Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall who's eyes are I seeing that go to my soul?

I looked in the Mirror today and asked myself WHO ARE YOU?  A year ago at this time I really didn't care to look at that empty person with that lost soul. I can look at myself today. That is something to be grateful for. I don't see that monster that drinking had caused, that person that hurt everyone who was infected by me. I had no soul what a lost feeling when you realize that. " I WAS VERY SICK " I look in the mirror now and see a person that cares about other people and I'm able to reach out and help. I see a Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, even a Wife and thats all the things that I didn't have a year ago. They where always right in front of me but so was that First Drink and that just took over and ruled my every being. I see Love now and I'm able to love. I here truth now and I'm able to tell the truth. I trust now and I'm able to be trusted these are all the things that i have and never seen because drinking told me they where not important or real. I spent time with my Daughter today and I'm so thankful she had the Father she had because she really is in the right direction, and I even Thanked God that she experienced what she did with me because she doesn't Drink or use Drugs. She has better plans with her life and she had Life one on One at home growing up. She learned By my Pain and Healing. ( The whole process ) is really amazing. When i think about this time last year and all the things I prayed for I'm gratful I didn't get everything. I would have never been ready for a relationship of any kind back then even with my children. But now I have a relationship with my kids and I'm able to be sober. Karl Sr. ( my husband ) well today is his Birthday and at first I was so upset because I really wanted to spend it with him, after thinking about it I'm gratful that he is just having one and I pray a happy one if that. All he's been though. I'm so happy that i never did anything in a Black Out physically that would have hurt him or my children. Life begins at 40 in my case 41 because thats when I got Sober. I went to two meetings tonite and heard just what I needed to here. LOVE PAIN HAPPINESS and DESPIRE Thank God that today I can reach out and help other people, Thank God I can eaze someone elses Pain. By doing that I help my OWN. God Bless everyone that never gave up on me, and Thank You for the Most important being and That is God. I could have NEVER done this by myself.  Just One Day At A Time- and pray pray pray, never give up HOPE & FAITH. Gail

The End of The Beginning

Well in five more days I will have a Year Sober. I began with surrender and finishing with fight. So far this year I have learned that I'm powerless over every sitution and the things that I wanted the most aren't the things that I'm meant to have. ( I still struggle with that notion somedays). I now have a fight in me to move and improve, to live a happy and free life Sober. In a years time I have gained the respect back from my Children and Family, Some still don't see it clearly but they are coming around in there own time. My Husband still has alot of issues and anger I pray for him everyday, This was not his fault. alcohol has a power of it's own and it claims Lives sometimes all the way to the END. I always loved my Husband, Children, and Family but I'm a alcoholic and my blood runs riot with 90 Proof. I really didn't have a choice when I was under my addiction because the Drink made all the decisions for me. It even told me I didn't deserve a life at all and then meantally took it from me. The only reason I'm still alive is God has a plan for me and I loved my Family. My three Children and Husband where always in my head at the same time the voice of drinking was telling me to end it all, stop the pain kill myself. They are the only reasons I didn't, even thou alcohol took away all my resonable thinking and physical, mental, and spirturial being Deep in side I had a strong love that will always be uncondional. Being Sober is one of the best gifts I ever recieved just to know what REAL love, pain, emotions and thoughts are, life has a whole different color to it. I would go to bed at night and my prayer where" God please take me when I'm sleeping I can't take the pain anymore" now I thank God I can feel Pain and True emotions and give praise and Thanks for another day. I ask God for his Will everyday for Myself and all other people. To make me the best person I can be. And to use me to help other people and bring Happiness, Safety, and Love into everything I do. I can look in the mirrow now and see a person, A beautiful person with Dreams Hope and Faith that is something I couldn't do or would even think to do a year ago. I was a havic on peoples lives and just brought hurt and shame and thats something I don't have to do today because I have a God, Program, and a better way of living instilled in me. I still have my days of the ups and downs and I still have my times of crying but only when things come up That Hurt or don't remember, " My Ghosts" but then I deal with them. I talk about it and get it out honestly instead of just filing it under it never happened and just forgetting about it. A drink for me today is to DIE, I will always be one drink away from my grave and thats not a place I want to go to now, I have a life ahead of me and I thank God and a program that I have today and hope to have forever in my life until the day God takes me home . This journal will be ended on Oct. 1st. A new journal will be started: From surrender to fight ( for life ) what a change.   Love Gail

