The True Thoughts Of A Alcoholic/MOTHER :} The life that follows!!!!

What Now!!!!!!

2012-01-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

Looking back on 2011, man what a year. So many changes and hurtful sad times. I lost my Mom this past year and opened a whole new area of emotions that I really don't know how to deal with. Relationships should that even be in my future??????? I'm in a relationship now it started off with Joy Love and confusion but it is turning into just a repeat of my own doing. I just may be alone???? I have no friends to hang with or even talk to these days, I don't know when the last time I was truly happy with all in my life. I can't explain others stuff but I know when it affects my emotions then what??? I don't know how I managed to stay sober for over eight years it's amazing, I just want to be happy,,,, on the same page with that special someone. I feel out of link.. I pray for other people maybe I should start praying for myself. Looking back into this journal that is over 8 years old "Man " when is life going to be happy again????

I feel sick, tired, and out of air!!!!!! Please Please Please make 2012 the year for healing or growth that's all I pray for.

Until Later,,, Jersey Shore Girl.. Love yeah.

2012-01-10T11:20:00.001-08:00

Aug, 22

2011-08-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

Happy 70th BD Dad RIP.. Died when he was 44.... Drinker,smoker,sad to young.

Changes (Forever or Not)

2011-08-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is going on with me. I have a flood feelings and emotions but don't know how to get a handle on them. Life is trying yes "BUT" why is it so hard? I feel for so many people but have a hard time feeling for myself. I try it is exhausting, I'll have plans wonderful fantasies of how I want my day to be, or end up and in my mind I try so hard to relax and let go that I'm exhausted. Memories of caring for my Mom haunts me at time and I think my way thur it. One of the blessing I have is I don't want to drink. I have worked alone, stayed alone, and find myself just being so peaceful but lost at the same time. ( Does that make sense?) I pray for God to help me identify myself . I have Love, Trust, Respect in my life I just want to be able to return those feelings, the way I dream of in my head. I'm I going crazy or is this just another process of loss?
Opinions Welcomed.....
Till Later with Love, Light & Joy, Jersey Shore Girl.....

2011 "The End of the Beginning"

2011-04-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

It has been along time sense I written. So much has changed in my life. Amazing I'm still Sober but yes,,,,,,,,,,, I'm blessed to have stayed sober for 7 1/2 years now.

Today if I'm nothing else I'm grateful for each breath, sight and heart beat I get to feel and see.

In the course of this year, from my last post, I'm still in a relationship with a wonderful caring person. Last Summer my Mom was getting checked because she felt so worn down she was a RN retired but still worked traveling nurse and Loved it. End of last Summer she found out that she had Cancer that was located in the liver but it was a form of Bladder Cancer. She started her treatments and it worked great for three months. Then she went on another she just would hold her head up even when she felt like shit. I come from a family that my Two sisters that live next to Mom are teachers, They went back to school and Mom got sicker. I blocked off Mondays for work because that was my Moms Chemo days.... Then Mondays became Mon, Wed, Fri... then hospital then so on. I became my Moms care taker.... She trusted me for strength, Honesty, She was amazing.......... she was only 67 . My Mom is a big part of my recovery.. Moms never give up. It was a Very bad winter and I didn't work with my business we lost allot but gained at the same time. I had my car repoed, bills backed up to the extreme but Bruce sold his personal stuff and we did what we had to do. I couldn't have done it alone. My son, daughter in law and granddaughter still live at her grandmothers God bless her. Losing my last parent has such a weird feeling like "orphaned" fear. Today is 30 days my Mom has been passed, She passed away March 26th. She found out on March 17th there was nothing else to do. I asked her, Do you want to go Home? She said yes, the next day the room was ready, hospice "they are a savior" my Mom died 8 days later,, first three days home she was still communicating, and then just settling. The 12 hours before she died the nurse and I where cleaning My Mom up and thank God for the Hospital experience I have from working at SMH I was able to help. When we turned my Mom her eyes where as yellow as a egg,,,, When she passed she opened her eyes and smiled. Her eyes where as clear as clear could be. Thats God!!!!!! I miss her so much.. If I had to do it all over again . I would be honored. I lost but gained so much more. God please give my Mom a kiss for me, TU

Till later, gailwindsnj1 the jersey shore girl

2010-05-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

The days without the Wine and Roses.

2010-05-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

It is so amazing how things seem to come in a total learning cycle. People always told me, God knows what is right for you and when it is to be presented. My life has really come along way. Made major changes. And I've never been happier in my life. It took allot of pain and learning, time and patience's which is hard for any of us.
The days today WITHOUT the wine and roses mean so much more then they did almost seven years ago. I thought love was something that only other people had. Trust was something that was a figment of my imagination.
Today Trust, Love, and true kinship is the working power of time. So many times I wanted to give up hope, just check in the days and get the roses the wrong way. Today I thank God for introducing me to me. For saving my life to have a better and healthier one. To see the beauty in Gods wonders all around me. Thank God for my soberity and the feeling I get heart and soul, for each day today.
Today if I'm nothing else I'm grateful for each breath, sight and heart beat I get to feel and see.
Until later with Love. The Jersey Shore Girl. God Bless
Gail

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-03-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

Shhh, stop and listen to all the new, old, and overlooked. This is all NEW to me. I learn from you, I also teach at a very early age. I know Peace, love & joy and I'm here for a reason! Two teach you from the beginning.

Though Sobriety I've been Thur my Great, Wonderful, Happy times. I also been Thur a Divorce of a man I loved very much and always will as a father to my Son we have a good relationship today.

I shared great love with a man in sobriety.This passed year has been the hardiest. The passed 8 months have been Heartbreaking to watch the man I love just float away. But in the same sense it has been a eye opener to dig deep and find that Love in myself, What a scary place, it hurt very very bad... Spiritual, Emotional, and Physically in some senses. I learned to Love ENOUGH to let love find me.. I know what peace, Love & Joy feels like..... I have it every morning with the teacher haha. The only thing that really saddens me is that what a gift to share with the people you love, let alone the person you fell in love with. My future is going to hold allot of love in it. ( From with in and from ? ) I pray everyday for all my friends, I pray for Robs Mom I love her so much and she won't be here much longer. In Gods time everyone will feel the peace and joy of life and fulfillment.

Well until Now I'm going to keep telling myself everything is happening for a reason, always have hope and love not resentments and torment. Better to love and to forgive then to have never had the opportunity.

Please keep me in your prayers, God helps... Until Later Jersey Shore Girl Gail,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The eye

2010-02-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

When I came in the program I was Bankrupted, Literary. Mentally, Physically, just dead. But in the years of being here God placed wonderful people in my life. For me today it's not about drinking or even fantasizing the attention and fake love of so called friends. I have true friends and that is a gift. After a while when the drink doesn't seem to be the problem, well then for me it's growing pains. Pains that go all the way to THE EYE of my core.

Things that I have repressed for years, even life times it feels like. I understand now a little more on why I react the way I do. My emotions have been so crazy,,, Hurt, Love, Wonder, etc. Even thou I haven't drank in some time I still remember that gut wreaking pain of waking up the next day and saying WHY. I know why now God loves me, I may spend allot time alone right now, but I pray allot alone all day. I know what Love feels like and it is missed. God has a plan, I tell myself that everyday and I will until I totally believe it. In my heart I believe. Fear, sorrow, loss will equal light and love in the long run. The growing pains never stop, If you have One day or many years. All really have is the Here and NOW!

With Love Gail jersey shore girl.

Prayer Helps.

2010-02-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

I had a experience the other night for God to take that gut wrenching pain away. The feeling of loss, grieving and all that goes with heart ache. I prayed :

Please God take this pain from me.
Help me to continue to become a whole women again.
Let me not forget the Deep Love I felt.
For it is God that allowed me to share this world with all. And it is for his gifts that I see in sobriety, I'm still here on his journey! Love endures sacrifice for me... But you never know what God has in my future. Thank God it's not about the drink today that gets into my head !!!!!! Unconditional Love my animals have for me is something humans should really practice daily to make this a better world all around.

Waiting for the Thaw /// Gail jersey shore girl

Mind Wind

2010-02-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

Over Six years ago I stood helpless. (In Body & Mind ). I thank God everyday for MY second chance. Within this time Learning to connect with people again has been a journey for me. I'm so grateful to the program of AA for the people that have came in my life ,made a difference and continued on there own journey and SOME# just became apart of my New Life! The one thing I would here allot "Was after the first five years you reach a point where it's not about the Drink anymore". It's about how to overcome the fears,pains & The wind like thoughts that go Thur your head. The fear "CAN I " and then you tell yourself "You know you can". I have found a amazing source,canal, whatever it maybe, it is a way for me to try to calm those winds that blow Thur they really hurt sometime. In Sobriety I have learned now what it is like to have a core, the same core I would cover up with drinking or whatever. To cover the pain of Love Hurt Pressure Kids Etc.............................. especially after 8-9 Pm. when I drank those nights off from work would drive me crazy " Until I had a couple @ home and went out. Now I'm at a place where 9pm. I would love to just watch a show, Read, share a moment, touch. The winds that blow thur now are of Peace Love & Joy. The winds do have there own current "God and the universe in large" I have to depend on that source Just for today, just for the passing Mind Winds...

With all Light,Love God Bless The jersey shore girl-- Galewinds lol

2010-01-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

COME ON SUMMER!!!!!

What does love look like?

