The changing tides of winter...

I'm not a winter person this time of year I would work, and do all activities inside. I would drink, cook, entertain etc.. The drink was always there, it made me believe that I could do everything I do BETTER. But in truth it just slowed things to a drunken halt. I always started out with good intentions but i would then start running to the store for more alcohol and then make up stories to run to the bar the store the bar the store and then just the bar. The insane behavior that went on the life style of a bar with the people, pool tables, music attention that all seemed so right for me that was my life my best friends. I have to admit that sometimes I feel lonely without all the craziness that went on because the adnormal had become so normal for me. I have to sit back at those times now and think what is going on in my life that makes thats craziness look so appealing. Then I have to REMEMBER where that craziness lead me. I have allot of things in my life that takes up space in my head. My other half, My son, Money, stability, The promises of the program are true but sometimes the fears of insecurity still take up allot of my emotional soberity. I have to remember I don't have it as bad as some but I do have it different then the past. I have to remember that I will have a house of my own again someday as long as I believe in myself and trust God will do for me what I need. This time of year is always hard for me. Even thou I have 5 years plus in the program I'm still a human being with a past and issues, They don't go away over night. Hopefully my son is going into a rehab... Monday or Tuesday I really need to break from that worry. All the things in my head worry, resentments,hurt and fears are going to bring me down but I see them and work on them. They say To face fear you have to walk thur it and always remember I'm one drink away from being that person I was Five years ago. Fear for me stops my growth and I always need to maintain healthy growth, to learn. I need to learn how to understand life on a daily basic and remember I'm here as a tool to help whom ever wants it.
Well till next time.. The south jersey shore girl..... gail

Remember When!!!!

Remember when life was so easy. All you had to do is clean your room come home at a certain time and listen to your parents? It seems like so many life times ago. Life has changed so much in the years. I remember when I had my first child and I was scared I would look at her and just think how she came out of me. Was I worthy of that? I always had the doubts of what I deserved. I remember feeling love for someone real love for the first time I didn't even realize it until alcohol took that all away. so many times I should have been dead either under the influence or just in crazy places. Traveling across country when I was young with no direction of where I was going. Now I'm older and forget about those times sometimes but I have to remember because those experiences had me what I am today. This time of year still is hard at times remembering the things I did with the kids and my ex-husband around the holidays, stringing pop corn and eating most of it, the thousands of lights we put up until the breaker blew, and always ending up drinking and passing out after the kids went to bed. I wonder what it would have been like sober? i never got that chance. But what I do have now is Three wonderful kids that love there mother and know today I will be there in a moments notice thats something they couldn't count on in the past. I would always be there for them but in my own alcoholic time. I know staying sober has been the best amends's I could have ever made to my Family and children but most important to God and myself. I think for me remembering is good as long as I don't rest on it and like it take up to much space in my head. I'm forever grateful for the gift God has gave me.
Till next time ( Remember ) Love the jersey shore girl.... Gail :}

Being Thankful

I have to remember that even thou some crazy stuff has passed in the pass months I have to be Thankful that I'm able to live the way I do. I just came off a three week work binge and I helped my daughter move into there new home. It is beautiful.. I'm so happy for them and at the same time I'm missing the house I use to have. Back then it was a family project to decorate the house. The lights grew every year we could be seem at the moon hahahaa. My ex-husband would make something crazy and new and we bought more extention cords as the years went on. On Christams Eve everyone came for dinner all family and friends ( open house) I loved to cook for days and entertain. But drinking was always a part of that. I don't miss the embarassing times with the drinking or the horrible feeling the day after wondering what time did everyone leave did I pass out at the table? did I fight with my husband. I hate to think of all I did. and how I would do it now. I really ache for my own house again big enough to have family and friends come over. This year my son has to spend some time in jail for the stuff he did in soberity, just doing the same stuff expecting different results I have such a hurt in my heart for this kid. He really is a good soul thats lost. I told him I don't care how long he is away I will keep the tree up until he comes home to have Christmas. I have so much to be grateful for but I feel so lonely and empty sometimes. I live at the shore and love it, this is the time of the year when everyone is gone and some come to visit at holidays. This is a place filled with big beautiful homes that are empty. ( what a shame). I am grateful no madder how I feel to be sober. I still have issues with iosolation when I get like this. I know today i will go to a couple of meetings and spend time with family. I'm trying so hard to move forward with a healthy way of living with my other half and sometimes it is so confusing and I lack tolerence. My prayer for today is :
God,
Thank you for the gifts you give me everyday without a drink or drug.
Thank you for the beach to walk on and the roof over my head instead of a cold grave.
Thank you for the gift of children where some people don't have them and never will.
Thank you for the gift of being just who I am and not anyone else.
Please guide me to be the best person I can be just to today.
Please let me love better then to be loved.
Please let me see thur your eyes and follow your footsteps.
Please help me to just stay in today and move on to tomarrow when I day comes.
Thank you God.
Well until later Happy Thanks giving.
Love the jersey shore girl
Gail

