Winter Cold Hands Warm Hearts

Winter is one of those times when I seem to reflect on alot of things. I've been sharing about my son and some things that are going on in my life. I have a job where I work with alot of really sick people and last night coming home from work I  was looking at the sunset and I'm so grateful that I can go home and I'm sober and That I do have my health, some people don't and some may not even make it till Christmas. I had my daughter and son over for dinner tonite and I was doing that reflecting thing seeing them when they where just wanting the boxs the toys came in and now they are all grown up WOW like it happened over night, Thank you God and AA and all the people that loved me because now I have this new memory of a relationship with my kids and Life. I may have cold hands but my heart is warm and even thou sometimes life gets over bearing it can always get worse if I forget the relationship I had with my family when I was OUT THERE, I would have nothing right now. The love and trust I see in my kids now is the best gift I could ever recieve and something that I wanted for a long time but now I realize it does take time going on three years of time and I thought or wanted this over nite. When they say more will be revealed it is all true. It may not be money and material things but it is a warm and healthy heart and peace and serenity something that I thought I had in a bar stool but all that bar stool was , was warm hands and a cold heart a dead mind and illuisions of serenity... Thank you God for that light that shimes thou the cracks when you put down the fight and surrender and Let Go And Let God,,,   May you all be Blessed with Peace Love and Serenity for today and always.. Till later Luv yeah... Gail   SJ shore

We Is Friends!

Me And You Is Friends ..

You Smile, I Smile ....

You Hurt, I Hurt .

You Cry, I Cry .

You Jump Off A Bridge .



I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails!

feelings of mental betrayel

I'm having such a hard time with getting over all the mental shit, and the mental abusive behavior of others in the past months. I was the fix it all and one day I woke up and had enough of everything, I had enough of my sons stuff ( which I miss him so much ) even thou he was a handful but we always stuck together all we had was each other for so long . I had it with the relationship that I though was from my dreams something that I always wanted it was almost to good and happy the man of my dreams someone that I waited for, for three years to find out he has so much shit coming back at him that I can't handle it and he had this way of making me belive it was all me for so long that I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and then I realized it wasn't me. I'm at a point right now emotionally that I can't reverse my feelings and it hurts. I planned or we planned on sharing a life together and it was perfect so peaceful and happy then it just worn thin on me. I know when I get to this point of no return in my emotions that it is a course of someone getting hurt and usually it is both parties. My son is still out on his own but I did hear from him and he is taking actions to straighten his stuff out which is good, At home well I just sleep here and the rest is empty. My other half lnows he is losing me and he OVER does it to try to put things back into place but I know it is like a game if I give in and work on this relationship the shit will just start again I had a year of watching the pattern. I want to be able to share my life with someone I love and that we can do things with other people my friends always told me that something was wrong with this relationship but I didn't listen, Why should I it's my life. Well maybe I should have taken in some of the things others where seeing. I can't even pray right now, I pray to God to help me pray. I don't want to drink or anything like that but I do want to feel like my happy go lucky self again and I don't know where to start. I'm going to start to write because it helps me get some of this stuff off my chest at the time. If anyone knows what I'm feeling PLEASE share because right now I feel pretty alone. I thought going on three years sober my relationships with someone special would get better . I practice Honesty, Trust, Faithfulness and where did it get me ( But I'm holding on to those for myself) ... I do the right thing today, but sometimes I need help from others  and I guess thats what I'm asking for unparical help... Love yeah all Till Later Gail

resentments or resense

Well my moods have been crazy lately, I just don't have time for bullshit. I feel that enough mental abuse went on in the past year and I allowed it, now it is my turn to be free from the bullshit.  It took me along time to get into a relationship and boy people change, I'm so tired of forgiven I always forgive and where does it get me. I feel now that if I forgive and let go the other person has won like it is a game and I just can't take it no more. I have always been the type of person to care and help anyone but I'm so tired of people dropping there shit on me and now I have to get back on track and worry about me. I have a son that is breaking my heart but at the same time it is such a relief to not have to live the drama everyday not knowing what is going to transpire for min. to min....  I just want to be alone for awhile and find peace again. I have heard enough shit and been brow beaten for long enough and then led to believe that I was doing something wrong. I wrote down everything that I do and all I am is a HARD worker, Faithful, Honest and don't go anywheres but work and home so what I'am I doing wrong even thou I practice the program of AA I'am going to go to al-non I need to detact with Love not reasentments. Or like I say its not resenting it is resenseing the past and now... i love my children with my life and the heart strings they pull are amazing. I have my divorice coming up in the next couple of weeks and even thou all the crap that transpired between us it still hurts 18 years of my life is coming to a end.. I don't even know how to write my maiden name it has been so long. It feels like a death in the family.. I live with a man that is a great man but in the past months he has emotionally put me thou the wringer, He is also in the program and has a few years on me but we handle ourselves different. I other people he is the greatest but they don't live with him. I thought I loved this man more then anything and now I'm so angry I can put it down, any other time I can forgive and more on and we grew from it , now I just am empty...  I can't even pray or get quiet but I have this day and tonite to be quiet. Thoughts of my Dad has been on my mind lately he will be dead 24 years he was 44 when he died and thinking back he was a drunk too just like me. I just wonder if he ever asked himself if he had a problem with drinking or was it the iron-worker thing to do. I was thinking about a statement that was told to me when I was yound\g my Dad and Uncle Carl would always tell me " Don't ever trust someone that doesn't drink" I wonder why they said that... Well until later
Love and Huggs to all Gail (jersey shore girl)