2010-01-27T19:49:00.000-08:00

The Art of Love what does it look like? Thinking back as far as I can I know I was shown love but the feeling remembered most is Wanting Love. When I think of Love as a young women I think of the beautiful things that God has allowed me too experience. The gifts of living sometimes are hard to remember when a hard time hits. Growing up and being a child of a alcoholic home and being one myself uses my tools against me sometimes. Have to keep corrected.
I'm a natural care taker, I see the good in all and in some I see the "good" God given person. The tools in AA teach me to not drink One Day At A Time. The program also showed me many feeling that I never felt sober until now. Love, Being One with another, also hurts and misplacement in my own soul.
I can recognize my Heart & Core of my body now and it's missing a beat.

" O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoles, as to console; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to exeral life.

Love is a beautiful special moment or time that God has so gracefully showed me.

After the dark comes light.

God Bless Gail

Up Close & Personal

2010-01-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

When my eyes are open I can see the LIGHT.
When my ears are open I can hear the untold WORDS>
With the divine energy that is carried though out the small time and space that we do have, Let us soak in the love & warmth of comfort.

By: Gail

Ice Kaying

2010-01-14T21:43:00.000-08:00

Vote for my photo in the simply cute photo contest!

2010-01-13T05:32:00.000-08:00

Vote for my photo in the simply cute photo contest!

2010-01-13T05:28:00.000-08:00

Vote for my photo in the simply cute photo contest!

Stillness

2010-01-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

If only we could learn from nature, "Be Still' for we are in a freeze and this too shall pass. I found for me this transition isn't easy. It's not about putting the drink down it's protecting the person I know I Am. Feelings, Emotion's, Love and hurt that's a big lesson but not always learned the first time.The connection with some people are amazing and to be re-connected with people you love and love you for you is a gift . The love I have found in the pass few plus years and to see what it is today I just pray. I'm opening my eyes again to see Gods beauty and to say thank you. I have to turn my love inward and love myself for the honest, loyal, trusting person that I am.
And someday have a person in my life with the same values. I hurt, I'm confused but One Day At A time..... I will continue to be a winner because I hang with the winners.
Till Later Light/ love Jersey Shore Girl... gail

The Core

2010-01-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

You know that pain from a tooth ache? Sometimes it can hurt to the core and you beg for help. You start to feel better and it's at the bottom of your list again, but still though of.
Well when i hit my bottom it was some-like that. Well now into the sixth year but who is counting ( I have a day at a time ) most day's I try. It is the emotional part. Fear, restless,like total surrender jumping into the void. What's on the other side only God knows. I have to count the blessings in my life and protect myself emotionally for what I have or may have left. I've been going to Al non and it seems to be helping, with restraint of pen and tongue. Heart and Soul is a totally different chapter. The Weller you get, the weller the people around you get!!!! Someone dear told me that along time ago. I NEVER FORGOT IT. It's true. Well till later Light and Love, Jersey Shore Girl Gail

2010-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

2010-01-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Ho Ho Ho first Christmas 2009 Angelina 4 months

Wheres my Spiritual Path?

2010-01-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

Where did it go, Spiritual ........ It has been a hell of a year. SO GLAD 2010 is here. I'm really tiring.
I've been though some growth that just Physical, Mentally, Emotional, bankrupted me. I really feel scared to death. One great thing is I didn't want to drink. It took me so long to let some things go of my past that it really stood in the way of my future. I have to reminded myself that GOD is in charge and he never let me down, it was just the opposite I let him down but he FORGAVE me unconditionally. What a gift. I have to leave Rob in Gods hands. Man I thought I would ever Hurt or should I say Love that deeply again like I do Rob. I know the real man.
My son Anthony Brittany and the baby still live here with me. I wish for them there own place. They where God sent this Holiday season this was the first Christmas and New Years I spent without Rob. I did promise when we moved in this house it would only be us, But things come up and when Family needs Family ( My Granddaughter ) Can someone please tell me how to just rip it off like a bandage and get on?????? God wills not mine be done!!!! Prayer helps and works!!!

2009-11-07T04:19:00.000-08:00

2009-11-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

Anthony and Angelina 1st. Halloween

WaterFall

2009-11-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

It is so funny I want to write and the only word that came to mind for a title was WATERFALL. It is this time of year again, winter is coming and the wind and cold I hate it, BUT I LOVE WHERE I'M AT!!!!. Allot of changes this Oct-Nov... Rob moved out again when the kids my Son Anthony, Brittany, and My granddaughter moved in. This year is different, I found myself saying six years sober " Why I'm I stilling doing the same thing in areas of my life and expect a different result. I think finally for once in my life I really need to be alone and sort Thur all my emotions. Fear, Jealous, Love and dislike. What a combo. I'm trying to take it piece for piece. I haven't drank, I have a beautiful granddaughter and we have a system " Pray for Anthony to get transportation so he can go back to work in NY" They really deserve there own place to experience the full joy of a family and the WORK of it. :} When it comes to my relationship with Rob it hurts, but at the same time I just want to choke him. Every time the relationship with us goes South it comes back and the same result. It wears you thin. Working it out separately and with a professional we may make it but for now I don't really trust what to do so I'm doing nothing. Trust and respect what happened to that. How do you get it back. I have to let GO and let god. sometimes easier said then done. Huggs and prayers Gail the south jersey COLD girl. :}

2009-10-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

2009-10-04T15:02:00.000-07:00

Anelina 12 Hours old.

2009-10-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

Boy It's been awhile.

2009-10-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

So much has changed sense my last post. It has been to long. I just celebrated Six years of sobriety :}. Oct. 1st. This year so far has been the most changing of them all. I made it Thur allot in this past time. After all these years I shared that Fear has me at times. My relationship with Rob seems to have burnt me out every time he has another episode of craziness it took more of me. I had enough. Well on a better note I became a grandmother for the first time Aug 28th. 2009 She is beautiful. Her name is Angelina Maria Berenato. I never felt a feeling like I did when I first looked into her eyes and she did the same. Instant connection. Rob moved our about 2 weeks ago and I have my Son, Brittiany, and grand daughter here. You know it's not that bad. I'm feared up about money sounds stupid I know but I work so hard and then in the winter it dies. Everyone Tell's me don't worry you will be OK. I've been honestly hitting my knee's at night and praying, That is something I didn't do on a regular basic before. I really have to let someone that has all power to take control, God...
This is a time in my life I think I'm gonna have to learn to trust. God and the Rooms are the only thing that keeps me sober. I must Let go and Let God.
One one gate closes another will open sometimes easier said then done to believe that. But my emotional Sobriety has too.

Peace

2009-04-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

Gifts:::::::::::::::::::

I have such a peace here, I moved and I found Peace.
Sitting here listening to the sea gulls the water it is just great. I've come along way in six years, I was the number one person who thought " I will never experience what I am now".... I was wrong..

Gail jersey shore girl..

2009-04-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

I'm home. I finally moved only six mins. South. Hahaa.

This is what it is all about. The rewards of belief and honest hard work. I never thought in my wildest dreams that one day I would be able to enjoy Gods gifts right in my back yard. It was almost six years ago when I was near death from drinking I didn't think so at the time "Of course I thought life was a long game with no winner". This is one of the rewards they preach about but I thought I would never get. never get. hahaa.. In Gods time, not mine. Boy that was proven. I would have never thought this six years ago.When all I wanted was to stay as far away from people as I could.I still love solitude but it is a at home finally in my life feeling. I just wanted to share that even thou we can't seem to see that light at the end of that LONG tunnel sometimes. But with Hope, Love, Peace and a power greater then ourselves on our side "Always" there is a flicker of light growing.

With Peace & Love " the jersey shore girl'
Gail

One Big Circle

2009-03-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hello, I haven't written in a while but glad to have the time too do it now.. Thank God!!
Lately I have had so many changes going on and just trying to do everything in a organized order That is crazy.. Hahaha.. I'm moving and I know I'm going to Love the location it is PEACE...
I really never realized how organization, change, and looking forward for something would make you think, but for me I has made me see just how far I've came and also how many fears I still have. They say the first Five years ( you get your marbles ) and the next five you (organize them) and the next Five you enjoy them and Thank God (Honestly). I know when I was drinking I hurt allot of people!!! maybe not physically but mentally!
I thought I knew by now how deep other peoples feeling are. The best amends I can do today is stay sober, and work on the emotional part. I have people in my life today that has seen my full blown fits from drinking and you know what they still love me today. There's people I know that just don't understand and forgive me but still blame themselves... If they could only trust fully again today to believe that it wasn't them it was a very sick me and by me being sick with alcohol I made everyone in my path sick!!
So I just Thank God all day when I think of it. And I TRY to be grateful because I really should be..

I'll write more later when I have more time..
God Bless & Good Health
love Gail The Jersey Shore girl

2009-01-26T06:22:00.000-08:00

My Pictures

2009-01-25T07:25:00.000-08:00

http://www2.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=235643867/a=82713717_82713717/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink

Check out my picture site..

Gail

2009-01-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

2009 Here we go!!!

2009-01-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while.. Well 2009 is off and going!! This is going to be the year of challenages. Along with that comes fear. So many people are out of work right now and things are getting tuff, but i still have to remain grateful for what I have today. This time of year I have to remember that and not just in the summmer (Which I miss sooooooo much). It would be so easy just to say heck with it, but I came to far to quit now. Drinking isn't my problem today, Living Sober minded can be hahahaa.. I'm responsible today and that makes so much of a difference in my life and it took time to get it, so I'm looking forward to the best this year can bring.

The changing tides of winter...