anxiety

My life like everyones has allot of twists and turns. I've been working allot and when I don't go to meetings in a few days I feel like I forgot to take my medicine. Anxiety can become a very big part of me at times. I have learned that lack of Humility can lead me to anxiety. When I try to do my will instead of leaving it in the hands of a person or persons that are more qualified I take on the stress. It was explained to me "Perhaps you where on a plane and very nervous and anxious to start, the pilot comes on the speaker and says" Welcome aboard sit back relax and enjoy the flight. Thats when Humility sets in should I be riddled with stressed out thoughts or should I just let go and let the person more qualified just fly the plane. Being humble letting go of what I cannot control. When i try to do everything myself I get stressed out instead I have to humble myself and let go and let God. I've been Thur some crazy stuff lately and I would be lying to say resentment hasn't set in at times. When this happens I have to pray Thur it and talk Thur it or my head will just go on it's own path. Lack of Humanity is my gateway to anxiety. This lesson took me five years to see and it's going to take practice to practice it. Thank God I have a program that doesn't require perfection.
Well until next time God bless & "Keep your head up and face the world head on"
Love and prayers, Gail ( The shore jersey shore girl"

Thee Obsession

I was thinking today about when I hit my final bottom with my drinking. i meant up with a friend of mine for 30 years this is the first time she ever saw me sober and her husband has been sober for some 24 hours now. He ask me " Was the obsession to drink lifted from you right away when you really where ready for it?" I've been thinking of that. you know when I finally had enough of the abnormal being so normal for me and watching my daily life just become what it was, when I truly surrendered to drinking it was lifted. What wasn't lifted right away was living in my own skin and wanting a better life JUST FOR ME,,, not for the husband,kids,etc.. because at first i thought being sober would have brought those things back but it bought back just want I was suppose to get and what a life. I still struggle with everyday living things but I now know that is just life.

Till Later Love gail ( the jersey shore girl}..

Pink Cloud Maybe???????

Well I've been handling everything pretty good, I have my moments. The Pink cloud stage where everything is just right with God and then the times WHY did all this happen. God seems to be keeping it green for me and showing me that it is time to work and be in the program instead of just being around the program. I can do all the service I want and talk, share,etc.. But if I don't see and understand the steps that are given freely to me all that service is what it is just duties. It took me five years to understand what most of these steps are showing me. A new way of life and I've been tested and you know it works with me doing the action to make it work.
I don't know what is ahead but then thats not my job I'm finally learning what it takes to take it day to day. I wake up and thank God for another day today and just ask for the willingness to see what he is trying so hard to show me. For today I'm just following his will.. Whats going to happen is going to happen, I have to look out for me.. God first, Me second, other people Third... without that I'm no good to no one..

Till next time peace and love... Gail (the south jersey girl).

His time not mine

I've been going thur some stuff, and I've noticed that it is really rewarding to love instead of being loved, To forgive then to be forgiving, and to love without understanding everything. I know that God has a plan and in his time will ONLY that plan be revealed. It might not get what I want or hope for. Or it could be the happiest thing I could ever imagine. It took me Five years to understand Love, forgiveness, and to have strength beyond my wildest dreams to deal with heart jerking situations and I still struggle when I get into my own head. God Grant Me The Serenity just for today to be willing to walk with my head up high and to accept the things and people that I cannot change, The courage to live in me skin and be able to tolerate it, and the wisdom I get from a power greater then myself, The room that are filled with people just like me and to borrow the energy of others and to give it away when needed. I know what heart break is I lost everything and slowly I gained back what God wanted me to have. I've been in a relationship with a man I love dearly for over four years and he is suffering from a manic disorder and it got out of control he lived a duel life for 7 weeks, (with someone else) he's 11 years sober and now begging for help. Thur this God has taught me the lesson on loving instead of being loved, and forgiveness... YES this hurts and my sick drinking head wants to go rip everyone a new ass, but I cannot act like that today. I feel for the other person today and him and myself. But as a friend,lover,partner and a member of AA I reach out and help the people today that ask for help regardless on how I feel because we are all children of God and no one is perfect but him. I was so surprised at myself I cried with my sponsor and got myself together. I didn't get sober to hate,resent,or feel sorry for myself. I know in my heart whatever is meant to be will be but not in my time. We all do stupid stuff and it is true the Pain is REALLY a touch tone to growth. The true miracle today is that I didn't even think of drinking,drugging, or killing myself. What a gift God and this program has given me and I will forever be grateful.
Till later God Bless and take the days as they come...
Love Gail ( South Jersey Shore Girl )