Blue Skys and Dark thoughts:

Well it took me some time but I cleaned my sons room out I feel like he died , having a child in trouble and seeing the signs of what he is doing is scarey, I've been there and done that. I can't stand when everyone tells you I told you so.. and want to comfort me to tell you the truth I need to deal with this in my own way and time. I have alot of friends in the program that understand that and they do just what they are to do check up and give space..  My head is spinning I have to tell myself that I too am sick and have to take care of me, I fall into the taking and worring about everyone else first for to long. It seems when I started looking and taking care of myself it just caused problems and anger in some. Well thanks to AA I know today when I'm falling apart and when to get off my ass and do something about it. People say I'm to nice and hard at the same time but that is me. I would always give my shirt off my back for anyone. I'm toilinng with Relationship issues and family issues and it is so hard to get lost in all of it. I'm trying to find my way back and sometimes the people you love don't understand what your doing, when I don't know what to do I do nothing but I'm peicing it out and staying sober. Reality really sucks sometimes and living in my own world is old shit so I must get on the ball now...   Till later---  Gail

long days

Well what a weekend so far. My son got himself in soooo much trouble and is on the run right now, it is so hard as a parent to handle or disconnect yourself from this sort of mess. I can't say the thought of drinking or knocking myself out didn't inter my mind, but when it did it just made my sick to think i would have to start all over again and I probly won't make it back this time. I just wanted to be sedated feel nothing but instead I'm writing and keeping myself busy, It is something how that bond with your child can drive you crazy even when there are no where near you I feel such a pull of energy coming out of me, it is draning. I'm going to a meeting tonite I need to be around people that understand my mind set. The people my son was involved with are not nice people and we are handling the overflow from that. Thank God that I have true friends today and not my drinking friends, I can do thing honestly now and head on even thou it sucks sometimes but I have a life of reality now. Well it's been alittle over two years sober for me and even I can't believe it sometimes but if I wasn't I would have been dead along time ago.. God must have a purpose for me still Well hope everyone out there is happy and safe God Bless, Talk to you guys later ,
Gail (jersey shore area )

Is there light???????????????????

Well God has really been checking his list with me, putting one thing after another on me... I tell you now If this two weeks wasn't enough to make me drink nothing will... I watched my whole life undo itself again in two weeks. My son which is OUT OF CONTROL and I can't help him anymore is on the run  from some pretty bad shit. The man I love moved out because he couldn;t handle anymore of this 18 year old tirrent and I'm sitting here with so many bills that it is overwhelming, but I'm not drinking or useing. My world is just up in pieces right now but you know I found out when the crazy people remove themselves from your life your true friends come back and pick up the pieces. I lost it yesterday it was the closes I've came to comitting myself (in soberity ) I was having a mental breakdown it was bad...   I have two friends that I love dearly and they came and took care or me without question and they protected me in every way that is friendship something I didn';t have before... Relationships are hard when you are starting over at 43 and sometimes being by yourself feels pretty good. I'm on my way of fixing Gail and not everyone else I just can't and was crazy to think I could,,, The care taker we all have that in us the last one we seem to take care of is ourselves well I learned the hard way and now have to move on.  It is not easy and it hurts but I now know I can do it sober and if I drank it would only get worse.. Unconditional love has it price and sometimes it is sanity....  I'm trying to stay in the day, I missed trwo days of work but tommarro is another day and I'm getting well needed sleep and starting all over again,, I came to far to quit now. Soberity makes you stronger but I had to feel weak for a couple of days and let other people help me, because I'm real bad on asking for help but thank God they did.. So today I'm tired, hurt, but also ready to give my life a fight and in half... Well untill later remember those who are to Well to tell aren't WELL..  TTUL Gail

honesty

Honesty is one thing that just blows my mind at times. When I got sober the first two things besides getting drunk that I was rid of was my trash mouth and the lies. I guess I try to beleive evryone or just give them a benfit of a dout. Without trying to brag, I have one of the nicest honest daughters a Mom could ever want, and right now she is dealing with lies from the past but not from me from other family members that she really put her heart and soul into. The hard thing for me is to remember i can't fix everything and that I'm powerless over all sititions but my first instinct is to go and kill the people that are causeing her grief. ( But I won't ). Thinking on the other hand two years ago I would have hurt someone and then though about it. I was surprised to find out how many people feared me.
I'm a kind and gentle person but with additives all bets are off. I wish I could make everything all better for everyone but I was told WISH doesn't belong in my vocabulary. Wish and is non action word and today I'm all about a way of life that moves forward not backward. I have to go to court next Thursday for my Divorice and you know I'm going ALONE because today I can walk with my head up high and without shame or regret. I'm not fooling myself I know it won't be easy but I have overcome harder things hahaha. I look in my journal and everything that I begged for in the past is now having a final close in my life and I'm OK boy what a difference. I see now more then ever how my disease has affected so many people around me when I was active. I thank God everyday for my NEW life a second chance. I work in a ICU unit and I see so much now on how booze and drugs can rip a body apart piece by piece I always say a silent pray for the person. Today I'm graitful and honest maybe someday my spelling will get better lol Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Luv you all Gail