2008-12-06T05:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not a winter person this time of year I would work, and do all activities inside. I would drink, cook, entertain etc.. The drink was always there, it made me believe that I could do everything I do BETTER. But in truth it just slowed things to a drunken halt. I always started out with good intentions but i would then start running to the store for more alcohol and then make up stories to run to the bar the store the bar the store and then just the bar. The insane behavior that went on the life style of a bar with the people, pool tables, music attention that all seemed so right for me that was my life my best friends. I have to admit that sometimes I feel lonely without all the craziness that went on because the adnormal had become so normal for me. I have to sit back at those times now and think what is going on in my life that makes thats craziness look so appealing. Then I have to REMEMBER where that craziness lead me. I have allot of things in my life that takes up space in my head. My other half, My son, Money, stability, The promises of the program are true but sometimes the fears of insecurity still take up allot of my emotional soberity. I have to remember I don't have it as bad as some but I do have it different then the past. I have to remember that I will have a house of my own again someday as long as I believe in myself and trust God will do for me what I need. This time of year is always hard for me. Even thou I have 5 years plus in the program I'm still a human being with a past and issues, They don't go away over night. Hopefully my son is going into a rehab... Monday or Tuesday I really need to break from that worry. All the things in my head worry, resentments,hurt and fears are going to bring me down but I see them and work on them. They say To face fear you have to walk thur it and always remember I'm one drink away from being that person I was Five years ago. Fear for me stops my growth and I always need to maintain healthy growth, to learn. I need to learn how to understand life on a daily basic and remember I'm here as a tool to help whom ever wants it.
Well till next time.. The south jersey shore girl..... gail

Remember When!!!!

2008-11-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

Remember when life was so easy. All you had to do is clean your room come home at a certain time and listen to your parents? It seems like so many life times ago. Life has changed so much in the years. I remember when I had my first child and I was scared I would look at her and just think how she came out of me. Was I worthy of that? I always had the doubts of what I deserved. I remember feeling love for someone real love for the first time I didn't even realize it until alcohol took that all away. so many times I should have been dead either under the influence or just in crazy places. Traveling across country when I was young with no direction of where I was going. Now I'm older and forget about those times sometimes but I have to remember because those experiences had me what I am today. This time of year still is hard at times remembering the things I did with the kids and my ex-husband around the holidays, stringing pop corn and eating most of it, the thousands of lights we put up until the breaker blew, and always ending up drinking and passing out after the kids went to bed. I wonder what it would have been like sober? i never got that chance. But what I do have now is Three wonderful kids that love there mother and know today I will be there in a moments notice thats something they couldn't count on in the past. I would always be there for them but in my own alcoholic time. I know staying sober has been the best amends's I could have ever made to my Family and children but most important to God and myself. I think for me remembering is good as long as I don't rest on it and like it take up to much space in my head. I'm forever grateful for the gift God has gave me.
Till next time ( Remember ) Love the jersey shore girl.... Gail :}

Being Thankful

2008-11-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

I have to remember that even thou some crazy stuff has passed in the pass months I have to be Thankful that I'm able to live the way I do. I just came off a three week work binge and I helped my daughter move into there new home. It is beautiful.. I'm so happy for them and at the same time I'm missing the house I use to have. Back then it was a family project to decorate the house. The lights grew every year we could be seem at the moon hahahaa. My ex-husband would make something crazy and new and we bought more extention cords as the years went on. On Christams Eve everyone came for dinner all family and friends ( open house) I loved to cook for days and entertain. But drinking was always a part of that. I don't miss the embarassing times with the drinking or the horrible feeling the day after wondering what time did everyone leave did I pass out at the table? did I fight with my husband. I hate to think of all I did. and how I would do it now. I really ache for my own house again big enough to have family and friends come over. This year my son has to spend some time in jail for the stuff he did in soberity, just doing the same stuff expecting different results I have such a hurt in my heart for this kid. He really is a good soul thats lost. I told him I don't care how long he is away I will keep the tree up until he comes home to have Christmas. I have so much to be grateful for but I feel so lonely and empty sometimes. I live at the shore and love it, this is the time of the year when everyone is gone and some come to visit at holidays. This is a place filled with big beautiful homes that are empty. ( what a shame). I am grateful no madder how I feel to be sober. I still have issues with iosolation when I get like this. I know today i will go to a couple of meetings and spend time with family. I'm trying so hard to move forward with a healthy way of living with my other half and sometimes it is so confusing and I lack tolerence. My prayer for today is :
God,
Thank you for the gifts you give me everyday without a drink or drug.
Thank you for the beach to walk on and the roof over my head instead of a cold grave.
Thank you for the gift of children where some people don't have them and never will.
Thank you for the gift of being just who I am and not anyone else.
Please guide me to be the best person I can be just to today.
Please let me love better then to be loved.
Please let me see thur your eyes and follow your footsteps.
Please help me to just stay in today and move on to tomarrow when I day comes.
Thank you God.
Well until later Happy Thanks giving.
Love the jersey shore girl
Gail

anxiety

2008-11-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

My life like everyones has allot of twists and turns. I've been working allot and when I don't go to meetings in a few days I feel like I forgot to take my medicine. Anxiety can become a very big part of me at times. I have learned that lack of Humility can lead me to anxiety. When I try to do my will instead of leaving it in the hands of a person or persons that are more qualified I take on the stress. It was explained to me "Perhaps you where on a plane and very nervous and anxious to start, the pilot comes on the speaker and says" Welcome aboard sit back relax and enjoy the flight. Thats when Humility sets in should I be riddled with stressed out thoughts or should I just let go and let the person more qualified just fly the plane. Being humble letting go of what I cannot control. When i try to do everything myself I get stressed out instead I have to humble myself and let go and let God. I've been Thur some crazy stuff lately and I would be lying to say resentment hasn't set in at times. When this happens I have to pray Thur it and talk Thur it or my head will just go on it's own path. Lack of Humanity is my gateway to anxiety. This lesson took me five years to see and it's going to take practice to practice it. Thank God I have a program that doesn't require perfection.
Well until next time God bless & "Keep your head up and face the world head on"
Love and prayers, Gail ( The shore jersey shore girl"

Thee Obsession

2008-11-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about when I hit my final bottom with my drinking. i meant up with a friend of mine for 30 years this is the first time she ever saw me sober and her husband has been sober for some 24 hours now. He ask me " Was the obsession to drink lifted from you right away when you really where ready for it?" I've been thinking of that. you know when I finally had enough of the abnormal being so normal for me and watching my daily life just become what it was, when I truly surrendered to drinking it was lifted. What wasn't lifted right away was living in my own skin and wanting a better life JUST FOR ME,,, not for the husband,kids,etc.. because at first i thought being sober would have brought those things back but it bought back just want I was suppose to get and what a life. I still struggle with everyday living things but I now know that is just life.

Till Later Love gail ( the jersey shore girl}..

Pink Cloud Maybe???????

2008-10-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

Well I've been handling everything pretty good, I have my moments. The Pink cloud stage where everything is just right with God and then the times WHY did all this happen. God seems to be keeping it green for me and showing me that it is time to work and be in the program instead of just being around the program. I can do all the service I want and talk, share,etc.. But if I don't see and understand the steps that are given freely to me all that service is what it is just duties. It took me five years to understand what most of these steps are showing me. A new way of life and I've been tested and you know it works with me doing the action to make it work.
I don't know what is ahead but then thats not my job I'm finally learning what it takes to take it day to day. I wake up and thank God for another day today and just ask for the willingness to see what he is trying so hard to show me. For today I'm just following his will.. Whats going to happen is going to happen, I have to look out for me.. God first, Me second, other people Third... without that I'm no good to no one..

Till next time peace and love... Gail (the south jersey girl).

His time not mine

2008-10-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

I've been going thur some stuff, and I've noticed that it is really rewarding to love instead of being loved, To forgive then to be forgiving, and to love without understanding everything. I know that God has a plan and in his time will ONLY that plan be revealed. It might not get what I want or hope for. Or it could be the happiest thing I could ever imagine. It took me Five years to understand Love, forgiveness, and to have strength beyond my wildest dreams to deal with heart jerking situations and I still struggle when I get into my own head. God Grant Me The Serenity just for today to be willing to walk with my head up high and to accept the things and people that I cannot change, The courage to live in me skin and be able to tolerate it, and the wisdom I get from a power greater then myself, The room that are filled with people just like me and to borrow the energy of others and to give it away when needed. I know what heart break is I lost everything and slowly I gained back what God wanted me to have. I've been in a relationship with a man I love dearly for over four years and he is suffering from a manic disorder and it got out of control he lived a duel life for 7 weeks, (with someone else) he's 11 years sober and now begging for help. Thur this God has taught me the lesson on loving instead of being loved, and forgiveness... YES this hurts and my sick drinking head wants to go rip everyone a new ass, but I cannot act like that today. I feel for the other person today and him and myself. But as a friend,lover,partner and a member of AA I reach out and help the people today that ask for help regardless on how I feel because we are all children of God and no one is perfect but him. I was so surprised at myself I cried with my sponsor and got myself together. I didn't get sober to hate,resent,or feel sorry for myself. I know in my heart whatever is meant to be will be but not in my time. We all do stupid stuff and it is true the Pain is REALLY a touch tone to growth. The true miracle today is that I didn't even think of drinking,drugging, or killing myself. What a gift God and this program has given me and I will forever be grateful.
Till later God Bless and take the days as they come...
Love Gail ( South Jersey Shore Girl )

God doing for me what I cannot do for myself

2008-10-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Thank God i have a program and a great support system. I've been going thur some great emotional family stuff.Thanks to the program and God I'm pretty sure that it is keeping me sane. The love of my life is a duel personality and my son is the same it all came to a head this week and I didn't think od drinking or using. I'm holding it together that is a mircle.. I have a trust in myself these days that I've never had before it is amazing. I will write more later..

with Love & Prayer,,, The jersey shore girl Gail

2008-10-18T07:34:00.001-07:00

Missing my aol friends...