God doing for me what I cannot do for myself

Thank God i have a program and a great support system. I've been going thur some great emotional family stuff.Thanks to the program and God I'm pretty sure that it is keeping me sane. The love of my life is a duel personality and my son is the same it all came to a head this week and I didn't think od drinking or using. I'm holding it together that is a mircle.. I have a trust in myself these days that I've never had before it is amazing. I will write more later..

with Love & Prayer,,, The jersey shore girl Gail

Missing my aol friends...

How do they find you when you move your journal??? Isn't there a notification tool to send alert of journal moved to blogger??

Self Worth

Self worth is something I have to review in my self. I sometimes have a way of being unworthy, The take care of everything nature sets in and sometimes I forget about myself and then I feel less then when in truth I'm not.Getting Thur the trials of getting sober mentally,physical & spiritually isn't always easy. Physically I cleaned up well but the guilt and losing everything took time. Still to this day I feel a piece missing. I was always a one person person and in my recent relationship to have four years go by and it is now on a break because I can't commit to get married I was always faithful, and I couldn't just toss my son which is 21 and in recovery three months to find out into the street. I always thought loving someone was loving everything about them or at least excepting it. i'm just feeling alittle lost right now but I do know that I'm worth everything God has put in my path, I just don't act on it all the time ( I have to work on that). My recovery is always going to be work and action. I don't ever want to forget wgere I came from and what I lost to get to the point I'm at now. I'm grateful to have people love and trust me today. I can go and have fun sober and remember the next day and not be embarrassed to answer my phone to here I did something awful. I have my down moment but I have to remember I'm right where I should be, I'm heart broken but this to shall pass I know God has a plan for me ,, and you never know giving Time,,, Time it might all work out wonderful.. No one knows but the Big guy.. Well until the nest time With Love The jersey shore girl: Gail

Being Me

Being me sometimes isn't easy. I have a alcoholic mind that has cleared up a little in five years but also wants to be just right. I know I will never be perfect and never would want to be, but I have to let go of tiresome dreams and just be me. I'm a honest good woman that deserves much better then just existing.  I had a relationship that I sunk everything into in the past four years just to be alone and let down. I thought I would never love again after my ex husband but I did. ( Here we go again). But this time I have a program of AA behind me and allot of great people. It is still hard at times, when Rob calls I just don't know what to say. He is following his work dream and working on him. I'm trying to do the same but maybe men just show there feeling in a different way then women, I don't know. He just says give time time. I don't want what I had with him I want healthier. My son is still in limbo there is no program to help him in his mental health problems because he is drug free and in recovery what a kick in the ass, they don't want you under the influence but if your sober they don't want you either. It was suggested for him to try Job Core where he can get his GED and further his education because he is so talented when it comes to cars, bikes, engines, and racing which is his dream. But he is looking at 180+ days in jail for driving on the suspension  times  5.
I have a good program of people around me and I try to get involved it is hard sometimes because I can't leave the house for long periods of time without the worry of something happening with my son or house. He is 21 and I would love to have my life back but until he starts getting his I'm on the back burner. I pray to be happy totally with just me one day I'm getting close but it is a long block to cover. I pray to love again someday and have someone whom respects me for me. I'm a very physically worker but I clean up great. I pray for peace, happiness, and the willingness to except whatever comes my way.
Thank you for your responds out there It makes me feel so much better when I know I'm not alone in my feat.
I still don;t know how to transfer my whole jouranl onto another site so I printed it all out so I have it. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
Until next time,, The South Jersey Shore Girl.. Love Gail  xxoo:)

Well 5 years and working on another day!!!!

