Does Time Heal???

Well I've been sober for a little over 4 years now and time does heal some hurts. Hurts and hates i thought i would never get over I did in TIME. But some regrets are harder then others. God has a way of keeping certain people in your life for some reason. I never realized why I had a hard time getting into a new relationship and three years later now I know,  Somethings take more time then others. They say when you come into the program no relationships for one year they should change that to four years.
Past hurts like loss of a marriage family splitting up and heart break can be cured with a easy fix by replacing it with someone else but in the long run the old wounds never heal and they just carry over into any new relationship that is started. i never really got over the loss of my marriage and home, having to start out all over again after 18 years alone it has not been easy. I still find myself stir crazy in my head sometimes.  I pray.. & pray, I know today that this will pass the roller coaster ride they talk about doesn't end in the first year, I think it starts in the fourth. I have the not drinking down but emotional soberity is just important as being sober.
At the shore it gets boring in the winter and meetings get small the ocean gets cold and I still have to learn to overlook those defects and remember the positive like for example where was i 4 1/2 years ago.. With that thought I'm going to start my day all over again ' Thats the great thing about being sober WE CAN START ARE DAY OVER AGAIN AT ANYTIME!!! 
Talk to you all later, With Love Gail ( jersey shore girl ).

My silent prayer

Dear God,
Please help me except everyday as it is, and no more.
Please help me not to read things into other peoples statements.
Please help me for a lifetime to free myself from bondage of self. Please God help me understand and except things as they are dealt to me. Please help me keep my eyes open to everything you put in my path via' awake or asleep. Thank you for tomorrow in advance for just One  Day At A Time I seek.  Please hold me accountable for my actions today for when i was  in my addiction I wasn't accountable for nothing. Please don't ever let me forget the days of gloom and be forever grateful  for the life I have today. Please comfort the people out there still suffering in there addiction and let us in recovery forever work for you.
Thank you for my Family, Children and love I have in my life today. And last but not least Thank you for Oct. 1st. 2003 when you gave me a second chance on life. I'm now 4 years clean and sober.. Thank you!!!!!

Love you all: South Jersey Girl Gail
P.S Thank you for my wonderful trip to Ohio To see my friend of 20 years ( Now we are both sober ) what a blessing. I love it out there..  Goodnite

Tags: Baby Ospreys growing up.

Tags: Full Moon Cape May NJ

Summer is going to Fast.

Tags: Stone harbor NJ

Step One

It's always nice to be reminded that I'm powerless over situations.  As time goes by it is easier to be alone. Rob is still in Bal. MA and things don't look like it's going to work out. I have to remember that I'm powerless not just over drinking but over what God has in store for me. It sounds allot easier then it is. I want the life with a loving man 2.2 animals and peace and serenity, But peace and serenity and  my animals I have now just might be enough for me. Relationships if I could do it all over again, i would have not gotten into one for a few years.  Even though  my other half is in the program I now understand when they say some are sicker then others. I see now how a unsettled or uncleaned and dealt with past can destroy the future. i gave my all into my relationship with Rob but all thous old haunts of his just can powering at me and I THOUGHT I could fix it ,( Fix everything) hahaha that's what we want to do. But Step One " I'm powerless over alcohol & other people places & things. God put this alone time in my life for me to learn. My learning processes aren't always Kind & gentle , it seems to hurt emotionally then i grow. Pain is the touch tone of growth i do believe that now. " It took me a few years" lessons are learned on a daily basic and my life is growing from it. It is lonely, depressing & quiet but I'm learning now what could be healthy for me and what is not. It is as hard as the lesson of saying NO, which i still have to work at.  Well just for today I'm going onward and being strong and tomorrow  I'll TRY to worry about that when it get here.  Thank you for letting me spill my heart  & I pray it will help someone  that is going thur the same or about too. Time means Time. I never gave myself enough of it.
Taking it Day 2 Day " One Day At A Time"!!!