2008-10-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

How do they find you when you move your journal??? Isn't there a notification tool to send alert of journal moved to blogger??

Self Worth

2008-10-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Self worth is something I have to review in my self. I sometimes have a way of being unworthy, The take care of everything nature sets in and sometimes I forget about myself and then I feel less then when in truth I'm not.Getting Thur the trials of getting sober mentally,physical & spiritually isn't always easy. Physically I cleaned up well but the guilt and losing everything took time. Still to this day I feel a piece missing. I was always a one person person and in my recent relationship to have four years go by and it is now on a break because I can't commit to get married I was always faithful, and I couldn't just toss my son which is 21 and in recovery three months to find out into the street. I always thought loving someone was loving everything about them or at least excepting it. i'm just feeling alittle lost right now but I do know that I'm worth everything God has put in my path, I just don't act on it all the time ( I have to work on that). My recovery is always going to be work and action. I don't ever want to forget wgere I came from and what I lost to get to the point I'm at now. I'm grateful to have people love and trust me today. I can go and have fun sober and remember the next day and not be embarrassed to answer my phone to here I did something awful. I have my down moment but I have to remember I'm right where I should be, I'm heart broken but this to shall pass I know God has a plan for me ,, and you never know giving Time,,, Time it might all work out wonderful.. No one knows but the Big guy.. Well until the nest time With Love The jersey shore girl: Gail

Being Me

2008-10-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

Being me sometimes isn't easy. I have a alcoholic mind that has cleared up a little in five years but also wants to be just right. I know I will never be perfect and never would want to be, but I have to let go of tiresome dreams and just be me. I'm a honest good woman that deserves much better then just existing. I had a relationship that I sunk everything into in the past four years just to be alone and let down. I thought I would never love again after my ex husband but I did. ( Here we go again). But this time I have a program of AA behind me and allot of great people. It is still hard at times, when Rob calls I just don't know what to say. He is following his work dream and working on him. I'm trying to do the same but maybe men just show there feeling in a different way then women, I don't know. He just says give time time. I don't want what I had with him I want healthier. My son is still in limbo there is no program to help him in his mental health problems because he is drug free and in recovery what a kick in the ass, they don't want you under the influence but if your sober they don't want you either. It was suggested for him to try Job Core where he can get his GED and further his education because he is so talented when it comes to cars, bikes, engines, and racing which is his dream. But he is looking at 180+ days in jail for driving on the suspension times 5.
I have a good program of people around me and I try to get involved it is hard sometimes because I can't leave the house for long periods of time without the worry of something happening with my son or house. He is 21 and I would love to have my life back but until he starts getting his I'm on the back burner. I pray to be happy totally with just me one day I'm getting close but it is a long block to cover. I pray to love again someday and have someone whom respects me for me. I'm a very physically worker but I clean up great. I pray for peace, happiness, and the willingness to except whatever comes my way.
Thank you for your responds out there It makes me feel so much better when I know I'm not alone in my feat.
I still don;t know how to transfer my whole jouranl onto another site so I printed it all out so I have it. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
Until next time,, The South Jersey Shore Girl.. Love Gail xxoo:)

Well 5 years and working on another day!!!!

2008-10-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well Oct. 1st made 5 years of sobriety for me. This is one anniversary I won't forget. i've been in a relationship for almost 4 years with the man of my dreams but with time everything changed. We have made it thur hard times before but it always comes down to the choice my son or the relationship. Me being beat down by the words from my partner I'm not respectful in following the rules of the man of the house. My option is wrong and theres are right, I have no voice. I always thought the Man of the house worked came home relaxed and feed comfort and stability in the household. I the woman took care of the house, worked, payed bills and keep food and everything running smooth. I don't know if I'm right or wrong? My partner became a raging person, verbal abuse, and very unpredictable. I'm a honest and loyal person and I trust I've lost that in him. I wish I could find it again. ( My sponsor tells me wish doesn't belong in my vocabulary). I'm sad and confused about the future. I live at the shore and work hard to stay here, I'm self employed and have to keep up on where money is coming from next. I was working toward our future but Rob just upped and moved to PA to follow his career, he had a great job here. he is chasing the money and just went. He blamed it on my son which is living with me and is clean and sober for 5 months now. He is looking into a program for mental health and going to consoling a couple times a week until he can go. My mom didn't give up on me and I can't give up on my son. I understand the rules have to be set but walking around my house on egg shells is not a way to live. I'm grieving but in the same sense I welcome not walking on egg shells. I been going to meetings everyday. One amazing thing is Not once did I want to Drink that is a miracle.. I know this too shall pass but getting thur it can be hard and frightening. I ask for pray please , .
They say when one door shuts another will open with Gods help I do believe in that BUT still very frightened . I pray someday I will look back at this and say WOW I made it thur it. But for now I have to take it One Day At A Time and pray pray pray..
Thank you for letting me vent I miss journaling and I have to start committing myself to it again.
I love yeahs.. God Bless
Till next time South Jersey Shore Area. Gail

Letting go

2008-08-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well it has been hard lately to Let go and let happen whats suppose to happen in life. My son is back living with me and has 4 months clean and sober I can't help but be worried all the time. He is working now and is on his way to court this morning to face some of the wreckage of his past but is it the past or is it just going to recurre again? I stress all the time. I went and signed for a motorcycle for him so he would have transportation back and forth to work I knew in my heart that this was going to become more then this. he is on that bike 24-7. I'm scared. It has been so hard to let go and let God, even to say that is hard these days. I'm tired all the time and feel like I'm going in circles. I'm coming up on 5 years sober and it was much better the first couple of years. I go to meeting all the time but when I come home and here what Rob has to say and then Anthony's stuff it just cancels any peace that I may find. I really don't know what to do. I'm getting to old to have to worry all the time. I work hard and cannot sleep. Please keep Anthony in the prayers to clean up the road that took so much time to mess up. He is 21 and sober I just want to see a normal life for my child.

Wow it's been awhile

2008-07-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

Wow its been awhile sense i wrote in this journal. I'm still sober coming up on Five years just got so tied up into life that i forgot where my life started hahaa.. Life is busy and I'm feeling grateful today the things that materialized in these past years are something else. I'm proud to say that my trouble child Anthony is now clean & sober for 90 days after hitting a horrible almost deadly bottom, and now has his own journey to go on. he looks and seems so different this time, I pray.. I have a friend in the program that i watched come in and grow for two years now and she is just wonderful and to be around long enough now to see someone else blossom is such a miracle. Summer is here my favorite time of the year and my busiest but i love it. I stuggle to stay in One day at a time but working on it. I want to try to get back into my writing I didn't realize that i missed it so much ( my time for me) and to reach out to people that understand me in whatever spills out.. lol.. i pray everyone is doing good I'm so blessed to be sober. My daughter was married on may 16th what a gift to be sober to attend that event. I took advice from someone special she told me before you walk into the room and face the ex-hubby and new wife people from my past and the fantasy of the big party just Let God walk in before you he will be your best escort you know it work.. A drink never came into my mond and the wedding was beautiful even with the little stuff that goes wrong in the course of a event & to add it rained Hard all day and night but it was ok.. Thank you God for helping me and thank you to my family in the rooms of AA for helping me with my LIFETIME journey..
Until next time Love you all::: Gail {jersey shore girl}...

Great Picture of Rob

2008-01-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

New Years 2008

2008-01-19T06:57:00.000-08:00

2008-01-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Happy new year... Let this one be the one.. Happy 2008

Does Time Heal???

2007-11-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

Well I've been sober for a little over 4 years now and time does heal some hurts. Hurts and hates i thought i would never get over I did in TIME. But some regrets are harder then others. God has a way of keeping certain people in your life for some reason. I never realized why I had a hard time getting into a new relationship and three years later now I know, Somethings take more time then others. They say when you come into the program no relationships for one year they should change that to four years.
Past hurts like loss of a marriage family splitting up and heart break can be cured with a easy fix by replacing it with someone else but in the long run the old wounds never heal and they just carry over into any new relationship that is started. i never really got over the loss of my marriage and home, having to start out all over again after 18 years alone it has not been easy. I still find myself stir crazy in my head sometimes. I pray.. & pray, I know today that this will pass the roller coaster ride they talk about doesn't end in the first year, I think it starts in the fourth. I have the not drinking down but emotional soberity is just important as being sober.
At the shore it gets boring in the winter and meetings get small the ocean gets cold and I still have to learn to overlook those defects and remember the positive like for example where was i 4 1/2 years ago.. With that thought I'm going to start my day all over again ' Thats the great thing about being sober WE CAN START ARE DAY OVER AGAIN AT ANYTIME!!!
Talk to you all later, With Love Gail ( jersey shore girl ).

My silent prayer

2007-10-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
Please help me except everyday as it is, and no more.
Please help me not to read things into other peoples statements.
Please help me for a lifetime to free myself from bondage of self. Please God help me understand and except things as they are dealt to me. Please help me keep my eyes open to everything you put in my path via' awake or asleep. Thank you for tomorrow in advance for just One Day At A Time I seek. Please hold me accountable for my actions today for when i was in my addiction I wasn't accountable for nothing. Please don't ever let me forget the days of gloom and be forever grateful for the life I have today. Please comfort the people out there still suffering in there addiction and let us in recovery forever work for you.
Thank you for my Family, Children and love I have in my life today. And last but not least Thank you for Oct. 1st. 2003 when you gave me a second chance on life. I'm now 4 years clean and sober.. Thank you!!!!!

