Pink Cloud Maybe???????

Well I've been handling everything pretty good, I have my moments. The Pink cloud stage where everything is just right with God and then the times WHY did all this happen. God seems to be keeping it green for me and showing me that it is time to work and be in the program instead of just being around the program. I can do all the service I want and talk, share,etc.. But if I don't see and understand the steps that are given freely to me all that service is what it is just duties. It took me five years to understand what most of these steps are showing me. A new way of life and I've been tested and you know it works with me doing the action to make it work.
I don't know what is ahead but then thats not my job I'm finally learning what it takes to take it day to day. I wake up and thank God for another day today and just ask for the willingness to see what he is trying so hard to show me. For today I'm just following his will.. Whats going to happen is going to happen, I have to look out for me.. God first, Me second, other people Third... without that I'm no good to no one..

Till next time peace and love... Gail (the south jersey girl).

His time not mine

I've been going thur some stuff, and I've noticed that it is really rewarding to love instead of being loved, To forgive then to be forgiving, and to love without understanding everything. I know that God has a plan and in his time will ONLY that plan be revealed. It might not get what I want or hope for. Or it could be the happiest thing I could ever imagine. It took me Five years to understand Love, forgiveness, and to have strength beyond my wildest dreams to deal with heart jerking situations and I still struggle when I get into my own head. God Grant Me The Serenity just for today to be willing to walk with my head up high and to accept the things and people that I cannot change, The courage to live in me skin and be able to tolerate it, and the wisdom I get from a power greater then myself, The room that are filled with people just like me and to borrow the energy of others and to give it away when needed. I know what heart break is I lost everything and slowly I gained back what God wanted me to have. I've been in a relationship with a man I love dearly for over four years and he is suffering from a manic disorder and it got out of control he lived a duel life for 7 weeks, (with someone else) he's 11 years sober and now begging for help. Thur this God has taught me the lesson on loving instead of being loved, and forgiveness... YES this hurts and my sick drinking head wants to go rip everyone a new ass, but I cannot act like that today. I feel for the other person today and him and myself. But as a friend,lover,partner and a member of AA I reach out and help the people today that ask for help regardless on how I feel because we are all children of God and no one is perfect but him. I was so surprised at myself I cried with my sponsor and got myself together. I didn't get sober to hate,resent,or feel sorry for myself. I know in my heart whatever is meant to be will be but not in my time. We all do stupid stuff and it is true the Pain is REALLY a touch tone to growth. The true miracle today is that I didn't even think of drinking,drugging, or killing myself. What a gift God and this program has given me and I will forever be grateful.
Till later God Bless and take the days as they come...
Love Gail ( South Jersey Shore Girl )

God doing for me what I cannot do for myself

Thank God i have a program and a great support system. I've been going thur some great emotional family stuff.Thanks to the program and God I'm pretty sure that it is keeping me sane. The love of my life is a duel personality and my son is the same it all came to a head this week and I didn't think od drinking or using. I'm holding it together that is a mircle.. I have a trust in myself these days that I've never had before it is amazing. I will write more later..

with Love & Prayer,,, The jersey shore girl Gail

Missing my aol friends...

How do they find you when you move your journal??? Isn't there a notification tool to send alert of journal moved to blogger??

Self Worth

Self worth is something I have to review in my self. I sometimes have a way of being unworthy, The take care of everything nature sets in and sometimes I forget about myself and then I feel less then when in truth I'm not.Getting Thur the trials of getting sober mentally,physical & spiritually isn't always easy. Physically I cleaned up well but the guilt and losing everything took time. Still to this day I feel a piece missing. I was always a one person person and in my recent relationship to have four years go by and it is now on a break because I can't commit to get married I was always faithful, and I couldn't just toss my son which is 21 and in recovery three months to find out into the street. I always thought loving someone was loving everything about them or at least excepting it. i'm just feeling alittle lost right now but I do know that I'm worth everything God has put in my path, I just don't act on it all the time ( I have to work on that). My recovery is always going to be work and action. I don't ever want to forget wgere I came from and what I lost to get to the point I'm at now. I'm grateful to have people love and trust me today. I can go and have fun sober and remember the next day and not be embarrassed to answer my phone to here I did something awful. I have my down moment but I have to remember I'm right where I should be, I'm heart broken but this to shall pass I know God has a plan for me ,, and you never know giving Time,,, Time it might all work out wonderful.. No one knows but the Big guy.. Well until the nest time With Love The jersey shore girl: Gail

