life after surrender

You come to a point, when things start making sense instead of just being scrambled in your head. You start thinking a little clearer.When I got to the point of surrender to alcohol and it's torturing affect on the people that had to live with it and loved me, there is a clear window. Almost like clouds lifting with a ray of shine coming threw. To ignore problems and pretend they aren't happening was a great plus to living the life of a Alcoholic, I would just tell everyone I'am sorry and just tell myself it wasn't that bad when in reality it was tranquilising. To think God had abandoned me to find out I was the one who abandoned everyone, but my disease. It takes alot of steps to even get to the first step of recovery, to realize you now are going to HAVE to live a totally different way of life. A meaningfull and productive life. I'am not saying I didn't mean things that I did say in my addiction. I did Love My Husband and Children with all my heart but I just heart people around me because as I know now I was stuck in Hell. When I came to believe that God never left me I left him was heart breaking. But God and my Family has always been there for me and now the picture is getting clearer. I always said when I was younger That if you truely Love something set it free if it comes back to you it was yours all along if not, it was just a lesson learned. When you have feelings that you haven't felt in so long it takes time to take control of them, at first they all race out like do everything at once, but that just confusses people and scares them away. Everything takes time, and time I have,  To use it wisely and in a good way. I love my Children they are a blessing from God, And so was my Husband, God has a plan the master plan I'am just here for the ride, ( The ride of a life time )  Till next time God Bless and Love to all Gail

Detachment

Well, it has been awhile sense i wrote in this journal, alot has happened. I celebrated 4 months yesterday, and have seemed to shift my thoughts for once to myself. The one thing that has been going threw my mind lately is that I can no longer look back sense thats not the way I want to go. I have to face forward and take lifes problems head on. As a fast moving and confusing drunk that I was ( and still can be with that first drink) now I have to take a new direction. I have to be grateful for the things that I have going for me and stop trying to get back what I lost, maybe they where never mine to have. I have learned more about myself in these 4 months then I have learned in the past 41 years. I am a proud person and have self worth. I tend to keep going to that brick wall with all the same questions just to here the same answers praying that someday the people I loved the most in my life will just change face, but my head gets beat up against the wall over and over. So I have to change direction now and walk the other way with new hurtles to jump. One day at a time. I drank out of anxiety, and was arragent against reality. Time to wake up and put my mind to use. I love and miss my children but they are all getting older now and are really busy, I do feel cheated on motherhood, with no one to blame but myself but i'am working on a life time plan. God has a plan for me. Every alcoholics death has been interrupted because by rights we should have died a long time ago, but no we are special people of god! And are put here for a reason, or even maybe the sole purpose to help the new comer. I have lost alot but also gain back my life and respect to come.

                               This we owe to AA's Future:

To place our common welfare first; to keep our fellowship united, For on AA Unity depends our lives, and the lives of

those to come............................  Thank you, Love and God Bless, Gail  (responds welcome)