Love you all: South Jersey Girl Gail
P.S Thank you for my wonderful trip to Ohio To see my friend of 20 years ( Now we are both sober ) what a blessing. I love it out there.. Goodnite

2007-09-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

2007-09-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

Tags: Baby Ospreys growing up.

2007-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tags: Full Moon Cape May NJ

Summer is going to Fast.

2007-08-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Tags: Stone harbor NJ

Step One

2007-08-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

It's always nice to be reminded that I'm powerless over situations. As time goes by it is easier to be alone. Rob is still in Bal. MA and things don't look like it's going to work out. I have to remember that I'm powerless not just over drinking but over what God has in store for me. It sounds allot easier then it is. I want the life with a loving man 2.2 animals and peace and serenity, But peace and serenity and my animals I have now just might be enough for me. Relationships if I could do it all over again, i would have not gotten into one for a few years. Even though my other half is in the program I now understand when they say some are sicker then others. I see now how a unsettled or uncleaned and dealt with past can destroy the future. i gave my all into my relationship with Rob but all thous old haunts of his just can powering at me and I THOUGHT I could fix it ,( Fix everything) hahaha that's what we want to do. But Step One " I'm powerless over alcohol & other people places & things. God put this alone time in my life for me to learn. My learning processes aren't always Kind & gentle , it seems to hurt emotionally then i grow. Pain is the touch tone of growth i do believe that now. " It took me a few years" lessons are learned on a daily basic and my life is growing from it. It is lonely, depressing & quiet but I'm learning now what could be healthy for me and what is not. It is as hard as the lesson of saying NO, which i still have to work at. Well just for today I'm going onward and being strong and tomorrow I'll TRY to worry about that when it get here. Thank you for letting me spill my heart & I pray it will help someone that is going thur the same or about too. Time means Time. I never gave myself enough of it.
Taking it Day 2 Day " One Day At A Time"!!!

Love you all: The jersey shore girl Gail

So many changes

2007-07-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry i haven't written in a while. So many changes like all my dreams are fading away some faster then others.My son moved out about a month ago he came back to stay with Rob & I and just did nothing so now my ex-husband stepped up to the plate and is helping and Anthony seems to be doing better I still can't believe a word he says but I try. Then Rob moved out and the wedding is off he said our relationship is toxic and he can't stand my son well I'm a mother and my kids are my kids. He now lives 50 miles away and I can't believe anything he says anymore either. Rob seems to have had a bottom in soberity 10 years sober 52 years old and has 50 dollars in the bank and possibly no job sense he moved his life has taken a turn. We had a nice night last Sat.. trying to make time to fix things but come monday i had hurt my back L5 & S1 are compressed and I have allot of pain. I started to talk to Rob just saying if he doesn't live here anymore then he cannot just show up anytime he wants too. Well I snapped and thur the rest of his stuff out and said some mean things. Things that where bottled up for so long. He ammitted he has mentally abused me for three years and he has to work on that and that he loves me. But like tonite he came down to help me because i really coulodn't do anything and it seemed like he helped got money left me a check and left and went home when I was sleeping. I feel used. Boy it is funny how time changes 6 months ago I was putting the final touches on our wedding and now I'm fighting to get some of the 5000 dollars i put out for it. I said i would never give my heart to anyone after my husband and now in soberity i did and look what happened. I've had a rough time this week I have so much pain with this back and my left leg that I just want it to go away. It is real hard sometimes to stay sober when you hurt so bad physically & emotionally but I am. I have four years sober and what a adventure, I pray Please God Put Some Peace in my life or just take me. I'm so tired .. I know this will pass but the growing pains are increidable. Please just say a pray for me to get thur all this stuff.

I'm busy this time of year with my business and this is the worst time to get hurt.

I'm still going to persue my job back at a hospital or center sometime I just need a kick in the ass but not right now i have to get thur all this stuff first and clear my head some. I really miss that love feeling and dreams i had for the future. Well until later Love you all:

Love Gail ( the jersy shore girl )

Changes

2007-06-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here quite. Allot has changed in the past month or so, It feels like it was overnite. Well my son moved out oh yeah he moved back in about a month and a half ago. Again I wanted to try to give him a fresh start all he had to do is get a job. Well summer time at the shore and he is 20 years old and in 4 weeks NO job, He started back in the habit of the girlfriend spending the night every night ( she is a nice girl ) and sleeping till whenever in the day and with all the other stresses which my relationship falling apart and everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. I told my son he had to leave. He is now staying with my Ex-husband ( Thank God he stepped up to the plate) Anthony isn't even his real son but he is the only father Anthony has ever had. Well Anthony is gone now and he has a big chip on his shoulder, The last words he said to me where Go F--- yourself, Nice uh. It hurts to have one of your kids talk to you like that. Rob & I are taking a break and he moved the day after. He has a office at the shore twice a week so he is here now sleeping I'm having a hard time forgiving & forgetting ( I can't) I need lots of time. I canceled the wedding ( wow allot has changed in the past months ). I really don't know how I feel Just numb & angry. Time alone will be good I don't even know myself anymore. Maybe I never really did know myself I guess it's time to find out.
I didn't drink thats a miracle I started stepping up the meetings and I do have some great friends.
My daughter and I are where talking about relationships and she mentioned that her friend got into a relationship and forgot everybody around her. Totally consumed with the guy she is with. You know I realized then I did that. I stopped going places with my friend and I was never available even to chat on the phone in general conversation. I lost touch.So what I'm doing now is reconnecting my life. I'll be 45 on Monday the 11th and I guess it is mid age depression or whatever but all I think about sometimes is how my life is half over. Someone told me time to start live and i looked at them like they where crazy. I have to redirect my thinking, I just don't know how to do it. And my sponsor is a great help I love her but she has her own stuff going on right now, She ownes a business and is busy busy busy this time of year at the shore you make it or have a very long winter. I just wanted to write, I've been praying to God to help me pray because I was evn mad at him. I have enough time now to know this will pass but my thought pattern isn't complete without the fellowship sometimes ( For example times like this ). Well thanks for letting me share my small problems compared to some my life is just rocky right now but it can be allot worse if I drink and give up.. Love you all Gail

Winter Melt away:

2007-04-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well thank God for Sunshine, I was getting Gloomy with all this crazy weather. Well thank God We changed our wedding date to Oct. 7th we where suppose to be married on April 15 and we where hit with a major Nor Eastern, LOl funny how things work out. I'm sitting here thinking about where did the time go my God my youngest Son is going to be 18 I remember when I was drinking I couldn't wait for the time to go. I always said that when the last one is 18 I'm free. Boy what i missed. I was very active with my kids but NOT a morning person if you get what i mean. and not home at night. I had that Bartender life. 25 years of it. ( i don't know how I survived ) or better yet how the people around me survived. It is sad to think I wished time away, now I look at it like a wish granted each day. It was funny i came home tonite i have two ferrets and a cat you would think a baby field mouse would have committed suicided trapped in this house, but No they where playing I was so amazed i just sat and watched. you know ANIMALS do have such a loving outlook on life all they know is love, fun.eat,sleep,poop,lol I want to come back as a loving animal without knowing all the choices and screw ups humans have and do. Time is flying, I happy to be sane and sober today to enjoy the time i have now. With Love & Huggs ( Gail ) jersey shore girl

The meaning of Family

2007-02-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

I was going Thur some pictures trying to put a album together. It dawned on me that Love is very important in Family but there is so much more. My kids are growing up so fast they are all almost of age now. I realized that I can Love all I want but what makes a strong relationship is Honesty, Time, and to listen just like when I got sober I had to listen. By listening I've learned so much about the different personalities my children possess. When I was drinking and a wife and mother of three I listened most to those little voices in my head that told me { get the kids together, Feed them, Make sure you vacuumed so the house looks good, cook something and at the end of the day when everything was done look for a excuse and go drinking just to wake up feeling like shit with a short temper and just going Thur the motions.} What a dead life I had for me and my family that was totally innocent. What a powerful disease.
I was talking to my youngest son before and telling him I went to the doctors today and she said my Blood pressure was great and everything looks good and he asked: Didn't you always have a uncontrolled problem with your blood pressure and I told him yes I did because I was drinking and The night before I went to the doctor back then I would try not to drink and then double up on my meds to get Thur the visit without a trip to the hospital. {EVEN DOING THAT i WAS ALWAYS AT STROKE LEVEL} but not today. The power of time is amazing and the little voices still once in a while talk to me and ask me " why not just one?" but I know today it is the evil trying to get me back to that dead shell of a person WAS. Today when listening to people or the kids I can tell if something is wrong, I can hear pain, happiness,joy,& excitement Thats something That drinking took away from me at the age of 44 I'm really learning what life is all about and boy I never thought i would make it Thur my California days and the 20's drinking & in my 30's being insane but you know I did and people listened to me and told me Gail we will love you till you love yourself and you know what they did and I now tell people the same thing. Watching the transformation in people lost souls coming alive again is a gift . A gift from God and the program of AA . Think Think Think also comes with Listen Listen Listen.. Never give up hope !!!!!! Love you all Gail ( the jersey shore girl)..

