Tags: Baby Ospreys growing up.

Tags: Full Moon Cape May NJ

Summer is going to Fast.

Tags: Stone harbor NJ

Step One

It's always nice to be reminded that I'm powerless over situations.  As time goes by it is easier to be alone. Rob is still in Bal. MA and things don't look like it's going to work out. I have to remember that I'm powerless not just over drinking but over what God has in store for me. It sounds allot easier then it is. I want the life with a loving man 2.2 animals and peace and serenity, But peace and serenity and  my animals I have now just might be enough for me. Relationships if I could do it all over again, i would have not gotten into one for a few years.  Even though  my other half is in the program I now understand when they say some are sicker then others. I see now how a unsettled or uncleaned and dealt with past can destroy the future. i gave my all into my relationship with Rob but all thous old haunts of his just can powering at me and I THOUGHT I could fix it ,( Fix everything) hahaha that's what we want to do. But Step One " I'm powerless over alcohol & other people places & things. God put this alone time in my life for me to learn. My learning processes aren't always Kind & gentle , it seems to hurt emotionally then i grow. Pain is the touch tone of growth i do believe that now. " It took me a few years" lessons are learned on a daily basic and my life is growing from it. It is lonely, depressing & quiet but I'm learning now what could be healthy for me and what is not. It is as hard as the lesson of saying NO, which i still have to work at.  Well just for today I'm going onward and being strong and tomorrow  I'll TRY to worry about that when it get here.  Thank you for letting me spill my heart  & I pray it will help someone  that is going thur the same or about too. Time means Time. I never gave myself enough of it.
Taking it Day 2 Day " One Day At A Time"!!!

Love you all: The jersey shore girl Gail

So many changes

Sorry i haven't written in a while. So many changes like all my dreams are fading away some faster then others.My son moved out about a month ago he came back to stay with Rob & I and just did nothing so now my ex-husband stepped up to the plate and is helping and Anthony seems to be doing better I still can't believe a word he says but I try. Then Rob moved out and the wedding is off he said our relationship is toxic and he can't stand my son well I'm a mother and my kids are my kids. He now lives 50 miles away and I can't believe anything he says anymore either. Rob seems to have had a bottom in soberity 10 years sober 52 years old and has 50 dollars in the bank and possibly no job sense he moved his life has taken a turn. We had a nice night last Sat.. trying to make time to fix things but come monday i had hurt my back L5 & S1 are compressed and I have allot of pain. I started to talk to Rob just saying if he doesn't live here anymore then he cannot just show up anytime he wants too. Well I snapped and thur the rest of his stuff out and said some mean things. Things that where bottled up for so long. He ammitted he has mentally abused me for three years and he has to work on that and that he loves me. But like tonite he came down to help me because i really coulodn't do anything and it seemed like he helped got money left me a check and left and went home when I was sleeping. I feel used. Boy it is funny how time changes 6 months ago I was putting the final touches on our wedding and now I'm fighting to get some of the 5000 dollars i put out for it. I said i would never give my heart to anyone after my husband and now in soberity i did and look what happened. I've had a rough time this week I have so much pain with this back and my left leg that I just want it to go away. It is real hard sometimes to stay sober when you hurt so bad physically & emotionally but I am. I have four years sober and what a adventure, I pray Please God Put Some Peace in my life or just take me. I'm so tired ..  I know this will pass but the growing pains are increidable. Please just say a pray for me to get thur all this stuff.

I'm busy this time of year with my business and this is the worst time to get hurt.

I'm still going to persue my job back at a hospital or center sometime I just need a kick in the ass but not right now i have to get thur all this stuff first and clear my head some. I really miss that love feeling and dreams i had for the future. Well until later Love you all:

Love Gail ( the jersy shore girl )

Changes

          I'm sitting here quite. Allot has changed in the past month or so, It feels like it was overnite.  Well my son moved out oh yeah he moved back in about a month and a half ago. Again I wanted to try to give him a fresh start all he had to do is get a job. Well summer time at the shore and he is 20 years old and in 4 weeks NO job, He started back in the habit of the girlfriend spending the night every night ( she is a nice girl ) and sleeping till whenever in the day and with all the other stresses which my relationship falling apart and everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. I told my son he had to leave. He is now staying with my Ex-husband ( Thank God he stepped up to the plate) Anthony isn't even his real son but he is the only father Anthony has ever had. Well Anthony is gone now and he has a big chip on his shoulder, The last words he said to me where Go F--- yourself, Nice uh.  It hurts to have one of your kids talk to you like that. Rob & I are taking a break and he moved the day after. He has a office at the shore twice a week so he is here now sleeping I'm having a hard time forgiving & forgetting ( I can't) I need lots of time. I canceled the wedding ( wow allot has changed in the past months ). I really don't know how I feel Just numb & angry. Time alone will be good I don't even know myself anymore. Maybe I never really did know myself I guess it's time to find out.
I didn't drink thats a miracle I started stepping up the meetings and I do have some great friends.
My daughter and I are where talking about relationships and she mentioned that her friend got into a relationship and forgot everybody around her. Totally consumed with the guy she is with. You know I realized then I did that. I stopped going places with my friend and I was never available even to chat on the phone in general conversation. I lost touch.So what I'm doing now is reconnecting my life. I'll be 45 on Monday the 11th and I guess it is mid age depression or whatever but all I think about sometimes is how my life is half over. Someone told me time to start live and i looked at them like they where crazy. I have to redirect my thinking, I just don't know how to do it. And my sponsor is a great help I love her but she has her own stuff going on right now, She ownes a business and is busy busy busy this time of year at the shore you make it or have a very long winter. I just wanted to write, I've been praying to God to help me pray because I was evn mad at him. I have enough time now to know this will pass but my thought pattern isn't complete without the fellowship sometimes ( For example times like this ). Well thanks for letting me share my small problems compared to some my life is just rocky right now but it can be allot worse if I drink and give up.. Love you all Gail