Love you all: The jersey shore girl Gail

So many changes

Sorry i haven't written in a while. So many changes like all my dreams are fading away some faster then others.My son moved out about a month ago he came back to stay with Rob & I and just did nothing so now my ex-husband stepped up to the plate and is helping and Anthony seems to be doing better I still can't believe a word he says but I try. Then Rob moved out and the wedding is off he said our relationship is toxic and he can't stand my son well I'm a mother and my kids are my kids. He now lives 50 miles away and I can't believe anything he says anymore either. Rob seems to have had a bottom in soberity 10 years sober 52 years old and has 50 dollars in the bank and possibly no job sense he moved his life has taken a turn. We had a nice night last Sat.. trying to make time to fix things but come monday i had hurt my back L5 & S1 are compressed and I have allot of pain. I started to talk to Rob just saying if he doesn't live here anymore then he cannot just show up anytime he wants too. Well I snapped and thur the rest of his stuff out and said some mean things. Things that where bottled up for so long. He ammitted he has mentally abused me for three years and he has to work on that and that he loves me. But like tonite he came down to help me because i really coulodn't do anything and it seemed like he helped got money left me a check and left and went home when I was sleeping. I feel used. Boy it is funny how time changes 6 months ago I was putting the final touches on our wedding and now I'm fighting to get some of the 5000 dollars i put out for it. I said i would never give my heart to anyone after my husband and now in soberity i did and look what happened. I've had a rough time this week I have so much pain with this back and my left leg that I just want it to go away. It is real hard sometimes to stay sober when you hurt so bad physically & emotionally but I am. I have four years sober and what a adventure, I pray Please God Put Some Peace in my life or just take me. I'm so tired ..  I know this will pass but the growing pains are increidable. Please just say a pray for me to get thur all this stuff.

I'm busy this time of year with my business and this is the worst time to get hurt.

I'm still going to persue my job back at a hospital or center sometime I just need a kick in the ass but not right now i have to get thur all this stuff first and clear my head some. I really miss that love feeling and dreams i had for the future. Well until later Love you all:

Love Gail ( the jersy shore girl )

Changes

          I'm sitting here quite. Allot has changed in the past month or so, It feels like it was overnite.  Well my son moved out oh yeah he moved back in about a month and a half ago. Again I wanted to try to give him a fresh start all he had to do is get a job. Well summer time at the shore and he is 20 years old and in 4 weeks NO job, He started back in the habit of the girlfriend spending the night every night ( she is a nice girl ) and sleeping till whenever in the day and with all the other stresses which my relationship falling apart and everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. I told my son he had to leave. He is now staying with my Ex-husband ( Thank God he stepped up to the plate) Anthony isn't even his real son but he is the only father Anthony has ever had. Well Anthony is gone now and he has a big chip on his shoulder, The last words he said to me where Go F--- yourself, Nice uh.  It hurts to have one of your kids talk to you like that. Rob & I are taking a break and he moved the day after. He has a office at the shore twice a week so he is here now sleeping I'm having a hard time forgiving & forgetting ( I can't) I need lots of time. I canceled the wedding ( wow allot has changed in the past months ). I really don't know how I feel Just numb & angry. Time alone will be good I don't even know myself anymore. Maybe I never really did know myself I guess it's time to find out.
I didn't drink thats a miracle I started stepping up the meetings and I do have some great friends.
My daughter and I are where talking about relationships and she mentioned that her friend got into a relationship and forgot everybody around her. Totally consumed with the guy she is with. You know I realized then I did that. I stopped going places with my friend and I was never available even to chat on the phone in general conversation. I lost touch.So what I'm doing now is reconnecting my life. I'll be 45 on Monday the 11th and I guess it is mid age depression or whatever but all I think about sometimes is how my life is half over. Someone told me time to start live and i looked at them like they where crazy. I have to redirect my thinking, I just don't know how to do it. And my sponsor is a great help I love her but she has her own stuff going on right now, She ownes a business and is busy busy busy this time of year at the shore you make it or have a very long winter. I just wanted to write, I've been praying to God to help me pray because I was evn mad at him. I have enough time now to know this will pass but my thought pattern isn't complete without the fellowship sometimes ( For example times like this ). Well thanks for letting me share my small problems compared to some my life is just rocky right now but it can be allot worse if I drink and give up.. Love you all Gail

Winter Melt away:

Well thank God for Sunshine, I was getting Gloomy with all this crazy weather. Well thank God We changed our wedding date to Oct. 7th we where suppose to be married on April 15 and we where hit with a major Nor Eastern, LOl funny how things work out. I'm sitting here thinking about where did the time go my God my youngest Son is going to be 18 I remember when I was drinking I couldn't wait for the time to go. I always said that when the last one is 18 I'm free. Boy what i missed. I was very active with my kids but NOT a morning person if you get what i mean. and not home at night. I had that Bartender life. 25 years of it. ( i don't know how I survived ) or better yet how the people around me survived. It is sad to think  I wished time away, now I look at it like a wish granted each day. It was funny i came home tonite i have two ferrets and a cat you would think a baby field mouse  would have committed suicided trapped in this house, but No they where playing I was so amazed i just sat and watched. you know ANIMALS  do have such a loving outlook on life all they know is love, fun.eat,sleep,poop,lol I want to come back as a loving animal without knowing all the choices and screw ups humans have and do. Time is flying, I happy to be sane and sober today to enjoy the time i have now. With Love & Huggs    ( Gail ) jersey shore girl