Two of the deadly evil's

2007-02-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well tonite at the meeting they asked for topics" I brought up self-esteem & pride. Two of my evils. I have had a rough couple of weeks just with a combo of stuff and my pride tell me " Gail just do everything yourself" well thinking about that reminded me when I went on False self-esteem that alcohol gave me " that I was greater then anything" when really I was as sick as they came with alcohol. My pride told me it was ok to be sick because to me the abnormal became normal . Well I pray everyday thous days are gone, and so far so good. I have to make sure I make the meetings because I can get caught up in life and with the constance changes which are normal to life sometimes to a alcoholic changes is all it takes to set your head spinning in all direction. Like I always remind myself " the question" " Is it resentments in life I ponder or is it re sensing the past that bothers me? Reflections on the past can haunt me, I'm trying to make amends . But sometimes I just don't know how to start. So the start I'm going to continue is staying SOBER and the rest will follow. I loved seeing my Son Karl today I'm so proud of him, that kid really holds himself up he always did. But we all weaken sometimes and thats OK sometimes a weakness has made me MUCH stronger in my path of life and the most pain stake times have allowed me to lower my pride and ask for Help when I most need it Thank you God.. So for me Pride is good & important but it can also be MY silence killer. Till next time God bless goodnite, Love Gail (jersey shore girl) :>

They Grow Fast

2007-02-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

Boy the kids grow fast. I can across this picture and boy if I could turn back time. I love my kids with all my soul. I'm so proud of them. My youngest son Karl is really growing up ro be a special man. I looked at him today and thought what a great father & husband he is going to be someday. I saw a look in his face today, I felt his thoughts spinning around in his head That look when someone asks you " What are you thinking about?" and you say nothing. In a way I almost wanted him to get some of the anger out about the past. I know he has to feel hurt and anger but he is such a Good kid he just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. God blessed me and now I ask God to bless them, My kids are the best gift to me next to my soberity.. Thank you for the second chance. Love gail the jersey shore girl...

2007-02-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

2007-02-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
-Dirissy

Life is seasonal constance change>

2007-02-09T06:29:00.000-08:00

Well another twist in the always changing life. Alot has been going on. One good thing is my kids and I are really coming together. The wedding is off... Rob said he has to go find himself. Well everything happens for a reason. I wonder was I really looking forward to the wedding or was I just fantasizing about the experience. I realized nothing is worth coming between my kids. I have three kids that need and want me in all three different ways at different times, As a women I can mutitask which in my belief Men cannot. It just worn me down when I had someone dictating to me on how to handle my children when they haven't been around theres in 11 years. I love Rob but I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet either. One thing about MY recovery is that I am the GREATEST LIAR TO SELF. The feelings I had two years ago where nice but alot weaker then the control and feelings I have today. the only way I can explain it is that I have changed grown up and realized that Time is mandatory as much as I wanted to do everything overnite it was just another mind fart. My middle son needs different care then the rest. My daughter is a great kid and has her stuff together my youngest son is smart and handles things in a adult manner and then you have Anthony he is in recovery and he is ME. scary when you see yourself in your kids, There is times I do tell him call me when you get a real problem he is 19 years old and calls me when his girlfriend won't get up out of bed lol/ I tell him and he has to learn on his own that he has a life and so does the million of other people around him. As much as he gets my goat I'm always there when he really needs me and ALWAYS WILL BE. Loniness is scary but being crazy and stressed out is worse. As a women I can go run to find myself, i have animals and a house which now my land lord is selling and I have to move April 1st. Thats ok I can't worry about it just keep moving ahead. I have to try to get back some of this money I put out for the wedding etc.. Sometimes I can't help feeling used but then I have to remember I allowed this, I am Responsible for my actions today and the lesson was to THINK THINK THINK now I know what they mean : Think things thur with you head not always your emotions. I have allot ahead of me my Ex-husband has cancer he is only 42 and the kids are holding strong. I pray everyday that something comes up to fix him because he really is a good man. But one good note I DON'T DRINK TODAY and I can handle ANYTHING that is to come my way.. Like it or Not . I have to remember I'm not in control of this life plan God is and he does things for a purpose . Most times I don't understand the purpose till after the fact but there ALWAYS IS A PURPOSE. I'm a women, Strong, Tender,Bitchy at times, Multitasking person the only thing different with me compared to some women is that I'M SOBER.. Love you all Have a wonderful day.. Love gail ( the jersey shore girl )..

Time can heal!!!!

2007-02-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone I'm here to tell you Time can Heal

T=This

I=I

m=Must

E=earn !!!!!!!!

I had a nice day with my youngest son, Boy he is growing into such a great young Man.. I'm so proud. I was brought back to memories of when all I would talk about was my ex-husband boy now that I think about that what hurt it must of brought to my kids. At the time I was totally heart broken and thought life could never go on but Time heals Life did go on. I still get sad and think of the way it was when my family and I where together and the softball days and school trips etc.. But I look at my kids now and they are growing growing up. They make decisions now for themselves and come forward with problems of there own today instead of all ours. Everyone survived. I look back what I would have done different One thing for sure I would been there when my kids went to bed I would have made sure dinner time was special,, and all that stuff . The only way I could have done those things where to put the drink down and it took over my life. I'm so grateful today that I don't need that drink and I'm not embarrassed to say so . Say That Drinking for me is out of the question,, and I'm forward to let people know what happened to me and it is a disease that is totally controlling. I look back at this journal from when I first started it and tell you the truth I see life come alive. Even thou I put the drink down over three years ago three years ago I just wanted to die. I lost everything that ever mattered to me. I loved my family so much but one drink and I'm rude, hurtful,mean & un sensible and by true nature I'm totally opposite. Time heals not only other people that where hurt by my addiction but It changed me into the caring woman that I am today. Thank you everyone for loving me when I was unsolvable & unreliable & Unfit to love.. Thank you God!!

Your's Truly "The jersey shore girl-" Gail

Spinning Head

2007-01-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep so much has been happening . It'd hard to believe that I had 3 years sober and my head is spinning like it was yesterday. I wrote my fourth step it took along time and I have it tucked away at my sponsors house we will go over it when the time is right. The feelings of guilt has been just overcoming me at times. I had some great news and bad news all within two days of each other. For anyone that has read this journal from the beginning I was sickened with the thought of never having my family back together ( husband, kids, house, etc. ) Well some I didn't get back and some have become so much better. My kids and I have a relationship now and the good news was that my youngest son invited me to go to his counseling session with him, I was so happy ( but feared up at the same time) my husband which now is my ex-husband moved on ( married someone he worked with). Thats hard to take sometimes but it happened. Well I found out that he has been diagnosis with liphnote gland cancer and the outcome is harsh. It is breaking my heart. I had all these overrunning thoughts of how I was when i was drinking and how rotten I was. He would need help and I would laugh it makes me sick to think about what kind of person I WAS. I'm not that person at all today. Alcohol made me a monster. I have alot of guilt and at the same time Rob and I put the wedding off for awhile ( maybe until Oct. ) because there is just to much stress and things going on right now. Everything seems to happen all at once. I know God never puts more on your plate then you can handle but my plate seems to be too small sometimes. The what if's, I should of, I wish I know doesn't belong in my vocabulary but it is hard to dismiss them at times.. I have to Remember tomarro's session with my son is about him not me. ( In my head I'm already defending myself.) I have a curse some call it a gift I just know when bad stuff is going to happen, I've been telling my X for months something is wrong when something is wrong the people in harms way they will haunt my dreams now that I found out whats wrong the dreams stop it's crazy but when I tell Rob I have a bad feeling he hides, haha..... I just feel so sad but grateful at the same time. Sometimes I think " What would my life be IF I never drank? " Dunno. Grateful to be sober today.. Love you all Gail ( The jersey shore girl)

2007-01-02T15:35:00.000-08:00

My pride and joy.. First time in a few years I had all three kids in front of the Tree, What a wonderful gift....

Tis the season::

2006-12-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

Tis the season!! Boy I don't know what is wrong with me, I've been a bitch of bitches. I've been so depressed and don't know why. Maybe it's this time of year, my ex-husband and youngest son haunt my dreams it is crazy. I would have been married going on 20 years but we broke up due to my walking out and drinking at the time.We haven't been together in 4 years but it still feels like I morn him and my past marriage. He is re-married but i don't believe he is happy he did it on the rebound. now I'm planning on getting married and I'm scared to death thinking what if ? Is this the right thing to do or the right time? I'm full of fear which in turn makes me unbearable. I'm trying to snap out of it but my fairy tale wedding is turning into a stormy day already. I'm just stuck. I've been shopping my blues away NOT GOOD I'll need another 12 step program soon lol.Well it feels good just to get this out I just have to snap out of it. Happy Holidays to everyone and KEEP IN GOOD HEALTH.. lOVE YOU ALL GAIL the jersey shore girl... thats another thing the beach is freezing

sleep or no sleep

2006-11-13T23:47:00.000-08:00

Well it is another night and no sleep. I haven't slept at night in so long I forget what it was like. I have this sleep problem and I've tried everything but I just can't sleep. Ever sense I've gotten sober I have been up every other hour and now I just don't sleep. My doctor has tried everything in the past and nothing works and I've tried everything over the counter and nothing works I get so crazy even my ferrets and cat are sleeping (not me) well I'm going to try to read a little and see what happens.. Till later Gail

memory lane

2006-11-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

Well lately like always it is hard to sleep, I've tried everything, everything but a 4th step.. I've tried in the pass months to sit and write but my life seems to jump from one life to another. So many things I forget and then I have stupid dreams and it all comes to me that part of my life. My life seems like a jig saw puzzle sometimes and some of the pieces just don't fit. I decided to just write a personal book of my life and share it with my sponsor someday if I ever get it all together. I see other people that say a 4th step cleared there passageway and they could think more clearer. I still resent the fact that my ex-husband and I can't be friends he just won't talk to me. All those years to be with someone even thou he remarried I just don't seem to understand that he now has another person controlling him. He settled down with what he let go. He married a women with three kids and dominate I had two kids and dominate and both us women drank I don't anymore but they do. It just puzzles me. The closer I get to getting married the more these feelings come up and it is so unfair to Rob he has been great . I've been a bitch and I don't mean too that is just not me. I go hot and cold I think I'm afraid of marriage the thought of failing just old haunts. I have to get it together and people outside the program just don't understand, I don't want kids at my wedding and my family is upset over that but this place is just not the place for kids and there is only 50 people max.. limit, Then I have heard from some that why do it again you already had your wedding days, its not like your having kids or anything, and then i also heard that being married on the beach doesn't even count because it's not in a church.. It is all so frustrating. I have to write about this stuff to get it out and hopefully God will send me a answer. If not a answer on how to handle this a answer on letting go resentments. Well until next time I will keep moving ahead One Day At A Time... Love the jersey shore girl. Gail

Season changes so do I.

