, the ride home, thats a switch I never ever remembered the ride home, thats when my brain would just shut off ( blackout) but by the grace of God I have a second chance on Life and it's better Late then never, and the best part it DOESN'T COST NOTHING just time, and that we all have when we choice to use it. Well I hope everyone is having a great day, and never forget to pray for the other people that are still suffering, and also each other, As they say Thank God in the AM Thank God in the PM and go to a meeting, it does work if you work it. God Bless and will write more later.    Thank you Tom,                                                                                      Gail

A way to close out oct...

Well, today was special day. ( I didn't drink ) I went to the meeting tonight. They always make me feel loved and NORMAL, I was talking tonight about keeping it simple. Well you can try but this disease is all but simple. But learning to see the blessings from God that you wouldn't normally see when you are drunk, is a high within it self. I had a great day My daughter sent me a e-mail today that touched my heart sooooo much, (she welcomed me back to life ) these are the blessings, I walked out of my AA meeting tonight, the meeting room is 1/2 block from the beach. The sky was clear and it was warm for oct. ( IN N.J ) and i looked up and the brightess falling star I have ever seen fell, any other time I would have wished for something that is in Gods Hands anyway. I started to wish and stopped, all that came to mind was not a wish but a thank you to my higher power (god) as we understand him. I felt great then I realized I might not have had a second chance on somethings but god did give me a second chance on life. AA and the fellowship of great people really helped me get there. Like we say keep coming back it works if you work it. If I can do it and feel so good after this short time, I can't wait for the long haul. Day to Day, Thanks in the morning , Thanks at night , make a meeting make two if you need that uplift and great feeling that comes about you when SOMEONE does understand. God Bless Everyone, And God be with the still that are suffering. Sweet Dreams and Lord Thank you for another day. ( now thats something we wounldn't normally say as drunks ) Another Day?   Gail

Another Stage

Today, we a great day. God really showed his true rewards to me, I guess that is the little gifts that people really don't notice much with the way life is so busy. I had special time with my son Karl Jr. Today I'am so grateful for being sober. I can here the rotten things I did in the past and finally came to live with them. Things we do to the people we love and even people we don't know when we are under the influence can be cruel. We destroy good lives and don't even realize it. I guess I just came to terms with my dark passed, and I finally forgiving myself and put it behind me. All this time I woundered why I feel so depressed , to now realize the past was holding me down. It was almost like a powerful drugs that just takes control of you. I can look in the mirror now and say YES you are living with a sickness but the key word is living and the other key word is time. The sickness of being a acholic is something that you can't cure with a pill. It takes TIME, honesty,and will, the most important thing is to have the grace of GOD in your life everyday. When you feel weak he is never to tired to carry you. ( When you get that feeling it is sooooooo  great ) My life is going in a different direction and it is for the best. I feel love , and also welcome it now. AA has helped me open more doors in 30 days then I have done in 25 years. The love and respect you get from others is such a blessing. God has great plans for me and I'am just taking his lead. Marriage or no marriage This new found love for me is here to stay, and the took alot of TIME. I want to bless all other people trying to get there lives together. And pray to God to lift some of the Pain and anger that my husband has, (he really is a great guy) When we where together I would always say " You don't deserve me, You deserve Better" Well you know what I was right. He deserved someone that was sober enough to see the love one person had for another. God Bless my children, and family, and all the rest of the people that are still suffering out there. There is always HOPE for whatever you dream in as long as your true to yourself. Till Tomorrow, Gail

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Today is my 30 days. I made it a month SOBER.

Healing of Mind and Soul

     He who formed our Frame,

Made man a perfect whole,And made the body's health

Depend upon  the soul.    http://bakerbooks.com

,

 

Mind can play tricks

Well, just sitiing here thinking that can be a mistake at times. I have alot of great books to read and have went thur most of them. I tried to call my son and husband back but there is no answer. Boy can the mind go travling, thinking they are somewhere else that they don't want me at. Thats how your mind can play tricks. I talked to my son earlier his dad was still working (he does long hours and works non-stop at his job). All I wanted to do is just go down and make him dinner, hug him, talk to him, etc. I really miss all the one on one things that a mom does. I wasn't good all the time but most of the time. Having a sober mind does mean you have a clear mind. Now you remember things you took for granted, and boy does it hurt. You find that the things you took for granted where the most important things in your life. But being a alcoholic you only think of yourself. (self-destruced) but thinking it is just a way of life. ( boy it was a wrong way of life) tomarro is 30 days TOTALLY sober for me and I will celebrate it by myself when I wake up and thank God for another day. Please Bless My Family and all the people that are still suffering out there hopefully they will find a way before it is too LATE. But then IS IT REALLY NEVER TOO  LATE ?  Gail

The heavy Phone

Well, today was one of those rainey days, that you just want to stay in bed. I've been down alot today but I finally picked up the phone and called a AA friend of mine, and she told me " Gail the great thing about life is that we can start our day over again". I put my belief in a power greater then myself, My Higher Power (God) as you choose to see it.Early soberity is very up and down. Physically and Mentally you heal, Emotionally it's a DAY to DAY personal program. The hardest thing as a acholic is thinking about yourself and doing for yourself in a healthy way. Your whole way of life changes , from top to bottom, It is so hard to explain the feelings you feel sometimes. Being Drunk you feel , but don't understand. That sounds weird but I know some of you will understand that. I wish I would have worked the program years ago. But then you know wishing is only for people who have unforfilled dreams, that are to weak to make them realitiy. Realitiy is a scarey word for someone who was in the dark fpr years not by choice but by sickness. One of the hardest things to do , is do it for yourself. ( To put the feeling of some people you love second) that sounds cruel but it does make sense when you think about it at times. I know my life is going to get better, it is going to take time. Another thing drunks don't have patiences, (everything must be now) that is what we are used to. (doing what we what when we want it no madder who we steppped on in our way) You learn that isn't the right way of life. Alcohol is Cunning, Powerful, and disructive. I have to go to a meeting will write more later. G/B  Gail

One of those nights:

Tonite is one of those nights. I go to AA meetings alot, and I really Love the people there. They for full of Love and we all understand each other. I have been seperated for some time now with the hopes of someday getting my marriage back together. I have tried so hard, I really miss my husband and the Family Life. I have a problem with acholic but noticed the problem after all these years and came to terms with it. I loke being sober now. Even thou it does suck sometimes in that crazy sort of way. ( but I wouldn't trade it for anything) I came to believe in a power greater then myself and that is a long bridge to cross. I'am so loney. I'am only 41 this is the time we planned for. The kids  are older and we where suppost to have this time for us. After all the hard work of being active parents. I really want to share my life, I hate being alone. I know I sound so negitive at times, but I guess thats just the poor me symdrom. I just pray and take it DAY TO DAY everyone tells me it gets better in TIME. That is the key word Time... Well until tomarro God Bless sweet dreams and goodnight. Gail