The meaning of Family

I was going Thur some pictures trying to put a album together. It dawned on me that Love is very important in Family but there is so much more. My kids are growing up so fast they are all almost of age now. I realized that I can Love all I want but what makes a strong relationship is Honesty, Time, and to listen just like when I got sober I had to listen. By listening I've learned so much about the different personalities my children possess. When I was drinking and a wife and mother of three I listened most to those little voices in my head that told me { get the kids together, Feed them, Make sure you vacuumed so the house looks good, cook something and at the end of the day when everything was done look for a excuse and go drinking just to wake up feeling like shit with a short temper and just going Thur the motions.} What a dead life I had for me and my family that was totally innocent. What a powerful disease.
I was talking to my youngest son before and telling him I went to the doctors today and she said my Blood pressure was great and everything looks good and he asked: Didn't you always have a uncontrolled problem with your blood pressure and I told him yes I did because I was drinking and The night before I went to the doctor back then I would try not to drink  and then double up on my meds to get Thur the visit without a trip to the hospital. {EVEN DOING THAT i WAS ALWAYS AT STROKE LEVEL}  but not today.  The power of time is amazing and the little voices still once in a while talk to me and ask me " why not just one?" but I know today it is the evil trying to get me back to that dead shell of a person WAS. Today when listening to people or the kids I can tell if something is wrong, I can hear pain, happiness,joy,& excitement Thats something That drinking took away from me at the age of 44  I'm really learning  what life is all about and boy I never thought i would make it Thur my California days and the 20's drinking & in my 30's being insane but you know I did and people listened to me and told me Gail we will love you till you love yourself and you know what they did and I now tell people the same thing. Watching the transformation in people lost souls coming alive again is a gift . A gift from God and the program of AA . Think Think Think also comes with Listen Listen Listen.. Never give up hope !!!!!!  Love you all Gail ( the jersey shore girl)..

Two of the deadly evil's

Well tonite at the meeting they asked for topics" I brought up self-esteem & pride. Two of my evils. I have had a rough couple of weeks just with a combo of stuff and my pride tell me " Gail just do everything yourself" well thinking about that reminded me when I went on False self-esteem that alcohol gave me  " that I was greater then  anything" when really I was as sick as they came with alcohol. My pride told me it was ok to be sick because to me the abnormal became normal . Well I pray everyday thous days are gone, and so far so good. I have to make sure I make the meetings because I can get caught up in life and with the constance changes which are normal to life sometimes to a alcoholic changes is all it takes to set your head spinning in all direction. Like I always remind myself " the question" " Is it resentments in life I ponder or is it re sensing the past that  bothers me?  Reflections on the past can haunt me, I'm trying to make amends . But sometimes I just don't know how to start. So the start I'm going to continue is staying SOBER and the rest will follow. I loved seeing my Son Karl today I'm so proud of him, that kid really holds himself up he always did. But we all weaken sometimes and thats OK sometimes a weakness has made me MUCH stronger in my path of life and the most pain stake times have allowed me to lower my pride and ask for Help when I most need it Thank you  God..  So for me Pride is good & important but it can also be MY silence killer. Till next time God bless goodnite, Love Gail (jersey shore girl) :>

They Grow Fast

Boy the kids grow fast. I can across this picture and boy if I could turn back time. I love my kids with all my soul. I'm so proud of them. My youngest son Karl is really growing up ro be a special man. I looked at him today and thought what a great father & husband he is going to be someday. I saw a look in his face today, I felt his thoughts spinning around in his head That look when someone asks you " What are you thinking about?" and you say nothing. In a way I almost wanted him to get some of the anger out about the past. I know he has to feel hurt and anger but he is such a Good kid he just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. God blessed me and now I ask God to bless them, My kids are the best gift to me next to my soberity.. Thank you for the second chance. Love gail the jersey shore girl...

Today's Thought:
           