2006-11-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

Well it's getting to be that time of year. IT IS COLD burrrrrrrrrr.... We in Nj get teased one day it is 70 and tonite it is 20.* It is my slow time of the year now and year round work that I have keeps me going until April,,, this time of year i get depressed but then I sit back and think how lucky I am today. I have to remember to be graitful for everything I have and do. My daughter is so into the wedding plans it is funny, she has me booked up with every vender down to the hour this coming tuesday. She is a trip. I love her. Robs kids are happy too and all working on saving money for there trip from fla. to come to the wedding in april. Wehave a confirmed date. April 15 th (tax day hahaa) at 430 pm on the beach at the cape may point Iam just taking it day to day because I can get myself crazy in a min... if I look to far ahead. I'm trying not to worry about money so much that is what I do best in the winter but it just gets me crazy. I'm trying to just remember that God will take care of us and lead us to where we are to be. I do get stressed I even thought of going back to work at the hospital but with all the crap that goes on I don't know I miss the patiences and working with the sick but I don't miss all the upper manger crap. Well I guess the best thing to do right now is just be gratiful that I have choices today and I'm sober and can act on them.. Well God Bless until next time KEEP WARM Love Gail ( jersey shore girl/

2006-11-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

winter is coming

2006-10-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Some preview of future plans....

2006-10-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well today my daughter and I went to cape may point to see about the wedding plans. Nick & Rob where into it too. We went and looked at the reception place ( Union Hall) built in 1914 it is unbelievable. Well we all agreeded on the reception April 16th (sunday) 2007. The plans so far are Susan my maid of honor and I will be picked up at the homestead and take a horse and carriage about 3/4 a mile down beach blv.. to sunset beach it is a location that is three sided by ocean with the capemay lighthouse in the distance , and when we arrive she will walk me up on the beach to Rob ( a friend of ours is going to play the violin during the beach walk and then she will hand me off to Rob ) white chairs lined on the beach beach sand runner to the rocks that are surround by ocean. After the cermony Rob & I will take the horse and carriage back to the historic resort and have the reception we are holding ten rooms and one bridal suite that is located on the three story over looking the ocean the next morning we are having a wedding breakfast and a Beach meeting have to included soberity wouldn't have been able to plan all this without it. Then Rob & I hopefully are going away for four days or so.. I pray everything goes right Gods will. what a fairy tale but reality... These pictures where taken today before we over loaded on Food and passed out back at our house... What a dream the only difference is it is coming true... Love you all God Bless Gail jersey shore girl..

jugements

2006-10-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Judgement that is something I use to do when I drank. Sitting there and judging people because or there control on drinking or juding them by the way they dressed or acted I always thought they where better then me, but I would never say that OUT LOUD. I see it now in different ways people judging people.Like I said in my passed entry the people that I thought would be happy for me now moving on with my life sober and working on life problems One day at a time and making it thur the hurt and pain of soberity, and not only mine but Robs he has 10 years coming up I had to remember he is sick too and our relationship took work. My family and people on the outside seen the hurt and pain at times and just like the people we hurt when we where drinking they don't forget, but one thing they don't keep into play is that I HAVR A PROGRAM todayand I'm going thur my ups and downs sober. I never was married, engaged, had kids, did I ever do sober now I'm moving on with my life and it is about time reguardless of what other people think. I'm going to be married sober and we are too old for kids so we can jump right into the fun and no pressures of bearing children we already did that. I'm entering a union sober it is different then any other time. I've been married before and failed with my drunkness but God had other plans for my future that was out of my control thanks be to him. So I just have to keep in mind not everyone will be happy for us but my live is going to go on. With AA-God and working together and with others we will be a unstoppable couple and we know how to work out the corks now it took time but then time does stand for THIS I MUST EARN... Looks like I'll have a small attendence at our wedding but the people that are suppost to be there WILL With love and prayers Gail the jersey shore girl....

2006-10-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

what a beautiful day.

Rob & I

2006-10-19T05:33:00.000-07:00

Nice picture my daughters wine bottle is in the way... hahah

reactions

2006-10-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Boy you really find out who your friends are when you have surprising news. I had some good friends that had tears of happiness for Rob & I and then there where friends that where just down right ignorent, I was told along time ago that not all people like to see people make it. That some people get jealous or just want to cause a whirl wind when people make it thur hard times and come out on top. Rob & I worked hard on this relationship and neither one of us gave up and came thur it boy there are people out there that are just not happy for anyone because they just don't see the whole picture. I know that God works in both our lives and he wouldn't steer us wrong or make it EASY to pick the right road it took time and work. TIME= This I Must Earn..... and we earned it.It's funny how the true colors of people come out and what is even more funny is that I just pray for them today instead of cursing them. That God that old Gail is dead but can come back at anytime with a drink or no program. Boy meets Girl in AA Girl meets boy what a nice meeting place you could even remember eachothers name and what you did. hahaha.... The values I have for my own self has changed I have limits today and dreams and when they said Live is beyond my wildess dreams I thought they where all on something and in time I would find out what it was . But all it was, was good people, a program of recovery, and a faith to jump into the void and have trust in God today... The gifts are priceless and so are the people.. (most of them) we are all still human so you still have one in every crowd but few and far between.. Till next time Love yeahs Gail Jersey Shore Girl

Sunsets are forever

2006-10-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

This Sunset is a painted picture from God... Rob and I (my other half) love to go and watch the sunsets thats one thing we try to make time for, And the sunsets really came to play in this week. We went to dinner with my daughter and my wonderful future son on law Nick on Sunday night it was great. We went to a tribute dinner show for Frank Siniatra the guy we really good. In the middle of the show the singer stopped and said we have a special guest here tonite and then it all started Rob requested a song for me to be sung and when the song was over Rob stood up and said : Gail you know all those Sunsets we love would you do me the honor to spend the rest of those sunsets together with me?: Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and God WHAT A RING I was shocked.
Even thou I've been married before I have need had ANYONE propose to me before it was so funny I was in shock and my daughter sat there crying saying yes. hahahahaa... It was wonderful just another great gift of soberity. Rob and I have made it thou the Good the Bad The ugly and the evil so there isn't much more, but we stayed together and worked it out pain is the touch tone to growth well we grew strong together, I know there are people out there that aren't going to be happy with this all the negitivty but for once I have control of my life and i'm SOBER and a child of God The rewards are just amazing thats something I thought I would never say. We are shooting for a FEB or April 2007 small wedding and to our amazment the first place that was just striking happens to be acho..... free BYOB only wine and beer is wished but no one drinks that I know of so no bar fee.. I'm happy well more will be realed as time goes on this ring is soooooo beautiful now I know where all the money went and it is time to save now,,, Rob did a great job and I'm so proud of him no one has ever done this like this for me... God Bless you all Gail Jersey Shore Girl

2006-10-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

After all, the only time that we truly have is the time we find in the present moment. The NOW is the only place that life really takes place!

A god giving day.

2006-10-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

Times of quiet doesn't happen that much where I sit down and enjoy them. but today I am!! I had a rough weekend, I was on antidepressives for 12 years and I finally went to the herb & vitimin store and replaced my perscription with a healthier verision. This is only what I did for ME only not recommended. I stopped taking the Zololf the doctor was giving me she kept uping it and I felt worse and worse, DEPRESSED ... Well let me tell you my experience I went thur a 4 day withdraw of feeling sick mentally and physically and now finally I'm feeling so much better. I kinda leaped out into the void which can be dangerous but I've been on these kinds of medicines for 12 years and drank with them and took them when I got sober now I have to find out for me what I'm really about so far not bad just for the first 4-5 days. This is not recommended This is something I did ...... Alot of people need medicine and if I swing back the other way in time I will consider going back on it but I feel better everyday so far.. One Day At A time. I just got so tired of the doctors having a pill for everything, I just can't do that today.... I drank to bring me up or down, to sleep or function now I have to reley on God and the program and MYSELF for once.. Till later Happy to be alive today,,, God bless you and yours.. Love gail the jersey shore girl/

dream

2006-10-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well it is Full Moon and I started a new herbal aproach to health care and PMS what a combo. hahaha. Thank God I'm sober. My body and mind seems to be changing again growing pains at 44 lol. The dreams of the past haven't haunted me in awhile but they are back. dreams of the kids Ex-husband and his new wife and the hopeless feeling. Thank God when I wake up it is a dream and I just tell myself that. This time of year with the weather change and cold beaches it is so seasonal depressive. I have been really struggling with seperation aniexty trying to stick to the tough love problem with my son anthony IT IS HARD.. Thank God for sponsors, what a rare breed they can be. Mine is great. God did put the right one in my path. Well Right now I'm powerless over the changes that are happening to me. More shall be revealed. Love you all till next time Jersey shore (cold) girl . Gail God Bless..

