I'am Back

Well I'am back. It has been awhile sense I have wrote in my journal. I have been going thur some times and emotionally lost track of everything. But I'am still sober. It will be 7 months on the !st God willing. I had to really get in touch with me. Falling into the trap with a friend that just made it easier and I wasn't working my program to the fullest.  Relationships with another man is going to take some time. I still haven't gotten over my husband and I still love him. To be with someone in soberity it is really scarey. ( like the first time all over again) well I guess it really is. Thank you to all that noticed that I wasnt writting and checked in to see if I was ok. You are ALL always in my prayers. I just wanted to write to say hello and i'll be back in full swing of my journal soon. Learning what acceptance is can really be a chore at times, but God and the women in my life are helping sooooooooooo  much now.. Well till later, tomarro a beach day, the shore and the night skies are breath taking now and only to get better and better as summer comes on... Love you all Gail

cont.. Acceptance is more then saying IM

I still have to work and put my moods in check sometimes, when I get into that self pity and obsessive thoughts, I just have to remember what a friend told me remind myself, Where are you? (Here) What time is it? (Now) and you can just start your day all over again at ANY time. Meetings and people are very important, to here people share there life stories with Pain, Happiness, it is a never ending road but it just gets greener and life starts to reform. To see people ( newcomers ) when they first come in, and then after even a couple of weeks starting to want what we have , a second chance on life they get that glow back that look of life. ( and gods will ) it is amazing. I use to beg for a second chance on my marriage, I never knew how important it really was to me because I was blind to all lifes facts, I use to pray ( please god make everything just go back good ) but now I realize He did answer me I have a second chance on LIFE! (SOBER) if anything else comes along it will just be a plus. I have the Love of my children That is god sent, and I do know I'am still loved . It takes time to get to just this point of my life with a WHOLE lot ahead of me, and it feels good. Emotions we all deal with that is life, and they can become unbearable at times but this too shall pass, it's really hard to believe but it does.  I have to accept the things I can't change, because if I don't it could spin me right back to that insane way of living in my case it would be , Not gods will but my Last will and testament I could never live threw my active addiction again, Now that is ACCEPTANCE!!!!!!! God Bless, Love to all, Gail

Acceptance More then just saying IM

Acceptance is more then just saying or omitting you have a problem! When you truely accept the fact that you have a addiction weather Drugs, Eatting, Alcohol, spending whatever it may be that is when the true work comes in. Reality and Life on Lifes terms. Not only with myself but with other people, people we use to call friends. ( Even Family ). People tend to change when you change. One example I went out to dinner with some people that still do drink just a couple at dinner, but when I went with them they weren't sure if they should order a drink or not because I don't drink, I let it go for a couple of mintues and then said go ahead just because you drink doesn't mean I have too. ( They felt weird ) or you get the friends that when they do see you they try to go out of there way to say " Man I feel better, I don't drink like I use to" I drink alot of coffee now. Sometimes it just makes me laugh people change because they can't believe that there ex-partying buddy is sober.  Or they just get very scared almost like they are waiting for you to have your Grand Finialy. My Grand End was when I was at my end or the bottom we call it. Everyones bottom is different! Some worst then others but thats there bottom. In my case it took me losing everything including my mind. And that is a place I don't plan on visiting again or forgetting. God only puts on your plate what you can handle, and sense I was in a addiction and never started to finish most on my plate that's where the work comes in. Most people with a addictive pattern it becomes overwhelming and finally we accept we need help. Some turn to professional help, AA, Church, Etc. in my case all of the above but most important My Higher Power. ( Because I Couldn't do it alone )   cont...........

cont.... From being in your own head.........