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
-Dirissy

Life is seasonal constance change>

Well another twist in the always changing life. Alot has been going on. One good thing is my kids and I are really coming together. The wedding is off...  Rob said he has to go find himself. Well everything happens for a reason. I wonder was I really looking forward to the wedding or was I just fantasizing about the experience. I realized nothing is worth coming between my kids. I have three kids that need and want me in all three different ways at different times, As a women I can mutitask which in my belief Men cannot.  It just worn me down when I had someone dictating to me on how to handle my children when they haven't been around theres in 11 years. I love Rob but I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet either. One thing about MY recovery is that I am the GREATEST    LIAR   TO SELF. The feelings I had two years ago where nice but alot weaker then the control and feelings I have today. the only way I can explain it is that I have changed grown up and realized that Time is mandatory as much as I wanted to do everything overnite it was just another mind fart. My middle son needs different care then the rest. My daughter is a great kid and has her stuff together my youngest son is smart and handles things in a adult manner and then you have Anthony he is in recovery and he is ME. scary when you see yourself in your kids, There is times I do tell him call me when you get a real problem he is 19 years old and calls me when his girlfriend won't get up out of bed lol/  I tell him and he has to learn on his own that he has a life and so does the million of other people around him. As much as he gets my goat I'm always there when he really needs me and ALWAYS WILL BE.  Loniness  is scary but being crazy and stressed out is worse. As a women I can go run to find myself, i have animals and a house which now my land lord is selling and I have to move April 1st. Thats ok I can't worry about it  just keep moving ahead.  I have to try to get back some of this money I  put out for the wedding etc.. Sometimes I can't help feeling used but then I have to remember I allowed this, I am Responsible  for my actions today and the lesson was to THINK THINK THINK now I know what they mean  : Think things thur with you head not always your emotions.   I have allot ahead of me my Ex-husband has cancer he is only 42 and the kids are holding strong. I pray everyday that something comes up to fix him because he really is a good man. But one good note I DON'T DRINK TODAY and I can handle ANYTHING that is to come my way.. Like it or Not . I have to remember I'm not in control of this life plan God is and he does things for a purpose . Most times I don't understand the purpose till after the fact but there ALWAYS IS A PURPOSE. I'm a women, Strong, Tender,Bitchy at times, Multitasking person the only thing different with me compared to some women is that I'M SOBER.. Love you all Have a wonderful day.. Love gail ( the jersey shore girl )..

Time can heal!!!!

Hello everyone I'm here to tell you Time can Heal

T=This

I=I

m=Must

E=earn          !!!!!!!!

I had a nice day with my youngest son, Boy he is growing into such a great young Man.. I'm so proud.  I was brought back to memories of when all I would talk about was my ex-husband boy now that I think about that what hurt it must of brought to my kids. At the time I was totally heart broken and thought life could never go on but Time heals Life did go on. I still get sad and think of the way it was when my family and I where together and the softball days and school trips etc.. But I look at my kids now and they are growing growing up. They make decisions now for themselves and come forward with problems of there own today instead of all ours. Everyone survived. I look back what I would have done different One thing for sure I would been there when my kids went to bed I would have made sure dinner time was special,, and all that stuff . The only way I could have done those things where to put the drink down and it took over my life. I'm so grateful today that I don't need that drink and I'm not embarrassed to say so . Say That Drinking for me is out of the question,,  and I'm forward to let people know what happened to me and it is a disease that is totally controlling. I look back at this journal from when I first started it and tell you the truth I see life come alive. Even thou I put the drink down over three years ago three years ago I just wanted to die. I lost everything that ever mattered to me. I loved my family so much but one drink and I'm rude, hurtful,mean & un sensible and by true nature I'm totally opposite.  Time heals not only other people that where hurt by my addiction but It changed me into the caring woman that I am today. Thank you everyone for loving me when I was unsolvable & unreliable & Unfit to love..  Thank you God!!

Your's Truly   "The jersey shore girl-"   Gail

Spinning Head

I can't sleep so much has been happening . It'd hard to believe that I had 3 years sober and my head is spinning like it was yesterday. I wrote my fourth step it took along time and I have it tucked away at my sponsors house we will go over it when the time is right. The feelings of guilt has been just overcoming me at times. I had some great news and bad news all within two days of each other. For anyone that has read this journal from the beginning I was sickened with the thought of never having my family back together ( husband, kids, house, etc. ) Well some I didn't get back and some have become so much better. My kids and I have a relationship now and the good news was that my youngest son invited me to go to his counseling session with him, I was so happy ( but feared up at the same time) my husband which now is my ex-husband moved on ( married someone he worked with). Thats hard to take sometimes but it happened. Well I found out that he has been diagnosis with liphnote gland cancer and the outcome is harsh. It is breaking my heart. I had all these overrunning thoughts of how I was when i was drinking and how rotten I was. He would need help and I would laugh it makes me sick to think about what kind of person I WAS. I'm not that person at all today. Alcohol made me a monster. I have alot of guilt and at the same time Rob and I put the wedding off for awhile  ( maybe until Oct. ) because there is just to much stress and things going on right now. Everything seems to happen all at once.  I know God never puts more on your plate then you can handle but my plate seems to be too small sometimes. The what if's, I should of, I wish I know doesn't belong in my vocabulary but it is hard to dismiss them at times..  I have to Remember tomarro's session with my son is about him not me. ( In my head I'm already defending myself.)  I have a curse some call it a gift I just know when bad stuff is going to happen, I've been telling my X for months something is wrong when something is wrong the people in harms way they will haunt my dreams now that I found out whats wrong the dreams stop it's crazy but when I tell Rob I have a bad feeling he hides, haha.....  I just feel so sad but grateful at the same time. Sometimes I think " What would my life be IF I never drank? " Dunno. Grateful to be sober today.. Love you all Gail ( The jersey shore girl)

My pride and joy..  First time in a few years I had all three kids in front of the Tree, What a wonderful gift....