Changes

          I'm sitting here quite. Allot has changed in the past month or so, It feels like it was overnite.  Well my son moved out oh yeah he moved back in about a month and a half ago. Again I wanted to try to give him a fresh start all he had to do is get a job. Well summer time at the shore and he is 20 years old and in 4 weeks NO job, He started back in the habit of the girlfriend spending the night every night ( she is a nice girl ) and sleeping till whenever in the day and with all the other stresses which my relationship falling apart and everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. I told my son he had to leave. He is now staying with my Ex-husband ( Thank God he stepped up to the plate) Anthony isn't even his real son but he is the only father Anthony has ever had. Well Anthony is gone now and he has a big chip on his shoulder, The last words he said to me where Go F--- yourself, Nice uh.  It hurts to have one of your kids talk to you like that. Rob & I are taking a break and he moved the day after. He has a office at the shore twice a week so he is here now sleeping I'm having a hard time forgiving & forgetting ( I can't) I need lots of time. I canceled the wedding ( wow allot has changed in the past months ). I really don't know how I feel Just numb & angry. Time alone will be good I don't even know myself anymore. Maybe I never really did know myself I guess it's time to find out.
I didn't drink thats a miracle I started stepping up the meetings and I do have some great friends.
My daughter and I are where talking about relationships and she mentioned that her friend got into a relationship and forgot everybody around her. Totally consumed with the guy she is with. You know I realized then I did that. I stopped going places with my friend and I was never available even to chat on the phone in general conversation. I lost touch.So what I'm doing now is reconnecting my life. I'll be 45 on Monday the 11th and I guess it is mid age depression or whatever but all I think about sometimes is how my life is half over. Someone told me time to start live and i looked at them like they where crazy. I have to redirect my thinking, I just don't know how to do it. And my sponsor is a great help I love her but she has her own stuff going on right now, She ownes a business and is busy busy busy this time of year at the shore you make it or have a very long winter. I just wanted to write, I've been praying to God to help me pray because I was evn mad at him. I have enough time now to know this will pass but my thought pattern isn't complete without the fellowship sometimes ( For example times like this ). Well thanks for letting me share my small problems compared to some my life is just rocky right now but it can be allot worse if I drink and give up.. Love you all Gail

Winter Melt away:

Well thank God for Sunshine, I was getting Gloomy with all this crazy weather. Well thank God We changed our wedding date to Oct. 7th we where suppose to be married on April 15 and we where hit with a major Nor Eastern, LOl funny how things work out. I'm sitting here thinking about where did the time go my God my youngest Son is going to be 18 I remember when I was drinking I couldn't wait for the time to go. I always said that when the last one is 18 I'm free. Boy what i missed. I was very active with my kids but NOT a morning person if you get what i mean. and not home at night. I had that Bartender life. 25 years of it. ( i don't know how I survived ) or better yet how the people around me survived. It is sad to think  I wished time away, now I look at it like a wish granted each day. It was funny i came home tonite i have two ferrets and a cat you would think a baby field mouse  would have committed suicided trapped in this house, but No they where playing I was so amazed i just sat and watched. you know ANIMALS  do have such a loving outlook on life all they know is love, fun.eat,sleep,poop,lol I want to come back as a loving animal without knowing all the choices and screw ups humans have and do. Time is flying, I happy to be sane and sober today to enjoy the time i have now. With Love & Huggs    ( Gail ) jersey shore girl

The meaning of Family

I was going Thur some pictures trying to put a album together. It dawned on me that Love is very important in Family but there is so much more. My kids are growing up so fast they are all almost of age now. I realized that I can Love all I want but what makes a strong relationship is Honesty, Time, and to listen just like when I got sober I had to listen. By listening I've learned so much about the different personalities my children possess. When I was drinking and a wife and mother of three I listened most to those little voices in my head that told me { get the kids together, Feed them, Make sure you vacuumed so the house looks good, cook something and at the end of the day when everything was done look for a excuse and go drinking just to wake up feeling like shit with a short temper and just going Thur the motions.} What a dead life I had for me and my family that was totally innocent. What a powerful disease.
I was talking to my youngest son before and telling him I went to the doctors today and she said my Blood pressure was great and everything looks good and he asked: Didn't you always have a uncontrolled problem with your blood pressure and I told him yes I did because I was drinking and The night before I went to the doctor back then I would try not to drink  and then double up on my meds to get Thur the visit without a trip to the hospital. {EVEN DOING THAT i WAS ALWAYS AT STROKE LEVEL}  but not today.  The power of time is amazing and the little voices still once in a while talk to me and ask me " why not just one?" but I know today it is the evil trying to get me back to that dead shell of a person WAS. Today when listening to people or the kids I can tell if something is wrong, I can hear pain, happiness,joy,& excitement Thats something That drinking took away from me at the age of 44  I'm really learning  what life is all about and boy I never thought i would make it Thur my California days and the 20's drinking & in my 30's being insane but you know I did and people listened to me and told me Gail we will love you till you love yourself and you know what they did and I now tell people the same thing. Watching the transformation in people lost souls coming alive again is a gift . A gift from God and the program of AA . Think Think Think also comes with Listen Listen Listen.. Never give up hope !!!!!!  Love you all Gail ( the jersey shore girl)..

Two of the deadly evil's

Well tonite at the meeting they asked for topics" I brought up self-esteem & pride. Two of my evils. I have had a rough couple of weeks just with a combo of stuff and my pride tell me " Gail just do everything yourself" well thinking about that reminded me when I went on False self-esteem that alcohol gave me  " that I was greater then  anything" when really I was as sick as they came with alcohol. My pride told me it was ok to be sick because to me the abnormal became normal . Well I pray everyday thous days are gone, and so far so good. I have to make sure I make the meetings because I can get caught up in life and with the constance changes which are normal to life sometimes to a alcoholic changes is all it takes to set your head spinning in all direction. Like I always remind myself " the question" " Is it resentments in life I ponder or is it re sensing the past that  bothers me?  Reflections on the past can haunt me, I'm trying to make amends . But sometimes I just don't know how to start. So the start I'm going to continue is staying SOBER and the rest will follow. I loved seeing my Son Karl today I'm so proud of him, that kid really holds himself up he always did. But we all weaken sometimes and thats OK sometimes a weakness has made me MUCH stronger in my path of life and the most pain stake times have allowed me to lower my pride and ask for Help when I most need it Thank you  God..  So for me Pride is good & important but it can also be MY silence killer. Till next time God bless goodnite, Love Gail (jersey shore girl) :>

They Grow Fast

Boy the kids grow fast. I can across this picture and boy if I could turn back time. I love my kids with all my soul. I'm so proud of them. My youngest son Karl is really growing up ro be a special man. I looked at him today and thought what a great father & husband he is going to be someday. I saw a look in his face today, I felt his thoughts spinning around in his head That look when someone asks you " What are you thinking about?" and you say nothing. In a way I almost wanted him to get some of the anger out about the past. I know he has to feel hurt and anger but he is such a Good kid he just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. God blessed me and now I ask God to bless them, My kids are the best gift to me next to my soberity.. Thank you for the second chance. Love gail the jersey shore girl...

Today's Thought:
           

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
-Dirissy