Three Years & going

2006-10-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

Well three years and going. I started to write in this journal yesterday but I just had to come back to it. Friday night I spoke and boy everytime I speak its like a newer fuller life verion is said. My day started out get and then I came home ate some strawberry pancakes and turned into a mistery bitch just quiet and isolated ( my mood just switched) I reminded myself to be grateful. I just don't like attention on me I like to give attention not receive it alot but people where just being caring. Every year feels different almost like a death to me the pain just gets easier. My daughter had her engagement party the other day and with the mix of people there I really didn't know how everything was going to work out but it all went fine. I'm so happy for her and Nick is a great guy. My ex-husband and his new wife didn't show up and Jennifer was very upset that the man that raised her didn't come "he was sick at the last min..." But I reasured her that the people that where suppost to be there was. She was hurt and it just brought back some memories of how sick I was and how it made everyone around me sick he is really sick (emotionally) a new wife can't even take care of that. He got what he left but with alot more money. Sometimes it still hurts but I have a great person in my life too now and we go thur the ups and downs together and we both work hard, I just have to remember he has a program too he is 10 years sober and still a sick pup at time hahahaa... but it all works. Its just strange how the roller coaster affect goes up & down every anniversy is so different The first one I loved all the attention the second one was 1/2 1/2 and this year I was proud but it is just a way of life for me and I find more pleasure putiing attention on someone that reminds me of what I felt like and the thing I went thur.. Theres this women she has 4 months sober she is a doll and I love to here her talk I relate so much to her and what she is going thur, she is the special one ( she just has that light about her) I'm very proud of her.. (maryann).. I'm grateful today for being alive and to see my children grow my middle son anthony is on my tough love program and you know it is easier this time I guess its just like drinking I have had enough bull shit . He is on his own somewhere, He told me two months ago I was going to be a grandmother I had mixed emotions but excited to and at my daughter partyhe told me no more grandmom they aborted the baby and he was so against that but I had to just say a prayer and let it go, years back I still would have been drunk over that so I see progress not perfection here. haha... Well until later I love you all & your in my prayers.. Love Gail Jersey shore girl

2006-10-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

today is three years wow....

My Daughter and Future Son & Law Great couple...

2006-09-11T05:19:00.000-07:00

These two are a match from heaven

2006-09-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

My youngest son:::: I love him

Busy Thoughts

2006-09-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Boy it is funny how things just get into your head and play on. I tried to go to sleep last night and all the thoughts of the past husband kids etc.. came into my head. I noticed when I'm coming up on a anniveresy I always think deep for some reason. I couldn't sleep after hearing so long all the bad I did when I was drunk it is really hard to remember all the good.I never missed a softball game I always had dinner on the table I had a beautiful house that was always clean to the shine but all i can remember is the bad. I've been stressing lately about finding a house and getting very discouraged everything here is 300-400-500 thousand dollars for a home. NJ is very exspensive and then I start that thinking of what I use to have and sometimes I'm really tired of hearing that all that went away because I drank in my mind at times I just Failed as a wife and everything else. My mom reminded me of all the school trips I went on with all three kids and the outstanding birthday parties and the large family dinners I use to have boy have times changed now all my kids are grown and shuffleing along with there life struggles, and my youngest son and ex-husband are living in the lap of luxery with his new rich wife.. I guess that where jealous, envey,pride,ego come in I have to let it go but sometimes the thought of all this is just overcoming. My youngest son is going to be 18 this is his Sr. year in high school and I feel like all I was good for was just to give birth. He doesn't have time for my simple life and he is just loving the luxery of his living. I call send cards and letters e-mail and he is always to busy. I was so excited yesterday when I saw on my cell phone message from karl jr. here it was a message of expiration, The message I sent him a month ago he never opened and it is not just torward me his sister and brother he doesn't even call. My ex- husband has turned into someone I don't even know ( better then everyone ) he was never like that and now my son is just like him. My son told me three years ago Mom don't fight over me let me stay with Dad because he needs me and your the stronger one. lol if he only know. strong yes but I do have feeling more today then I ever did. This is why I like to journal I can get all this stuff out.... Well until later Love and Blessings to all Love Gail the jersey shore girl.

By the grace of God

2006-09-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

Well today is a sunny day looks like a nice one, I feel pretty good I was re-baptist on Wed it was great we went down to the ocean and did the whole body dunking what a feeling. My pastor and friends at church where there.
Some people don't understand why I did that but all I have to say is I'm now old enough to make my own choices at 6 weeks old I wasn't. I'm coming up on three years soberity on the 1st. of Oct... I have a whole new like so why not start everything off new. Right now I'm just taking it day to day that took me some time to do that. I still have to schedule my business cleaning appointments which puts me a week or so ahead but I write it down and worry about it when it comes, I just Let go and Let God do the work now I'm too tired what a relief to know I can do that.. Well until later Bless all of you and have a great day.. Love Gail the jersey shore girl..

In Gods Eyes We Are Seen..

2006-09-04T06:20:00.000-07:00

Today's thought is:

Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.
--Pearl S. Buck
We make mistakes because we are human, we are imperfect, we are frequently out of touch with the rhythms of the moment. When our minds are one place, either still trapped by the past or in limbo due to fear of the future, we fail to revere the experience of the present. And only when we salute completely the moment do we respond accurately to its meaning.
Seldom is a mistake as important as we allow it to be. Always we can rechart our steps; never is a task completed without some modifications along the way. Perhaps we'd do well to consider all mistakes as simply modifications in the original plans. Corrections triggered by mistakes may well be responsible for better outcomes. In fact, mistakes may be part of the process necessary to keep our spiritual program focused. Their role in our lives may be of greater significance than we'd ever imagined. However, we shouldn't dwell on the mistake but, rather, on the remedy.

Today I'll have to modify my steps, probably a few times. And that's to be expected.

This is my son Anthony

2006-08-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

I pray for him he has come along way... I'm so proud...

Circles of life CAN be broken...

2006-08-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

Well everything is going pretty good, I resigned from the hospital and went full time with my own business I now have a semi normal life it's hard when your day starts on a monday ends on a monday and you wake up it is still monday... That is what night shift and doing my own business did for me, I let my meeting go and people well now I'm back at the meetings even started a new step meeting and i go to bed at a normal hour and wake up before everyone and have this peace of coffee my cat my ferrets and me QUIET... what a way to start off the day. I was thinking and talking to my son lately he is coming up on 6 months clean thanks to the grace of God all the tickets and fines and past has caught up with him and it is overwheming, I keep telling him WISH doesn't belong in any vocabulary. I see the circle of life that has formed starting as far back as my moms side of the family with her and my fathers side that was quietly disfunctional, The family circle has been abuse, sex, drugs, additions, anger, rage,abandonment I was telling my son that having a addition and knowing about it and being in recovery is something to be proud of because he can break the circle of family life between My son and I was have broken the circle I did with my kids and he is learning now the hard way and hopefully will share it with his family someday. He is so overwhemed I tried to tell him that trust has to be earned and he just doesn't understand but then I didn't either. It is hard to stay out of my sons program he calls for advice and I tell him the best I can from experence and tell him to call his sponsor... I pray & pray.... I'm getting RE baptised in two weeks now being a adult I took the choice on my own I didn't have a choice when I was 8-weeks old,,, I totally believe in a higher power because I wouldn't be here if there was nothing, God spared my life for a purpose my general purpose will be revealed to me in his time.. But everyday is a purpose now... Well God Bless all and please keep my son Anthony B in your prayers Thank you ,,, Till Later Love Gail the jersey shore area.....http://gailwindsnj1@verizon.net

changing tides

2006-08-14T04:48:00.000-07:00

Times are forever changing, or should I say growing. I have made a giant leap into gods well and leave the faith to me and the will to him lately. I'm venchering out on my own with my business, It took along time to work for the great repution that I have on the Cleaning Front, and today people trust in me and believe my honesty. What a switch. I'm at a point in my life where I have to take some chances if not they are going to just slip by again again I don't want to lose no more I want to go one foot forward it has only taken me three years to come up with this decision hahaha... I was tormenting myself with the fact be my own boss or work for someone... It was driving me crazy so now I'm going to be my own boss with my work and just go with thy will not mine. I have been feeling really good lately, the skies at night and day are unbelieveable and god sent. I like the normal in my life today bedtime, wake up early, remembering what I did yesterday. (haha) even in soberity I was slipping back in the stress and not even remembering what I did yesterday. I have emptied my plate alittle. It is almost like jumping into the void head first knowing God is there and will not let me fall if I do the right and honest things I have to do. My crazy son is still clean and sober going on 5 months now what a mircle. Thank God.. That is a gift beyound my wildest dreams come true and that wouldn't be so if I did change myself. Being sober today just feels normal and the adnormal looks adnormal today. I'm graftiful for today but just for today one day at a time I don't project anything ( that can be my biggest let down ) so for today I thanked god this morning and will all day and that will also be the last words i say tonite god willing. To all Have a great day and hang in there, it is a roller coaster ride indeed... Love yeahs: Gail from the jersey shore area.

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2006-07-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

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2006-07-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

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