Thoughts

Well the end of the summer in coming to a slow for me: now it is time to just walk and sit on the beach at PEACE, I love to go to the beach I use this therapy when I hear a wave come in I attach something that is nagging me and I let the wave take it out, What a great way to get rid of stuff. When i first got sober sitting at the beach for hours and talking to God (begging) more like it really did alot for me, nut now I don't begg no more just talk and ask. I don't wish I do. I don't walk with my head down it is up. I still have lots of days where I just want to crawl into a cave and hide but someone always finds me, hahaha. I'm still finding ways to get peace at times. I guess I'm right where I'm suppost to be, but boy I'm so impatient but thats just my hyper makeup. I spent the other day on the water most of the day boy it was great just listening to the sound of nothing,,   wind, birds,waves what a great peace of mind then I had to land back on shore people, traffic, busyness lol... life what a peace of work. The thought of winter coming is so depressing but with the tanning salon summer going to be all year long for me haha,,,   Everything seems to have it stages like life one life two and etc....   what a ride.  I always said let the best day of my old life be the worst one in my new. I have started a new life 43 years old and new, Thank god....  everyday...   I watch my daughter 21 years old and she really has her shit together, I've learned so much from her and she doesn'y even know it, what a ride. When I was 21 I was already drinking and partying for 7 years I was far from having it together, I'm so proud of her. I'm coming up on Two years sober Oct. 1 it is hard to believe, I have to get my butt out and make more meetings. I used to go to a meeting sometimes two, three a day now its all work .. But if I don't go to the meetings I get nasty, angery, and lost in my head sometimes and forget how good I feel when I do go. So meetings are on my asap list.  Life is so tiring at times I don't know how I did it when all three of my kids where still living home when they where babies God had to be working real hard in my life then and now because I cannot imagine having little ones running around now.  My addiction sucked the life out of me and God is giving it back peice by piece just now if he could give me spell check for my journal hahaha,,,,    Everything is happening for a reason and I have to remind myself that. God only gives me what I can handle ( he must thing I'm super women sometimes) I handle, juggel, and keep trucking on. Being sober today and working with others and having a GREAT GOD in my life I can move mountains today: Just today
(ONE DAY AT A TIME ) so advice to all keep moving and walk proud because you are someone and someone out there wants what you have. They just have to put the hand out and we will reach out and Love them until they can LOVE themselves! 
Well until next time God bless and keep it simple.
LOVE YEAH ALL Gail

I'm Back need to start writing Part Two

Well it's been awhile sense I have written, I really need to get back into it.
I'll be coming up on Two years sober soon Oct. 1st what a road to travel.
Newly paved but bumpy at times.
Alot has changed in my life sense i started this, I feel like I've had so may life times. I work in a ICU unit at a hospital and the job is really rewarding being able to help people but at 43 I still don't know exactly what I want.
I'm living with someone now and it has its moments  just dealing with another person at times but I love him he is a great man. My son has come Far in the past 4 months or so he really had to test the waters and I had to stick to TOUGH LOVE which is heart beating when you love someone that much. My children I love more then life I look at them and think they grew in me and they are a part of my being, but all three being sooooooooo different. My husband Well I'm still in a middle of a divorice its like I married a stranger.I still go to meeting but have to step it up some, I'm slowing down for the summer when it comes to work and I get VERY nervous worried and stressed about money but I have to remember the God will provided in those times of need not want. The lessoms that I'm learning about life keep flooding in still everyday but I started froma DEAD shell of a person, Homeless, Penniless, and very sick ( dealth knocked on my door but Faith was there) Thank God I thank he every moment of the day. The first year of soberity was such a different type of pain and mentally tiring, the second year is like a bad dream some times just days floating into eachother. I explain my feeeling at times and people look at me like I'm a nut but ALOT of people know just what I'm talking about.People tell me I'm beautiful all the time but I still see that plane simply sick person in the mirrow most of the time, I'm just tired need a break and some new conversation. I work so hard but just manage to keep my head above water, I have to stop letting the material type people get under my skin. My kids are getting older and that is a depression all in itself but reality sometimes thats the hardest to face (reality). Still to this day I don't know what day or year I walked out on my family but I know today I have the love from my Daughter which is God sent in my eyes and my Sons. I don't see my youngest son that much anymore but the material world has tempority ate him up, ( I miss him) my baby . I have so much in my head latley most of it is unexplainable at this point to even put down on paper still working though it. Well I work grave shift and have to get ready until next time, May the best day of your PAST be the worst day of your FUTURE..
Signed Gail ( From the Jersey Shore )