The people we hurt are in there own addiction of denial that the person they love the most has changed, has problems, everything will be ok tomarro, but tomarro never comes. ( Until we hit bottom ). Everyones bottom is different a addiction can go on for years, until we kill our souls. The demons that we must live with comes along the path of recovery, and they can be just as painful as the addiction. It wasn't that we didn't love our children or spouse we just fill up with self regret and covered it up with the our drug of choice. The people we affected the most we think will come running back , happy for you and resume life with you again. ( not always ) they are scared, not wanting to go back to that life, hurt, and pain, they are crushed and life has been sucked out of them. The addict is not the only one that needs recovery.  So being in our own heads sometimes isn't good, sometimes it is really hard to seperate fiction from truth, but it does come back in time. One of the hardest things to do is ask someone (What did I do under My Addiction ) alot of people can't understand not remembering ( BLACKOUTS ) as we know them.  Time is a healer, Patiences is a gift.  To all that endored the affects of a addict remember Pain turns into Anger, Anger turns into your own addiction.

                                                                                              Gail W

Being in your own Head bad place to go?

Is being in your own head a bad place to go? Well when you are under a addiction alot of times that is the only place you are at. ( Nothing else madders ) not for the sake of not loving your family or loved ones only for the fact that you have limited space at the time ( You don't think ) everything is normal to you. But in reality things are totally out of control. In the mist of a addiction you do cry out for help but in a different way. It's called anger, hate, self-pity, denial. We lash out at the people we love the most because we trust they will be there to take it. Getting sober your mind is a good and bad place if only you can seperate the lies we have told ourselves and the truth of things that we did do. Most of the time we hurt the people we love the most at not expense but thats our way we have no expense the sky is the limit until we fall.... cont..

life after surrender

You come to a point, when things start making sense instead of just being scrambled in your head. You start thinking a little clearer.When I got to the point of surrender to alcohol and it's torturing affect on the people that had to live with it and loved me, there is a clear window. Almost like clouds lifting with a ray of shine coming threw. To ignore problems and pretend they aren't happening was a great plus to living the life of a Alcoholic, I would just tell everyone I'am sorry and just tell myself it wasn't that bad when in reality it was tranquilising. To think God had abandoned me to find out I was the one who abandoned everyone, but my disease. It takes alot of steps to even get to the first step of recovery, to realize you now are going to HAVE to live a totally different way of life. A meaningfull and productive life. I'am not saying I didn't mean things that I did say in my addiction. I did Love My Husband and Children with all my heart but I just heart people around me because as I know now I was stuck in Hell. When I came to believe that God never left me I left him was heart breaking. But God and my Family has always been there for me and now the picture is getting clearer. I always said when I was younger That if you truely Love something set it free if it comes back to you it was yours all along if not, it was just a lesson learned. When you have feelings that you haven't felt in so long it takes time to take control of them, at first they all race out like do everything at once, but that just confusses people and scares them away. Everything takes time, and time I have,  To use it wisely and in a good way. I love my Children they are a blessing from God, And so was my Husband, God has a plan the master plan I'am just here for the ride, ( The ride of a life time )  Till next time God Bless and Love to all Gail

Detachment

Well, it has been awhile sense i wrote in this journal, alot has happened. I celebrated 4 months yesterday, and have seemed to shift my thoughts for once to myself. The one thing that has been going threw my mind lately is that I can no longer look back sense thats not the way I want to go. I have to face forward and take lifes problems head on. As a fast moving and confusing drunk that I was ( and still can be with that first drink) now I have to take a new direction. I have to be grateful for the things that I have going for me and stop trying to get back what I lost, maybe they where never mine to have. I have learned more about myself in these 4 months then I have learned in the past 41 years. I am a proud person and have self worth. I tend to keep going to that brick wall with all the same questions just to here the same answers praying that someday the people I loved the most in my life will just change face, but my head gets beat up against the wall over and over. So I have to change direction now and walk the other way with new hurtles to jump. One day at a time. I drank out of anxiety, and was arragent against reality. Time to wake up and put my mind to use. I love and miss my children but they are all getting older now and are really busy, I do feel cheated on motherhood, with no one to blame but myself but i'am working on a life time plan. God has a plan for me. Every alcoholics death has been interrupted because by rights we should have died a long time ago, but no we are special people of god! And are put here for a reason, or even maybe the sole purpose to help the new comer. I have lost alot but also gain back my life and respect to come.

                               This we owe to AA's Future:

To place our common welfare first; to keep our fellowship united, For on AA Unity depends our lives, and the lives of

those to come............................  Thank you, Love and God Bless, Gail  (responds welcome)