life after surrender

You come to a point, when things start making sense instead of just being scrambled in your head. You start thinking a little clearer.When I got to the point of surrender to alcohol and it's torturing affect on the people that had to live with it and loved me, there is a clear window. Almost like clouds lifting with a ray of shine coming threw. To ignore problems and pretend they aren't happening was a great plus to living the life of a Alcoholic, I would just tell everyone I'am sorry and just tell myself it wasn't that bad when in reality it was tranquilising. To think God had abandoned me to find out I was the one who abandoned everyone, but my disease. It takes alot of steps to even get to the first step of recovery, to realize you now are going to HAVE to live a totally different way of life. A meaningfull and productive life. I'am not saying I didn't mean things that I did say in my addiction. I did Love My Husband and Children with all my heart but I just heart people around me because as I know now I was stuck in Hell. When I came to believe that God never left me I left him was heart breaking. But God and my Family has always been there for me and now the picture is getting clearer. I always said when I was younger That if you truely Love something set it free if it comes back to you it was yours all along if not, it was just a lesson learned. When you have feelings that you haven't felt in so long it takes time to take control of them, at first they all race out like do everything at once, but that just confusses people and scares them away. Everything takes time, and time I have,  To use it wisely and in a good way. I love my Children they are a blessing from God, And so was my Husband, God has a plan the master plan I'am just here for the ride, ( The ride of a life time )  Till next time God Bless and Love to all Gail

Detachment

Well, it has been awhile sense i wrote in this journal, alot has happened. I celebrated 4 months yesterday, and have seemed to shift my thoughts for once to myself. The one thing that has been going threw my mind lately is that I can no longer look back sense thats not the way I want to go. I have to face forward and take lifes problems head on. As a fast moving and confusing drunk that I was ( and still can be with that first drink) now I have to take a new direction. I have to be grateful for the things that I have going for me and stop trying to get back what I lost, maybe they where never mine to have. I have learned more about myself in these 4 months then I have learned in the past 41 years. I am a proud person and have self worth. I tend to keep going to that brick wall with all the same questions just to here the same answers praying that someday the people I loved the most in my life will just change face, but my head gets beat up against the wall over and over. So I have to change direction now and walk the other way with new hurtles to jump. One day at a time. I drank out of anxiety, and was arragent against reality. Time to wake up and put my mind to use. I love and miss my children but they are all getting older now and are really busy, I do feel cheated on motherhood, with no one to blame but myself but i'am working on a life time plan. God has a plan for me. Every alcoholics death has been interrupted because by rights we should have died a long time ago, but no we are special people of god! And are put here for a reason, or even maybe the sole purpose to help the new comer. I have lost alot but also gain back my life and respect to come.

                               This we owe to AA's Future:

To place our common welfare first; to keep our fellowship united, For on AA Unity depends our lives, and the lives of

those to come............................  Thank you, Love and God Bless, Gail  (responds welcome)

 

Winds of Change:

Well, I'am coming up on 90 days sober. I never thought this time last year I would be able to do it. But I guess this time I really wanted it. The holidays are right around the corner, I guess I always prayed to be sober with my family. ( Husband and children) I still never gave up the hope and prayers everyday that it will work out someday. Tonight was one of those nights I went to the meeting and all I could think of was holding my husband while he was sleeping or just being close to him again. I really try to keep busy and move on, but my love lies in certain areas. I really wish that I could share my sober life with my husband. The kids will grow up and move on but I really messed up my life when I stopped thinking and kept drinking. I was like a twister in peoples lives, destroyer mode. I pray to God everyday for forgiveness. I'am kinda stuck sometimes I don't know what to pray for or do, so I pray for other people. Christmas is a time for thanking and giving. I would love to give my Love 110% but it's not wanted. I did learn alot from being sober and one thing I remember everyday is that You don't know what tomarro will bring. I would love just to go far away and start a whole new life. A sober beginning. I just have to keep prayers close to heart and always look out for the new comer that needs help. I really miss my husband and the family we had even thou it had it problems there was love under it all. Maybe someday I will deserve the chance to be happy and Loved that way again, ( unconditional) I pray for my son anthony he misses his only dad he really had, and now has to live somewheres that he hates. I miss my younger son with his smiles and dry jokes he looks like a angle when he sleeps, and I miss the warm heart and hands of the man I love, and my daughters funny faces that she makes. These are all parts of me that have been deleted by the partying and misuse of my life. These are parts of me that are empty that I pray for God to fill. I'll keep the faith . Thats something I would never lose. Till Later Gail