What is a Alcoholic Mother

What is a Alcoholic Mother? I found myself looking at the title of this journal and it never stuck me. Alcoholic? That is something that I never expected , I didn't just wake up one day and say well I think I'll be a Alcoholic for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I sit back and say to myself boy the love I had for my children, Husband, Family, etc.. didn't even come into play when it came to the force of drinking my problemed life away. ( and just making the problems bigger and more excussable in my own head) until the day came when I didn't know thr lie from the truth or vise versa. Being in my body and head, I have to learn how to deal with great guilt, loss, shame.  These things have a physical pain attached to them that I feel in my stomach and heart daily. I pray for the obsession I have over the loss and guilt to be lifted just like it was with the drink. But for some reason it is taking it's time. I know that God has a reason for all this pain and shame fear and wary life but I just can't figure it out. I'v been told that more will be reveiled in Gods time. But when is that? I have to learn to not let my will take over and try to lead the way or change things because Everything happens for a reason. I still feel like gods timing is off sometimes to get diviorce papers for my birthday, but then that just showed me that 6,5,4, months ago I would have blown my brains out and other people with me. But I handled it. Yes I got upset, but handled it. I still feel like I don't deserve to lose all that I did lose. My family, husband, house, love,etc. it's a hard egg to peel. The last thing that ever came to mind was a drink, I never thought of it at all that was shocking.so something is getting better. Then I sat back and looked where I was 9 months ago then I realized alot has changed, I have changed. Honesty is natural now, compassion for others comes so easy, feelings I never thought before I had I have now. ( just no other half to share them with. lol ) The Family afterwares I'am all that and more, to reckage is like the storm from hell and i'am going to need a big shovel and lots of helpers to help me clean it up. I have to make God the boss for now. I have to remind myself everyday because lately I do slip into that funk at least once a day, and I really want to get back into having some kind of peace in my life. Well thank God for another day sober one more safe person on the streets tonight without ME driving drunk.

Till Later Gail

Doing what I don't want to do.

Well I did have a tough weekend with all the people here at the shore on vacation. I found myself feeling closed in, unable to breath. I didn't want to go out or to meeting etc. But I decided to face my fears and do it anyway. I went out to meeting for the last two nights and they really helped me. I drove along the coast and took time to see what I take for granted everyday, the sea, waves, boats, sky etc. it was great. I have to remind myself that I'am doing soooooooo  much better then I was 9 months ago.  I never want to go back to that life. It is loney sometimes more then others but in Gods time I will not be alone. I started writting because I haven't in so long and didn't want to so I went and did it and now I feel better. I have to push myself sometimes I get stuck in the funk of things. I found myself just looking at all the happy people and fun and forgot to look at the people that have it much worst then me. I have it pretty good for someone that has lost everything. I found myself not being able to pray so I asked God to help me pray and it is helping.   I just have to remember where I am and what time it is. I am Here, and the time is now. And the meaning of time to me is ( This I Must Earn ). Thank god I have some special people that help me so much and they don't even realize it.God has blessed me in many ways and that I have to keep in mind. Well until tomarro, Sunny 85 clear skys and beaches, it doesn't get better then this. ( for now ) .  Gail

Thank you Angel, for your e-mails. I almost forgot.

Changes like the wind.

Well, it's has been awhile i THOUGHT i WAS GOING TO COME BACK AND WRITE BUT THE UP AND DOWNS REALLY GOT TO ME. i CAN GIVE GREAT ADVICE BUT NEVER CAN i USE MY OWN. On July 1st. I celebrated 9 Months sober. Boy what a trip it has been putting the drink down was the easy part. Living life on lifes terms thats the hard part. I feel like I have been in a coma for 3 years only 9 months of that sober and finally woke up to everybody and everything gone. My husband went with someone else, the kids are living there own lives and now I have to live mine. It's almost like I have to learn it all over again, but then I guess I do. I don't miss the people that I used to hang with or the places I went but it does get loney. 4th of July was a hard weekend for me. I live in a resort area by the shore and all the happy families and children really got me depressed. I was happy for the people having fun but felt so alone with myself, I just wanted to be happy and loved and have someone call me honey or dear. Kiss or Hugg would have even been good. Everyone tells me how good of a person I am, and God will put someone special in my life in his time. I have to go with that I guess for now. I'am really glad I'am able to write again I wasn't able to for a while. I just didn;t know what to write, I couldn't even write my thoughts because they where so screwed up. Hope everyone is doing great. be back soon, Gail

I'am Back

Well I'am back. It has been awhile sense I have wrote in my journal. I have been going thur some times and emotionally lost track of everything. But I'am still sober. It will be 7 months on the !st God willing. I had to really get in touch with me. Falling into the trap with a friend that just made it easier and I wasn't working my program to the fullest.  Relationships with another man is going to take some time. I still haven't gotten over my husband and I still love him. To be with someone in soberity it is really scarey. ( like the first time all over again) well I guess it really is. Thank you to all that noticed that I wasnt writting and checked in to see if I was ok. You are ALL always in my prayers. I just wanted to write to say hello and i'll be back in full swing of my journal soon. Learning what acceptance is can really be a chore at times, but God and the women in my life are helping sooooooooooo  much now.. Well till later, tomarro a beach day, the shore and the night skies are breath taking now and only to get better and better as summer comes on... Love you all Gail