The End of The Beginning

Well in five more days I will have a Year Sober. I began with surrender and finishing with fight. So far this year I have learned that I'm powerless over every sitution and the things that I wanted the most aren't the things that I'm meant to have. ( I still struggle with that notion somedays). I now have a fight in me to move and improve, to live a happy and free life Sober. In a years time I have gained the respect back from my Children and Family, Some still don't see it clearly but they are coming around in there own time. My Husband still has alot of issues and anger I pray for him everyday, This was not his fault. alcohol has a power of it's own and it claims Lives sometimes all the way to the END. I always loved my Husband, Children, and Family but I'm a alcoholic and my blood runs riot with 90 Proof. I really didn't have a choice when I was under my addiction because the Drink made all the decisions for me. It even told me I didn't deserve a life at all and then meantally took it from me. The only reason I'm still alive is God has a plan for me and I loved my Family. My three Children and Husband where always in my head at the same time the voice of drinking was telling me to end it all, stop the pain kill myself. They are the only reasons I didn't, even thou alcohol took away all my resonable thinking and physical, mental, and spirturial being Deep in side I had a strong love that will always be uncondional. Being Sober is one of the best gifts I ever recieved just to know what REAL love, pain, emotions and thoughts are, life has a whole different color to it. I would go to bed at night and my prayer where" God please take me when I'm sleeping I can't take the pain anymore" now I thank God I can feel Pain and True emotions and give praise and Thanks for another day. I ask God for his Will everyday for Myself and all other people. To make me the best person I can be. And to use me to help other people and bring Happiness, Safety, and Love into everything I do. I can look in the mirrow now and see a person, A beautiful person with Dreams Hope and Faith that is something I couldn't do or would even think to do a year ago. I was a havic on peoples lives and just brought hurt and shame and thats something I don't have to do today because I have a God, Program, and a better way of living instilled in me. I still have my days of the ups and downs and I still have my times of crying but only when things come up That Hurt or don't remember, " My Ghosts" but then I deal with them. I talk about it and get it out honestly instead of just filing it under it never happened and just forgetting about it. A drink for me today is to DIE, I will always be one drink away from my grave and thats not a place I want to go to now, I have a life ahead of me and I thank God and a program that I have today and hope to have forever in my life until the day God takes me home . This journal will be ended on Oct. 1st. A new journal will be started: From surrender to fight ( for life ) what a change.   Love Gail