feelings of mental betrayel

I'm having such a hard time with getting over all the mental shit, and the mental abusive behavior of others in the past months. I was the fix it all and one day I woke up and had enough of everything, I had enough of my sons stuff ( which I miss him so much ) even thou he was a handful but we always stuck together all we had was each other for so long . I had it with the relationship that I though was from my dreams something that I always wanted it was almost to good and happy the man of my dreams someone that I waited for, for three years to find out he has so much shit coming back at him that I can't handle it and he had this way of making me belive it was all me for so long that I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and then I realized it wasn't me. I'm at a point right now emotionally that I can't reverse my feelings and it hurts. I planned or we planned on sharing a life together and it was perfect so peaceful and happy then it just worn thin on me. I know when I get to this point of no return in my emotions that it is a course of someone getting hurt and usually it is both parties. My son is still out on his own but I did hear from him and he is taking actions to straighten his stuff out which is good, At home well I just sleep here and the rest is empty. My other half lnows he is losing me and he OVER does it to try to put things back into place but I know it is like a game if I give in and work on this relationship the shit will just start again I had a year of watching the pattern. I want to be able to share my life with someone I love and that we can do things with other people my friends always told me that something was wrong with this relationship but I didn't listen, Why should I it's my life. Well maybe I should have taken in some of the things others where seeing. I can't even pray right now, I pray to God to help me pray. I don't want to drink or anything like that but I do want to feel like my happy go lucky self again and I don't know where to start. I'm going to start to write because it helps me get some of this stuff off my chest at the time. If anyone knows what I'm feeling PLEASE share because right now I feel pretty alone. I thought going on three years sober my relationships with someone special would get better . I practice Honesty, Trust, Faithfulness and where did it get me ( But I'm holding on to those for myself) ... I do the right thing today, but sometimes I need help from others  and I guess thats what I'm asking for unparical help... Love yeah all Till Later Gail

resentments or resense

Well my moods have been crazy lately, I just don't have time for bullshit. I feel that enough mental abuse went on in the past year and I allowed it, now it is my turn to be free from the bullshit.  It took me along time to get into a relationship and boy people change, I'm so tired of forgiven I always forgive and where does it get me. I feel now that if I forgive and let go the other person has won like it is a game and I just can't take it no more. I have always been the type of person to care and help anyone but I'm so tired of people dropping there shit on me and now I have to get back on track and worry about me. I have a son that is breaking my heart but at the same time it is such a relief to not have to live the drama everyday not knowing what is going to transpire for min. to min....  I just want to be alone for awhile and find peace again. I have heard enough shit and been brow beaten for long enough and then led to believe that I was doing something wrong. I wrote down everything that I do and all I am is a HARD worker, Faithful, Honest and don't go anywheres but work and home so what I'am I doing wrong even thou I practice the program of AA I'am going to go to al-non I need to detact with Love not reasentments. Or like I say its not resenting it is resenseing the past and now... i love my children with my life and the heart strings they pull are amazing. I have my divorice coming up in the next couple of weeks and even thou all the crap that transpired between us it still hurts 18 years of my life is coming to a end.. I don't even know how to write my maiden name it has been so long. It feels like a death in the family.. I live with a man that is a great man but in the past months he has emotionally put me thou the wringer, He is also in the program and has a few years on me but we handle ourselves different. I other people he is the greatest but they don't live with him. I thought I loved this man more then anything and now I'm so angry I can put it down, any other time I can forgive and more on and we grew from it , now I just am empty...  I can't even pray or get quiet but I have this day and tonite to be quiet. Thoughts of my Dad has been on my mind lately he will be dead 24 years he was 44 when he died and thinking back he was a drunk too just like me. I just wonder if he ever asked himself if he had a problem with drinking or was it the iron-worker thing to do. I was thinking about a statement that was told to me when I was yound\g my Dad and Uncle Carl would always tell me " Don't ever trust someone that doesn't drink" I wonder why they said that... Well until later
Love and Huggs to all Gail (jersey shore girl)

Blue Skys and Dark thoughts:

Well it took me some time but I cleaned my sons room out I feel like he died , having a child in trouble and seeing the signs of what he is doing is scarey, I've been there and done that. I can't stand when everyone tells you I told you so.. and want to comfort me to tell you the truth I need to deal with this in my own way and time. I have alot of friends in the program that understand that and they do just what they are to do check up and give space..  My head is spinning I have to tell myself that I too am sick and have to take care of me, I fall into the taking and worring about everyone else first for to long. It seems when I started looking and taking care of myself it just caused problems and anger in some. Well thanks to AA I know today when I'm falling apart and when to get off my ass and do something about it. People say I'm to nice and hard at the same time but that is me. I would always give my shirt off my back for anyone. I'm toilinng with Relationship issues and family issues and it is so hard to get lost in all of it. I'm trying to find my way back and sometimes the people you love don't understand what your doing, when I don't know what to do I do nothing but I'm peicing it out and staying sober. Reality really sucks sometimes and living in my own world is old shit so I must get on the ball now...   Till later---  Gail

long days

Well what a weekend so far. My son got himself in soooo much trouble and is on the run right now, it is so hard as a parent to handle or disconnect yourself from this sort of mess. I can't say the thought of drinking or knocking myself out didn't inter my mind, but when it did it just made my sick to think i would have to start all over again and I probly won't make it back this time. I just wanted to be sedated feel nothing but instead I'm writing and keeping myself busy, It is something how that bond with your child can drive you crazy even when there are no where near you I feel such a pull of energy coming out of me, it is draning. I'm going to a meeting tonite I need to be around people that understand my mind set. The people my son was involved with are not nice people and we are handling the overflow from that. Thank God that I have true friends today and not my drinking friends, I can do thing honestly now and head on even thou it sucks sometimes but I have a life of reality now. Well it's been alittle over two years sober for me and even I can't believe it sometimes but if I wasn't I would have been dead along time ago.. God must have a purpose for me still Well hope everyone out there is happy and safe God Bless, Talk to you guys later ,
Gail (jersey shore area )

Is there light???????????????????

Well God has really been checking his list with me, putting one thing after another on me... I tell you now If this two weeks wasn't enough to make me drink nothing will... I watched my whole life undo itself again in two weeks. My son which is OUT OF CONTROL and I can't help him anymore is on the run  from some pretty bad shit. The man I love moved out because he couldn;t handle anymore of this 18 year old tirrent and I'm sitting here with so many bills that it is overwhelming, but I'm not drinking or useing. My world is just up in pieces right now but you know I found out when the crazy people remove themselves from your life your true friends come back and pick up the pieces. I lost it yesterday it was the closes I've came to comitting myself (in soberity ) I was having a mental breakdown it was bad...   I have two friends that I love dearly and they came and took care or me without question and they protected me in every way that is friendship something I didn';t have before... Relationships are hard when you are starting over at 43 and sometimes being by yourself feels pretty good. I'm on my way of fixing Gail and not everyone else I just can't and was crazy to think I could,,, The care taker we all have that in us the last one we seem to take care of is ourselves well I learned the hard way and now have to move on.  It is not easy and it hurts but I now know I can do it sober and if I drank it would only get worse.. Unconditional love has it price and sometimes it is sanity....  I'm trying to stay in the day, I missed trwo days of work but tommarro is another day and I'm getting well needed sleep and starting all over again,, I came to far to quit now. Soberity makes you stronger but I had to feel weak for a couple of days and let other people help me, because I'm real bad on asking for help but thank God they did.. So today I'm tired, hurt, but also ready to give my life a fight and in half... Well untill later remember those who are to Well to tell aren't WELL..  TTUL Gail