Being Me

Being me sometimes isn't easy. I have a alcoholic mind that has cleared up a little in five years but also wants to be just right. I know I will never be perfect and never would want to be, but I have to let go of tiresome dreams and just be me. I'm a honest good woman that deserves much better then just existing.  I had a relationship that I sunk everything into in the past four years just to be alone and let down. I thought I would never love again after my ex husband but I did. ( Here we go again). But this time I have a program of AA behind me and allot of great people. It is still hard at times, when Rob calls I just don't know what to say. He is following his work dream and working on him. I'm trying to do the same but maybe men just show there feeling in a different way then women, I don't know. He just says give time time. I don't want what I had with him I want healthier. My son is still in limbo there is no program to help him in his mental health problems because he is drug free and in recovery what a kick in the ass, they don't want you under the influence but if your sober they don't want you either. It was suggested for him to try Job Core where he can get his GED and further his education because he is so talented when it comes to cars, bikes, engines, and racing which is his dream. But he is looking at 180+ days in jail for driving on the suspension  times  5.
I have a good program of people around me and I try to get involved it is hard sometimes because I can't leave the house for long periods of time without the worry of something happening with my son or house. He is 21 and I would love to have my life back but until he starts getting his I'm on the back burner. I pray to be happy totally with just me one day I'm getting close but it is a long block to cover. I pray to love again someday and have someone whom respects me for me. I'm a very physically worker but I clean up great. I pray for peace, happiness, and the willingness to except whatever comes my way.
Thank you for your responds out there It makes me feel so much better when I know I'm not alone in my feat.
I still don;t know how to transfer my whole jouranl onto another site so I printed it all out so I have it. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
Until next time,, The South Jersey Shore Girl.. Love Gail  xxoo:)

Well 5 years and working on another day!!!!

Well Oct. 1st made 5 years of sobriety for me. This is one anniversary I won't forget. i've been in a relationship for almost 4 years with the man  of my dreams but with time everything changed.  We have made it thur hard times before but  it always comes down to the choice my son or the relationship. Me being beat down by the words from my partner I'm not respectful in  following the rules of the man of the house. My option is wrong and theres are right, I have no voice. I always thought the Man of the house worked came home relaxed and  feed comfort and stability  in the household. I the woman took care of the house, worked, payed bills and keep food and everything running smooth. I don't know if I'm right or wrong? My partner became a raging person, verbal abuse, and very unpredictable. I'm a honest and loyal person and I trust I've lost that in him. I wish I could find it again. ( My sponsor tells me wish doesn't belong in my vocabulary). I'm sad and confused about the future. I live at the shore and work hard to stay here, I'm self employed and have to  keep up on where money is coming from next. I was working toward our future but Rob just upped and moved to PA to follow  his career, he had a great job here.  he is chasing the money and just went. He blamed it on my son which is living with me and is clean and sober for 5 months now. He is looking into a program for mental health and going to consoling a couple times a week until he can go. My mom didn't give up on me and I can't give up on my son. I understand the rules have to be set but walking around my house on egg shells is not a way to live. I'm grieving but in the same sense I welcome not walking on egg shells. I been going to meetings everyday. One amazing thing is Not once did I want to Drink that is a miracle..  I know this too shall pass but getting thur it can be hard and frightening.  I ask for pray please , .
They say when one door shuts another will open with Gods help I do believe in that BUT still very frightened . I pray someday I will look back at this and say WOW I made it thur it. But for now I have to take it One Day At A Time and pray pray pray..
Thank you for letting me vent I miss journaling and I have to start committing myself to it again.
I love yeahs.. God Bless
Till next time South Jersey Shore Area.  Gail