They Grow Fast

Boy the kids grow fast. I can across this picture and boy if I could turn back time. I love my kids with all my soul. I'm so proud of them. My youngest son Karl is really growing up ro be a special man. I looked at him today and thought what a great father & husband he is going to be someday. I saw a look in his face today, I felt his thoughts spinning around in his head That look when someone asks you " What are you thinking about?" and you say nothing. In a way I almost wanted him to get some of the anger out about the past. I know he has to feel hurt and anger but he is such a Good kid he just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. God blessed me and now I ask God to bless them, My kids are the best gift to me next to my soberity.. Thank you for the second chance. Love gail the jersey shore girl...

Today's Thought:
           

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
-Dirissy

Life is seasonal constance change>

Well another twist in the always changing life. Alot has been going on. One good thing is my kids and I are really coming together. The wedding is off...  Rob said he has to go find himself. Well everything happens for a reason. I wonder was I really looking forward to the wedding or was I just fantasizing about the experience. I realized nothing is worth coming between my kids. I have three kids that need and want me in all three different ways at different times, As a women I can mutitask which in my belief Men cannot.  It just worn me down when I had someone dictating to me on how to handle my children when they haven't been around theres in 11 years. I love Rob but I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet either. One thing about MY recovery is that I am the GREATEST    LIAR   TO SELF. The feelings I had two years ago where nice but alot weaker then the control and feelings I have today. the only way I can explain it is that I have changed grown up and realized that Time is mandatory as much as I wanted to do everything overnite it was just another mind fart. My middle son needs different care then the rest. My daughter is a great kid and has her stuff together my youngest son is smart and handles things in a adult manner and then you have Anthony he is in recovery and he is ME. scary when you see yourself in your kids, There is times I do tell him call me when you get a real problem he is 19 years old and calls me when his girlfriend won't get up out of bed lol/  I tell him and he has to learn on his own that he has a life and so does the million of other people around him. As much as he gets my goat I'm always there when he really needs me and ALWAYS WILL BE.  Loniness  is scary but being crazy and stressed out is worse. As a women I can go run to find myself, i have animals and a house which now my land lord is selling and I have to move April 1st. Thats ok I can't worry about it  just keep moving ahead.  I have to try to get back some of this money I  put out for the wedding etc.. Sometimes I can't help feeling used but then I have to remember I allowed this, I am Responsible  for my actions today and the lesson was to THINK THINK THINK now I know what they mean  : Think things thur with you head not always your emotions.   I have allot ahead of me my Ex-husband has cancer he is only 42 and the kids are holding strong. I pray everyday that something comes up to fix him because he really is a good man. But one good note I DON'T DRINK TODAY and I can handle ANYTHING that is to come my way.. Like it or Not . I have to remember I'm not in control of this life plan God is and he does things for a purpose . Most times I don't understand the purpose till after the fact but there ALWAYS IS A PURPOSE. I'm a women, Strong, Tender,Bitchy at times, Multitasking person the only thing different with me compared to some women is that I'M SOBER.. Love you all Have a wonderful day.. Love gail ( the jersey shore girl )..

Time can heal!!!!

Hello everyone I'm here to tell you Time can Heal

T=This

I=I

m=Must

E=earn          !!!!!!!!

I had a nice day with my youngest son, Boy he is growing into such a great young Man.. I'm so proud.  I was brought back to memories of when all I would talk about was my ex-husband boy now that I think about that what hurt it must of brought to my kids. At the time I was totally heart broken and thought life could never go on but Time heals Life did go on. I still get sad and think of the way it was when my family and I where together and the softball days and school trips etc.. But I look at my kids now and they are growing growing up. They make decisions now for themselves and come forward with problems of there own today instead of all ours. Everyone survived. I look back what I would have done different One thing for sure I would been there when my kids went to bed I would have made sure dinner time was special,, and all that stuff . The only way I could have done those things where to put the drink down and it took over my life. I'm so grateful today that I don't need that drink and I'm not embarrassed to say so . Say That Drinking for me is out of the question,,  and I'm forward to let people know what happened to me and it is a disease that is totally controlling. I look back at this journal from when I first started it and tell you the truth I see life come alive. Even thou I put the drink down over three years ago three years ago I just wanted to die. I lost everything that ever mattered to me. I loved my family so much but one drink and I'm rude, hurtful,mean & un sensible and by true nature I'm totally opposite.  Time heals not only other people that where hurt by my addiction but It changed me into the caring woman that I am today. Thank you everyone for loving me when I was unsolvable & unreliable & Unfit to love..  Thank you God!!

Your's Truly   "The jersey shore girl-"   Gail

Spinning Head

I can't sleep so much has been happening . It'd hard to believe that I had 3 years sober and my head is spinning like it was yesterday. I wrote my fourth step it took along time and I have it tucked away at my sponsors house we will go over it when the time is right. The feelings of guilt has been just overcoming me at times. I had some great news and bad news all within two days of each other. For anyone that has read this journal from the beginning I was sickened with the thought of never having my family back together ( husband, kids, house, etc. ) Well some I didn't get back and some have become so much better. My kids and I have a relationship now and the good news was that my youngest son invited me to go to his counseling session with him, I was so happy ( but feared up at the same time) my husband which now is my ex-husband moved on ( married someone he worked with). Thats hard to take sometimes but it happened. Well I found out that he has been diagnosis with liphnote gland cancer and the outcome is harsh. It is breaking my heart. I had all these overrunning thoughts of how I was when i was drinking and how rotten I was. He would need help and I would laugh it makes me sick to think about what kind of person I WAS. I'm not that person at all today. Alcohol made me a monster. I have alot of guilt and at the same time Rob and I put the wedding off for awhile  ( maybe until Oct. ) because there is just to much stress and things going on right now. Everything seems to happen all at once.  I know God never puts more on your plate then you can handle but my plate seems to be too small sometimes. The what if's, I should of, I wish I know doesn't belong in my vocabulary but it is hard to dismiss them at times..  I have to Remember tomarro's session with my son is about him not me. ( In my head I'm already defending myself.)  I have a curse some call it a gift I just know when bad stuff is going to happen, I've been telling my X for months something is wrong when something is wrong the people in harms way they will haunt my dreams now that I found out whats wrong the dreams stop it's crazy but when I tell Rob I have a bad feeling he hides, haha.....  I just feel so sad but grateful at the same time. Sometimes I think " What would my life be IF I never drank? " Dunno. Grateful to be sober today.. Love you all Gail ( The jersey shore girl)

My pride and joy..  First time in a few years I had all three kids in front of the Tree, What a wonderful gift....