Well Oct. 1st made 5 years of sobriety for me. This is one anniversary I won't forget. i've been in a relationship for almost 4 years with the man  of my dreams but with time everything changed.  We have made it thur hard times before but  it always comes down to the choice my son or the relationship. Me being beat down by the words from my partner I'm not respectful in  following the rules of the man of the house. My option is wrong and theres are right, I have no voice. I always thought the Man of the house worked came home relaxed and  feed comfort and stability  in the household. I the woman took care of the house, worked, payed bills and keep food and everything running smooth. I don't know if I'm right or wrong? My partner became a raging person, verbal abuse, and very unpredictable. I'm a honest and loyal person and I trust I've lost that in him. I wish I could find it again. ( My sponsor tells me wish doesn't belong in my vocabulary). I'm sad and confused about the future. I live at the shore and work hard to stay here, I'm self employed and have to  keep up on where money is coming from next. I was working toward our future but Rob just upped and moved to PA to follow  his career, he had a great job here.  he is chasing the money and just went. He blamed it on my son which is living with me and is clean and sober for 5 months now. He is looking into a program for mental health and going to consoling a couple times a week until he can go. My mom didn't give up on me and I can't give up on my son. I understand the rules have to be set but walking around my house on egg shells is not a way to live. I'm grieving but in the same sense I welcome not walking on egg shells. I been going to meetings everyday. One amazing thing is Not once did I want to Drink that is a miracle..  I know this too shall pass but getting thur it can be hard and frightening.  I ask for pray please , .
They say when one door shuts another will open with Gods help I do believe in that BUT still very frightened . I pray someday I will look back at this and say WOW I made it thur it. But for now I have to take it One Day At A Time and pray pray pray..
Thank you for letting me vent I miss journaling and I have to start committing myself to it again.
I love yeahs.. God Bless
Till next time South Jersey Shore Area.  Gail

Letting go

Well it has been hard lately to Let go and let happen whats suppose to happen in life. My son is back living with me and has 4 months clean and sober I can't help but be worried all the time. He is working now and is on his way to court this morning to face some of the wreckage of his past but is it the past or is it just going to recurre again?  I stress all the time. I went and signed for a motorcycle for him so he would have transportation back and forth to work I knew in my heart that this was going to become more then this. he is on that bike 24-7. I'm scared. It has been so hard to let go and let God, even to say that is hard these days. I'm tired all the time and feel like I'm going in circles. I'm coming up on 5 years sober and it was much better the first couple of years. I go to meeting all the time but when I come home and here what Rob has to say and then Anthony's stuff it just cancels any peace that I may find. I really don't know what to do. I'm getting to old to have to worry all the time. I work hard and cannot sleep. Please keep Anthony in the prayers to clean up the road that took so much time to mess up. He is 21 and sober I just want to see a normal life for my child.

Wow it's been awhile

Wow its been awhile sense i wrote in this journal. I'm still sober coming up on Five years just got so tied up into life that i forgot where my life started hahaa..  Life is busy and I'm feeling grateful today the things that materialized in these past years are something else.  I'm proud to say that my trouble child Anthony is now clean & sober for 90 days after hitting a horrible almost deadly bottom, and now has his own journey to go on. he looks and seems so different this time, I pray.. I have a friend in the program that i watched come in and grow for two years now and she is just wonderful and to be around long enough now to see someone else blossom is such a miracle.  Summer is here my favorite time of the year and my busiest but i love it.  I stuggle to stay in One day at a time but working on it.  I want to try to get back into my writing I didn't realize that i missed it so much  ( my time for me) and to reach out to people that understand me in whatever spills out.. lol.. i pray everyone is doing good I'm so blessed to be sober.  My daughter was married on may 16th what a gift to be sober to attend that event. I took advice from someone special she told me before you walk into the room and face the ex-hubby and new wife people from my past and the fantasy of the big party just Let God walk in before you he will be your best escort  you know it work.. A drink never came into my mond and the wedding was beautiful even with the little stuff that goes wrong in the course of a event & to add it rained Hard  all day and night but it was ok..  Thank you God for helping me and thank you to my family in the rooms of AA for helping me with my LIFETIME journey..
Until next time Love you all::: Gail {jersey shore girl}...

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Great Picture of Rob

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New Years 2008

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Happy new year... Let this one be the one.. Happy 2008