I can't sleep so much has been happening . It'd hard to believe that I had 3 years sober and my head is spinning like it was yesterday. I wrote my fourth step it took along time and I have it tucked away at my sponsors house we will go over it when the time is right. The feelings of guilt has been just overcoming me at times. I had some great news and bad news all within two days of each other. For anyone that has read this journal from the beginning I was sickened with the thought of never having my family back together ( husband, kids, house, etc. ) Well some I didn't get back and some have become so much better. My kids and I have a relationship now and the good news was that my youngest son invited me to go to his counseling session with him, I was so happy ( but feared up at the same time) my husband which now is my ex-husband moved on ( married someone he worked with). Thats hard to take sometimes but it happened. Well I found out that he has been diagnosis with liphnote gland cancer and the outcome is harsh. It is breaking my heart. I had all these overrunning thoughts of how I was when i was drinking and how rotten I was. He would need help and I would laugh it makes me sick to think about what kind of person I WAS. I'm not that person at all today. Alcohol made me a monster. I have alot of guilt and at the same time Rob and I put the wedding off for awhile ( maybe until Oct. ) because there is just to much stress and things going on right now. Everything seems to happen all at once. I know God never puts more on your plate then you can handle but my plate seems to be too small sometimes. The what if's, I should of, I wish I know doesn't belong in my vocabulary but it is hard to dismiss them at times.. I have to Remember tomarro's session with my son is about him not me. ( In my head I'm already defending myself.) I have a curse some call it a gift I just know when bad stuff is going to happen, I've been telling my X for months something is wrong when something is wrong the people in harms way they will haunt my dreams now that I found out whats wrong the dreams stop it's crazy but when I tell Rob I have a bad feeling he hides, haha..... I just feel so sad but grateful at the same time. Sometimes I think " What would my life be IF I never drank? " Dunno. Grateful to be sober today.. Love you all Gail ( The jersey shore girl)
Monday, January 22, 2007
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