Moods

Mood's, boy they can come and go. I'am still early in soberity and Thank God everyday for a new day. But one thing I have learned from someone that is very wise, is that I can start my day over anytime. Night Day Afternoon, it doesn't matter. As a women I think we are moody anyway,lol.... But so is everyone. That is what makes our world so different and exciting. For the new comer just hang in there. Remember (they told me) The first three steps are sit down, shut up, and listen.  There is alot of wise people out there and people that really do care. AA people are special they are mostly very REAL people. Just go to FACE TO FACE meetings and your life will change, but moods are all part of it. Till Later Good day everyone, God Bless the still suffering acholics, and your all in my prayers. Love Gail

shortcomings

Well, it is another day of cold weather and wind. Can't wait for summer to get back around. I really miss sitting on the beach and reading. Well I have another day to be gratful for, I have my health, kids, and a piece of mind these days. Still missing home at times, but I guess this is what everyone needed is time. God will show me the right way. My husband and children are always in my prayers but now I also include myself ( not asking but thanking) . The hoildays are coming up and I'am just going to keep busy. Helping other people the way they all helped me. I have to put my feelings aside sometimes and just thank God for being alive and having this little bit of peace in my life now. I wake up every morning at 6am go outside and look up and thank God for anpther day, I try to go thur the day just doing the right thing. One thing to try is ( do something nice for three people in one day and don't tell anyone about it) not as easy as it might sound, but great for the mind. Well i'll right more later, if you happen to read some of my journals please leave a comment, I would love to here from you. God Bless and Love All. Gail  3/3

Understanding

Well it was a great day, finally I have found someone that understands me and knows where I'am coming from. I went to four meetings today man it was fun. The people that I'am with are so special and all have been where I'am at one time in there life. I still pray that someday my husband will understand this disease some, he really is missing out on the best of me. I'am at my best , the best I've been for a long time and only going to get better and stronger. I love life now and see it with both eyes open, head on. My eyes where blinded for so many years from drugs and a booze, that it was unfair to the people that loved me because even thou I loved them I was uncapable of showing it. Now my feeling and thoughts are healing, God is showing me a new blessing everyday. Someday I pray, my husband can understand and come to realize that this is a way of life for me now. I love him and really would like for him to be a part of my recovery but something I just had to do myself. This is a self help program and always have your hands out to help the next person like they did for me. My body and Mind is healing slowly, but strongly. In a way I thank God for the day I hit Rock Bottom, because if I never hit that low I  would be dead, my body was shutting down and my mind was tired without a fight no more. It has only been 42 days, and boy what a difference. It's almost like having those 5 senses back again. It is good to feel, Love share and have peace knowing that God is handleing my life now the way he chooses. Now if only he can give me good spelling. hahahaha, Well till later God Bless thank you another day. Keep my Children and Husband safe, and bless our families. Thank you Tom/Renee'   Love Gail

PAST

Well I just found a journal from 2002, boy maybe I shouldn't have read it. I was so messed up and really on the verge of who knows what. Even thou all the mess I still loved my husband, I really do miss my family and my Husband, I really never knew how much because I was all screwed up. I'am sober now 42 days, doesn't sound like alot but it is a great start, I still pray for God to direct me the right way. When I was a kid I always used to say If you love something set it free if it comes back it is yours, if not it never was. Well It is one of the hardest things to do, but with a clear mind now I have to handle the pain and heart ache head first. I do believe that God will do the right thing for all. I have to go to a meeting now I will write more later. Gail